Category: Flash Pulp

FC57 – Facebook Cancer

FC57 - Facebook Cancer
[audio:http://traffic.libsyn.com/skinner/FlashCast057.mp3](Download/iTunes/RSS)

Hello, and welcome to FlashCast 57 – prepare yourself for: Dalek relaxation, Facebook cancer, sperm hunters, soda, Powerless, and Ruby.

* * *

Huge thanks to:

  • Jeff Lynch (TwitterFacebookBothersomethings.com), for his Spot of Bother
  • Threedayfish (Facebook), for his cinematic considerations
  • Barry (TwitterFacebookBMJ2k.com), for his New York Minute
  • Gibraltar for his Horrible Histories
  • David “Doc Blue” Wendt (TwitterThe Secret Lair) for his Doc Azrael offering
  • * * *

    Pulp-ular Press:

    * * *

    Mailbag:

    * * *

    Backroom Plots

  • FP259 – The Murder Plague: Capital City, Part 1 of 1
  • [youtube_sc url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=demMCDomO9s]

     

    * * *

    Also, many thanks, as always, Retro Jim, of RelicRadio.com for hosting FlashPulp.com and the wiki!

    * * *

    If you have comments, questions or suggestions, you can find us at https://flashpulp.com, or email us text/mp3s to skinner@skinner.fm.

    FlashCast is released under the Canadian Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 2.5 License.

    FP259 – The Murder Plague: Capital City, Part 1 of 1

    Welcome to Flash Pulp, episode two hundred and fifty-nine.

    Flash PulpTonight we present The Murder Plague: Capital City, Part 1 of 1

    Download MP3
    (RSS / iTunes)

     

    This week’s episodes are brought to you by the Nutty Bites podcast.

     

    Flash Pulp is an experiment in broadcasting fresh pulp stories in the modern age – three to ten minutes of fiction brought to you Monday, Wednesday and Friday evenings.

    Tonight, Harm Carter loses himself in a city besieged by the paranoia inducing effects of The Murder Plague.

     

    The Murder Plague: Capital City, Part 1 of 1

    Written by J.R.D. Skinner
    Art and Narration by Opopanax
    and Audio produced by Jessica May

     

    The Murder PlaguePanic can carry your feet incredible distances, and I was deeply lost in a nameless suburb before my mine ran dry.

    My backstreet marathon hadn’t given me any better idea of where I might be, but it did provide a general impression of how the contagion had rippled through the city.

    It was a silent thing, back in Mass Acres. Everyone simply locked their doors and went quietly mad – not so, in Capital City, as was made evident by the junk mail, and lawn ornament wreckage, which littered the sidewalks.

    For example, when my adrenaline subsided, and my paranoia retreated to a general low-level terror, I noted a consistent bit of hooliganism.

    You see, the neighbourhood I was touring had unmistakably been constructed by the same company throughout – if the mirrored two-story homes hadn’t made it clear, the consistent theming along the curbside would have. Every corner was adorned with an ornate faux-Victorian lamp, and every driveway had an identical wrought-iron-styled plastic mailbox at its end. It would have been a model community, if trash-bag mountains hadn’t gathered along the grassy edges, only to be ripped into, at a later date, by stray mutts.

    I didn’t think much of the first of the exploded mailboxes. After a half-hour of additional wandering, though, I began to mark an irregular pattern. The original was a solitary act of vandalism on its block, but, as I progressed, I spotted a twin, then triplets.

    Now, it’s the nature of the illness to notice everything. It’s also a symptom that everything seems to be sneaking up on you with a knife behind its back, but, still, you become unusually observant.

    “Hoodlums,” I thought, but, as the density of the incidents increased, and their boldness obviously grew, I couldn’t ignore the worried voice which whispered constantly in my ear.

    Tire tracks had peeled away from many of the decapitated pillars, and I was convinced that those responsible were thugs; true monsters, roaming the area looking for trouble to cause, and innocently-insane pedestrians to harass.

    Worse, while some doors swung wide and empty, and no yard remained manicured, I felt uncomfortably certain of the occasional curtain-twitch, but the back-to-back-to-back fences left me with little place to hide. To my embattled brain, it was walk or die.

    The sporadic executions grew thicker. Eventually, I came to a series of homes, painted in soft earth tones, that had their greeney torn up by marauding tires, and every one of their poles beheaded.

    Despite the evidence of rain and weather upon the scattered letters and fliers, I was sure the brutes were close – and I wasn’t wrong.

    I found them around the next turn.

    It’s hard to say what the motivation was – perhaps the nutter had thought the postman was attempting to deliver anthrax – but, whatever the case, the plague had driven one of the local homeowners to rig a handgun within their mailbox, and they’d done a solid job of it.

    There was a behemoth of a white convertible cadillac beside the trap, which had idled till its tank emptied. The backseat was likely brimming with plastic Pepsi bottles at the beginning of the run, but the pair of corpses had been industrious, and, by the time I encountered them, there were only a few scattered on the rear floor-mats. The other components for their simple explosives had been left sitting on the dash.

    The driver-side door was swept wide, and its occupant lying on the pavement, not twenty feet away. His eyes were blank, and his cheeks were hollow with advancing decay. He wore a black hooded sweatshirt, but I couldn’t make out the skateboard company’s logo through the blood. His shoulder had caught the bullet, giving him a bit of a chance to crawl away, but his partner, slumped against the windshield, wasn’t so lucky. His right eye had been vaporized and no small amount of his brain matter hung from the vehicle’s fuzzy dice.

    Both looked to be about twelve.

    They were joyriders, and nothing more, likely abandoned by crazed, or dead, parents. It becomes difficult, upon reflection, to begrudge anyone even the most miscreant joys, when considered against the backdrop of Hitchcock’s.

    “Walk or die”, said my sick mind – so I did.

     

    Flash Pulp is presented by http://skinner.fm, and is released under the Canadian Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 2.5 License.

    Freesound.org credits:

    Text and audio commentaries can be sent to skinner@skinner.fm, or the voicemail line at (206) 338-2792 – but be aware that it may appear in the FlashCast.

    – and thanks to you, for reading. If you enjoyed the story, tell your friends.

    FP258 – Coffin: Dealing, Part 3 of 3

    Welcome to Flash Pulp, episode two hundred and fifty-eight.

    Flash PulpTonight we present Coffin: Dealing, Part 3 of 3
    (Part 1Part 2Part 3)
    [audio:http://traffic.libsyn.com/skinner/FlashPulp258.mp3]Download MP3
    (RSS / iTunes)

     

    This week’s episodes are brought to you by the Nutty Bites podcast.

     

    Flash Pulp is an experiment in broadcasting fresh pulp stories in the modern age – three to ten minutes of fiction brought to you Monday, Wednesday and Friday evenings.

    Tonight, Will Coffin, urban shaman, and Bunny Davis, his tipsy friend, find themselves deep in conversation with a dead killer.

     

    Coffin: Dealing, Part 3 of 3

    Written by J.R.D. Skinner
    Art and Narration by Opopanax
    and Audio produced by Jessica May

     

    Will Coffin, Urban ShamanThe pause between the stringy-haired drunk, the leather-jacketed shaman, and the lacy-skirted stranger, was a brief one.

    Bunny had no idea who John Koyle was, why he apparently looked like a rockabilly hipster chick, or what life choices had driven him to murder the trio in the next room, but she certainly knew she had a pistol in her hand, and she intended to use it.

    Coffin’s reflexes were all that kept Priscilla Root alive.

    “Whoa there, Quick Draw McGraw,” he told his companion, as he stepped into her line of fire. “Let’s hold a quick conversation, then shoot him.

    “The name’s familiar – Koyle? Weren’t you some sort of murderous ferryman? Yeah, yeah, the dioramas are ringing a bell now. Blackhall mentioned you.”

    “Such wonders you have, these days, with your electricity and your nail guns. Tools for a true creator, they are,” replied the man in the woman’s body. His words rolled from plump pink lips. “I’ve always heard artists only gain proper notoriety after their death – it took nearly two hundred years, but even I’ve gathered an appreciative audience – and you know of Blackhall, you say? Interesting, indeed. Certainly not a detail I was given before being asked to pass my message.”

    Bunny had lowered the gun,and edged beyond Will’s shoulder, so that she might maintain a view of Koyle. The living room was sizable enough, but its crowded shelves left the space feeling tight – especially while holding the conversation across the dead fellow on the couch.

    “You’re some kinda ####in’ murderous time traveling drag queen?” she asked. “Oh ####, I mean, I have no problem with how you wanna dress – it’s the murdering that makes me think you’re an ###hole.”

    “No, I am something of a reincarnation. I’ve been given command of the rather pleasing body of Priscilla Root, former girlfriend of this sluggard,” Koyle threw a purple-thumbnail towards the cadaver he shared the sofa with, “and compatriot to the three in the kitchen.”

    “Won’t be long before they all reek,” replied Coffin. Though his words were casual, his eyes roamed over the possessed woman’s arms. Beneath the sleeves of Root’s white-fringed vintage blouse, her limbs bore a interlocking maze of imagery: a school of koi fish flowed into the scales of looping dragons, whose smokey exhalations formed the tail feathers of a murder of crows.

    Koyle smiled. “Oh, I’m quite used to it.”

    “You said something about a message?” asked Will.

    “Yes, well, in truth, you’re a wee bit early, but my bonfire was part of it. Your inebriate friend here, locked eternally, by my needles, into a position of prayer, will be the next. My, er, benefactors, want your knee bent, whatever the cost.”

    “Holy ####,” said Bunny, “I don’t want to sound cliche, but I think I’m actually about to shoot a messenger.”

    Despite her bluster, the killer’s grin remained. “Not this time. I have leverage, and I doubt you’re so hard hearted – harm me, and you harm Priscilla Root.”

    “Fine, let’s just call the cops then – be pretty ####ing hilarious to spend your second lifetime in a jail cell, wouldn’t it? It’d give Coffin plenty of time to whip up some mumbo jumbo and fish you out.”

    As if in response, a nearby car-door slammed, and the bewitched Ms. Root batted her lashes. “Do you think the local constabulary will arrive in the neighbourhood before the burly fellows, which I was asked to stall you for, manage to make their entrance?”

    The security system gave a cheerful double bing.

    “One of them has a gun,” announced Koyle, to the now lit hallway.

    From the depths of the homemade art gallery, well beyond their view, came a deep-throated reply. “That’s fine, we’re carrying three of our own.”

    The scuffle was short.

    A distracted Bunny was disarmed by Koyle, who nimbly gained his feet and aimed a fist at her jaw.

    Coffin stepped back, with his fingers in his pockets, but, before he might retrieve a talisman, a scream split the air. It had emanated from one of the unseen newcomers, and was immediately drowned in a rush of chittering.

    Only one made it so far as the room’s entryway: A thick-chested man in a simple gray suit. He held a pistol, but was too blind to find any use for it. About his neck maneuvered a pair of large black squirrels, their grasping claws dancing along the material at his collar, and their probing teeth finding purchase in the soft flesh of his face.

    He managed a gurgled request for help, then was set upon by a ragged-haired German Shepherd, which laid its broad mouth across his left-calf, and commenced to thrash.

    The intruder toppled, and a flood of night creatures followed – it was a motley arrangement of malnourished tom cats, raccoons, and rats, which dragged him away.

    Then the house was once again silent.

    “The #### was that?” asked Bunny, from her new position on the floor, as she rubbed her swelling cheek.

    Uninterested in further conversation with the madman, Coffin uncoiled his silver chain and started its ornate hook along a rhythmic arc about his head.

    “Bloody sorcerers,” muttered Koyle, and Will took his swing.

    The snare scarcely grazed Priscilla Root’s temple, but it was enough, and the translucent form of a howling John Koyle was tugged from her flesh.

    Unlike his previous experiences with the Crook of Ortez, however, Coffin found it necessary to maintain a contest of strength with the artifact, or otherwise allow the haunting spirit to return to inhabiting the woman.

    Priscilla sat, heavily, upon the already occupied couch, and began shrieking.

    “Gettin’ punched by a hipster is the ####in’ worst. They’re nothin’ but knuckles,” said Bunny, as she gained her feet. She moved to hush the panicked screamer.

    Will had worked to brace himself, but the greater the distance, the stronger Koyle seemed to pull towards his anchor.

    To Priscilla’s gaze, Coffin was engaged in a bizarre mime act; a fight with a chain floating of its own accord.

    “We need to know which is the new tattoo,” demanded the struggling shaman.

    Without quite understanding the request, the weeping girl indicated a series of barbed swirls, worked into the skin of a geisha which circled the back, and palm, of her left hand.

    “I’m sorry,” replied Will, as he released his charm. The links fell, as if suddenly unburdened, and Priscilla Root was re-invaded.

    Before the persistent phantasm could voice a note of victory, Bunny hit him.

    As she did her best to hold down the returned shade, Coffin conducted a hurried search of the house, and turned up a cleaver, obviously beloved by its former foodie owner, as well as the compressor and nail gun which Koyle had extensively misused.

    Using a dishtowel as a cuff, Will quickly had Priscilla’s adorned arm pinned to the kitchen’s tiles, though a further set of similar restraints were necessary to quiet the maniac’s struggles. Once in place, though, there was time to plan.

    Finally, as sirens filled the early morning, and under the staring eyes of Root’s dead friends, Coffin began his surgery, with a heavy drop of the butcher’s blade.

    It was Priscilla alone who screamed, when he pressed the red-bottomed frying pan to her stump – and, even as he followed Bunny out the rear exit, the same wailing pulled the paramedics through the gore of the hall and living room, and to the injured woman’s side.

    As they rounded the neighbouring industrial building, and looked for a hole in the fence so that they might cross the tracks, Pisky’s voice came to them from the thicket beyond.

    “I’m a fool for a damsel in distress,” he said, “but I’m sure you’ll find a way to thank me.”

    Bunny considered a response, but instead kept her mouth busy with the bottle of pretentious scotch she’d managed to locate in the recently abandoned dining area.

    “That’s real sentimental of you, Pisky,” replied Will, to the unseen animal lord. “I rather suspect, though, that you only saved me because I’ve got what you need.”

    Coffin tossed the cursed and still-flailing hand over the metal barrier, but did not wait for the chewing sounds of ripping sinew before continuing on.

    (Part 1Part 2Part 3)

     

    Flash Pulp is presented by http://skinner.fm, and is released under the Canadian Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 2.5 License.

    Freesound.org credits:

    Text and audio commentaries can be sent to skinner@skinner.fm, or the voicemail line at (206) 338-2792 – but be aware that it may appear in the FlashCast.

    – and thanks to you, for reading. If you enjoyed the story, tell your friends.

    FP257 – Coffin: Dealing, Part 2 of 3

    Welcome to Flash Pulp, episode two hundred and fifty-seven.

    Flash PulpTonight we present Coffin: Dealing, Part 2 of 3
    (Part 1Part 2Part 3)
    [audio:http://traffic.libsyn.com/skinner/FlashPulp257.mp3]Download MP3
    (RSS / iTunes)

     

    This week’s episodes are brought to you by the Strangely Literal podcast.

     

    Flash Pulp is an experiment in broadcasting fresh pulp stories in the modern age – three to ten minutes of fiction brought to you Monday, Wednesday and Friday evenings.

    Tonight, Will Coffin, urban shaman, and Bunny Davis, his temporarily sober roommate, find themselves abandoned by a talking raccoon.

     

    Coffin: Dealing, Part 2 of 3

    Written by J.R.D. Skinner
    Art and Narration by Opopanax
    and Audio produced by Jessica May

     

    CoffinTheir final destination was a blue two-story house, standing beside an industrial tool rental warehouse. Beyond the shop ran a double set of disused rail tracks, and a thicket of trees.

    Despite the location’s close proximity to the heart of the city, Bunny felt oddly isolated.

    Their guide was the first to break the silence.

    “Well, here we are,” said the two-tailed raccoon, “but – this is why they pay you the big bucks, yeah? So, I’m off to fill my stomach.”

    Bunny, increasingly sober, and increasingly annoyed at the time and distance she’d invested in the venture, turned to the blanket-wrapped arcane animal.

    She’d refused to push the baby carriage throughout the lengthy walk, and had instead insisted it be Coffin’s duty alone.

    “This ain’t a paying job, and I’m betting the person, or thing, or ####ing singing frog, or whatever, looking to #### on Will’s day, is going to be expecting us.”

    “Exactly – so, I’m off to check out your post office.”

    “I thought you were off to get some food?” asked Coffin.

    “Yes, well, the important part is that I’m off.”

    With that, Pisky nimbly lowered himself from the buggy, and moved over the shop’s sidewalk hugging strip of white-shrouded lawn. His long fingered hands found traction on a pipe running the height of the building, and the snow filled gutters creaked briefly as he hoisted himself onto the roof’s lip – then he cleared the edge and vanished into the arriving dawn.

    “###damned four-legged junky,” said Bunny. “Every meth-head I’ve ever met’s been the same way. There was a guy in my old building who’d constantly ask me for money while digging at his face with one of those little screw drivers, like you get in a set of five? Anyhow, I actually gave him a few bucks here and there, but he caught Tim taking a swing at me once, in the lobby, and just walked away like he hadn’t seen ####.”

    Coffin had stepped away from the cart, and towards the house.

    “Those poor bastards are a special group,” he replied. “They’re picking because the meth thins the veil – they can feel the tiniest of Kar’Wick’s spawn trying to birth, just under their skin.

    ”You can’t take how they behave personally. They’re mice in a trap. They came in just wanting a little cheese, but they’ll gnaw a limb off if it’ll give them a bit of relief.

    “Now, let’s go say hi.”

    Bunny lingered but briefly.

    “Jesus, that’s a helluva door,” she noted, as she joined Will at the slab.

    It was unlocked.

    Coffin, un-interested in knocking, pushed at the handle, only to be surprised by the double beep of a security system acknowledging his entrance.

    “Pretty ###damn fancy pants, for this neighbourhood,” muttered the drunk.

    The hall lights automatically brightened, revealing a pair of spotlessly maintained bicycles, and beige walls covered in a collection of unframed paintings. The floors were hardwood, and the rug inside the door bore the embroidered face of Mr. T.

    “You’re telling me the Eats’N’Treats was torched by a ####ing hipster?” Bunny asked, in a whispered tone.

    The living room’s shelving was filled with vintage stereo equipment, and the floor was dominated by a bright red couch, on which sat a gaunt man of unusual height. His hands rested behind his head, and his jean clad legs stretched out over the low coffee table.

    To Bunny’s eye, his askew lips made it look as if he were caught mid-cough.

    A string of bloody mucus on the man’s Papa Smurf t-shirt lead Coffin to realize the unmoving form been affixed to the wall by a single nail, which extended from the back of the corpse’s throat, and through both his palms.

    Will frowned.

    From his jacket’s right-hand pocket, he produced a silver chain, linked to an elaborate hook, then, from the depths of his coat, he produced a pistol.

    “Hold this,” he told Bunny, as he passed across the weapon.

    “####in’ right I will,” she replied.

    The kitchen was worse.

    Three cadavers sat around the bamboo table. A brunette woman with swept bangs had been left flat-palmed, with a metal stud capping each knuckle. Her sneakers were stapled into a flirtatious game of footsy with her bald, bespectacled, companion. His head, however, was bowed, as if at prayer, and his fingers tightly interlocked. The last of the group, a slight man with a mop of blond hair, had been positioned into a game of solitaire, in progress. Each card’s face was pierced, and held flat by a nailhead.

    Pinched fabric revealed the points at which the party had been pinned to their chairs.

    “This isn’t the occult,” said Coffin, “these are just dead people. Let’s get out of here and call the cops.”

    As they passed through the living room, they discovered that the couch now carried a second occupant.

    “Ah, hallo there, friend!” said the heavily tattooed woman, from beneath her Bettie Page bangs. “Name’s John Koyle. You’re expected.”

    (Part 1Part 2Part 3)

     

    Flash Pulp is presented by http://skinner.fm, and is released under the Canadian Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 2.5 License.

    Freesound.org credits:

    Text and audio commentaries can be sent to skinner@skinner.fm, or the voicemail line at (206) 338-2792 – but be aware that it may appear in the FlashCast.

    – and thanks to you, for reading. If you enjoyed the story, tell your friends.

    FP256 – Coffin: Dealing, Part 1 of 3

    Welcome to Flash Pulp, episode two hundred and fifty-six.

    Flash PulpTonight we present Coffin: Dealing, Part 1 of 3
    (Part 1Part 2Part 3)
    [audio:http://traffic.libsyn.com/skinner/FlashPulp256.mp3]Download MP3
    (RSS / iTunes)

     

    This week’s episodes are brought to you by the Strangely Literal podcast.

     

    Flash Pulp is an experiment in broadcasting fresh pulp stories in the modern age – three to ten minutes of fiction brought to you Monday, Wednesday and Friday evenings.

    Tonight, Will Coffin, urban shaman, and Bunny Davis, mouthy drunk, find themselves considering a case of arson.

     

    Coffin: Dealing, Part 1 of 3

    Written by J.R.D. Skinner
    Art and Narration by Opopanax
    and Audio produced by Jessica May

     

    CoffinBeneath the unyielding white glow of a streetlight, Will Coffin surveyed the charred remains of his favoured Eats’N’Treats. He wore a scowl on his face.

    “This is getting to be a bit frustrating,” he said. Bunny pulled her coat tight against the chill air and snorted, but he continued. “This is the second store I’ve had burnt to the ground.”

    “Yeah, I’m sure Lornie, the shop-keep, thinks its a ####ing tragedy that you’ve gotta find a new bench,” his companion replied. “Now let’s get going, It’s cold as penguin ####, and I’m out of booze.”

    It was Coffin’s opinion that it wasn’t just the lack of liquor that had made her surly. She’d seemed aggravated since the previous evening, when he’d pressured a reluctant informant with an afterlife of eternal drowning. The fire sirens which had broken their daytime slumbers had done little to better her mood, although neither had realized the reason for the clamour until they’d awoken to the evening news.

    The discovery had spurred him to the phone, and, before he had finished making his calls, Bunny’s vodka had run dry.

    Will cleared his throat. “You can head on to Dorset’s, and get a drink, if you like. I have an appointment.”

    “Ain’t you threatened enough folks this week?”

    “Do I look like I’m about to start a fight?” he replied, as he returned his hands to the crossbar of the empty baby carriage. The creaking buggy, which he’d finally managed to borrow from a woman three floors below their own, was at least two-decades old. “It’s not that kind of meeting.”

    His tipsy friend couldn’t help but smile. “Oh yeah? Hope you also brought some scissors, if you’ve got a hot date with the ####in’ mummy.”

    Coffin was still considering his response when a round bundle, nearly the size of a great dane, came trundling from the shadows beyond the now single-walled portion of alley. Its gray fur was mangy and unkempt, and its white muzzle was stained with muck and dirty water. At first glance, it was only the double tail, and immense size, which set the raccoon apart from its mundane brethren.

    “Ho, Will-o, how’s tricks?” it asked.

    “Same as always,” replied Coffin.

    “Sorry to hear ‘bout your inferno,” said the animal, “this whole place has taken a dive in the last three hundred years.”

    “Wasn’t #### all here, three-hundred years ago,” interrupted Will’s roommate.

    “Exactly my point, madam,” nodded the beast. His black-eyes sparkled in the streetlight, and his rodent-like hands worked excitedly at his whiskers. “I don’t believe we’ve been introduced, my name is Pisky.”

    “Great,” said Bunny. She began picking at her teeth with her tongue.

    The four-legged bandit gave the woman’s unbrushed hair, and fry-grease stained jeans, another long look, then asked, “you want to leave your fella behind and tip a bottle or three? I’ve a mountainous stash, in a culvert on the far side of town. Nice soft mattress too. Maybe you won’t wanna come back, though.”

    “I ain’t gettin’ any closer to his bed than I am to yours,” replied the drunk, “but at least he’s human.”

    “Exactly,” said the former forest lord, as he stretched out his size and let a trill roll into his voice. “Look at me – I assure you, it’s ALL magic.”

    “Get any nearer and you’ll think you were talking to Bob-####ing-Barker.”

    “Anyhow, my man,” said the masked entity, as he redirected his attention to Coffin, “you got a little something extra you could spare? I’m pretty hungry these days.”

    “What happened to Korda’s body?” asked Will. “He was saturated with mystic juices. He should have lasted you at least a year.”

    “Temptation is a rowdy mistress – I was a bit greedy.”

    There was a silence, which Coffin broke by muttering, “junky.”

    The unnatural creature reared. “Don’t talk down to me, lunchmeat. I know your wife.”

    Will’s jaw tightened, and his right hand slipped into his jacket’s pocket.

    At the sight, Pisky raised his paws, and retreated a step. “Hey, hey, I’m cranky, and I apologize. It was a long trip here. I spent part of the afternoon napping on a Walmart, but the maintenance guy happened to come around to bugger with the heating equipment. Now I’ve got an empty belly and a kink in my neck.

    ”Forgive my crusty prattle, and let’s get down to business.”

    Coffin shrugged. “It’s a tense time, all around. I originally called you here because I needed a favour – I have an address that requires looking into.”

    “Why not just chat up your ghosts?”

    “It’s government property, and they try to keep the murders off the grounds. Besides, you still owe me for Korba, and I need it kept quiet.”

    “Quieter than dead folk? Interesting.”

    “First, though, we have a new priority: You’re going to lead me to whoever trashed my place of business.”

    “C’mon now, that’s a long walk out in the open.”

    With a smile, Coffin gave the ancient pram a squeaking shove.

    “You bastard,” said Pisky, with a lick of his lips.

    The shaman knew he’d comply to the indignity, however. They’d both inhaled the stink of the occult that the arsonist had left behind – and the raccoon was hungry.

    (Part 1Part 2Part 3)

     

    Flash Pulp is presented by http://skinner.fm, and is released under the Canadian Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 2.5 License.

    Freesound.org credits:

    Text and audio commentaries can be sent to skinner@skinner.fm, or the voicemail line at (206) 338-2792 – but be aware that it may appear in the FlashCast.

    – and thanks to you, for reading. If you enjoyed the story, tell your friends.

    FC56 – Lesbian Covers

    FC56 - Lesbian Covers
    [audio:http://traffic.libsyn.com/skinner/FlashCast056.mp3](Download/iTunes/RSS)

    Hello, and welcome to FlashCast 56 – Prepare yourself for: Coffin in Vienna, Russian munchies, DeathRay, the Sacred Band, and a box of candy.

    * * *

    Huge thanks to:

  • Jeff Lynch (TwitterFacebookBothersomethings.com), for his New York Minute.
  • Barry (TwitterFacebookBMJ2k.com), for his Spot of Bother.
  • David “Doc Blue” Wendt (TwitterThe Secret Lair) for his Doc Azrael offering.
  • Threedayfish (Facebook), for his Viennese Legend;
  • Ingrid (TwitterFacebookDancingEllaViennese Legends), for her cinematic considerations.
  • Nick (http://captainpigheart.comTwitterFacebook) for his Captain Pigheart offering.
  • * * *

    Pulp-ular Press:

    * * *

    Mailbag:

    * * *

    Backroom Plots

  • The Tightened Braid: a Blackhall Tale (Part 1Part 2Part 3Part 4Part 5Part 6)
  • FP255 – Mulligan Smith in Making the Call, Part 1 of 1
  • FPSE11 – A Spectacular Failure
  • [youtube_sc url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NlUfB1f47g8]

     

    * * *

    Also, many thanks, as always, Retro Jim, of RelicRadio.com for hosting FlashPulp.com and the wiki!

    * * *

    If you have comments, questions or suggestions, you can find us at https://flashpulp.com, or email us text/mp3s to skinner@skinner.fm.

    FlashCast is released under the Canadian Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 2.5 License.

    FPSE11 – A Spectacular Failure

    Skinner Co.Welcome to Flash Pulp, special episode eleven.

    Tonight we present, A Spectacular Failure.

    [audio:http://traffic.libsyn.com/skinner/FlashPulpSE11.mp3]Download MP3
    (RSS / iTunes)

     

    This week’s episodes are brought to you by Phoenix Fraser the Crime Fighting Dog.

     

    Flash Pulp is an experiment in broadcasting fresh pulp stories in the modern age – three to ten minutes of fiction brought to you Monday, Wednesday and Friday evenings.

    Tonight, we step briefly away from the Kar’Wickian web that is the Flash Pulp universe, and, instead, take a moment to return to a world of superpowered turmoil. (With special thanks to Nuchtchas!)

     

    Flash Pulp SE11 – A Spectacular Failure

    Characters by Nuchtchas
    Written by J.R.D. Skinner
    Art and Narration by Opopanax
    and Audio produced by Jessica May

     

    From atop his ratcheting mountain of gears, Lord Brakmore tightened his grip upon the handle which would rouse his ghastly machinery into life.

    On the ground below, a battered Sergeant Spectacular was quickly finding himself with few options.

    His entrance had been met by an unexpected barrage of steam-powered missiles – an upgrade to Brakmore’s gothically styled alpine retreat, installed since Specatular’s last intrusion – and, though his Spectacu-jet had taken the brunt of the attack, his parachute descent had given the lord’s clockwork apes an ample opportunity to calculate his landing point.

    It was insult immediately preceding injury that they’d greeted him first with the thrown muck of their congealing oil-pans.

    “You can kill me, Brakmore,” said Spectacular, pushing his words through clenched teeth, “but someone will avenge me – it may be Ms. Deathenstein, or Fillmore Flapjack, or the Swallow, but I know, in my heart of hearts, that The Integrity Society can not fail.”

    “Oh, is that soooooo?” replied Brakmore.

    Though the Sergeant understood the necessity of discourse between hero and nemesis, he could not stand how the Victorian dandy so often ended his sentences with upturned inflection, as if he were asking a question.

    “Move back my minions, and let our valiant prisoner have some air?” said the waistcoated villain.

    It was then that Spectacular recalled the cellphone, which his girlfriend, Alexis, had forced him to purchase and secrete within his battle helmet.

    “There is no stopping me?” continued the fop, “With the the gravitatator refocused upon the lunar surface, the tidal actions will begin the excruciating process of – what are you doing?”

    The Sergeant had set his thumb to his head wear, only to be caught mid-motion.

    “Nothing,” he replied.

    “No, seriously, what are you doing? Have you learned to throw your helmet? Or – no, wait you must have a device hidden within?”

    “I’m just, uh, sweaty.”

    “Minions! Remove his millinery!”

    “Sir,” bellowed a wheeled ape, “I believe the archaic term millinery only applies to female headwear, and my scanners do not detect a womanly form within their two-mile maximum.”

    Brakmore frowned at his guard captain.

    As Spectacular’s chinstrap was roughly undone by metallic simian fingers, his iPhone dropped to the cobblestones – only to be retrieved, and crushed, by one of his robotic captors.

    “Now,” said the lead scoundrel, with a white-gloved hand once again resting on the ornate lever, “all will bow down before my -”

    There was a gunshot, and Brakmore turned, as if startled. Beneath his vest, his crisp white shirt blossomed with crimson.

    Behind him stood a man of medium height, and slightly paunchy build. The embroidered name tag on his overalls read ‘Sal,’ and, in his right fist, he held a Beretta.

    “How?” asked the dying lord.

    “You think we’re gonna let you walk off with three-hundred mill in security tech and not leave a friggin key hidden under the mat?” replied the newcomer. “All you jerks is the same, buying on credit and sayin’ you’ll cover it with the next job.

    “We got six-a you deadbeats on the list at the moment. You figure the boys at head office are gonna ask me to pop Mister Millionaire, or The Gold Plated Maestro? Hell, we’re out at least a cold billion if we drop either of ‘em. No, you got just enough in the game to make a good example.”

    Sal holstered his pistol on his crowded workman’s tool-belt. “Anyhow, you didn’t want to get shot, you shoulda paid us.”

    Brakmore, at that point, was too dead to hear.

    “C’mon,” said the bill collector, to the chromed primates, “override code ‘Big Bananas.’ Let’s go, ya mooks.”

    As the verbally reprogrammed gorillas rolled past their fallen former-master, Sergeant Spectacular rose to his feet. Within moments he was alone with the rapidly cooling body of his nemesis.

    His sigh echoed throughout the great hall as he picked up his helmet and dusted it off.

    It was a long walk home.

     

    Flash Pulp is presented by http://skinner.fm, and is released under the Canadian Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 2.5 License.

    Text and audio commentaries can be sent to skinner@skinner.fm – but be aware that it may appear in the FlashCast.

    – and thanks to you, for reading. If you enjoyed the story, tell your friends.

    FP255 – Mulligan Smith in Making the Call, Part 1 of 1

    Welcome to Flash Pulp, episode two hundred and fifty-five.

    Flash PulpTonight we present, Mulligan Smith in Making the Call, Part 1 of 1

    [audio:http://traffic.libsyn.com/skinner/FlashPulp255.mp3]Download MP3
    (RSS / iTunes)

     

    This week’s episodes are brought to you by Phoenix Fraser the Crime Fighting Dog.

     

    Flash Pulp is an experiment in broadcasting fresh pulp stories in the modern age – three to ten minutes of fiction brought to you Monday, Wednesday and Friday evenings.

    Tonight, our intrepid private investigator receives a lucrative offer.

     

    Mulligan Smith in Making the Call, Part 1 of 1

    Written by J.R.D. Skinner
    Art and Narration by Opopanax
    and Audio produced by Jessica May

     

    Mulligan SmithThe silver-haired man plucked at his jumpsuit’s sleeve as he told his story.

    “Olivia’s always been out to get me. She knows I get depressed on my birthday, so, every year, there’s a knock on my door; not at my secretary’s, not a buzz at the gate, not a visitor in the lobby – it’s a knock on my door. The courier is well dressed, he is excited to have the job. and he has no idea what he’s gotten himself into. He just stands there in his rented suit, grinning like an idiot, and holding the brightly wrapped box towards me.

    “Well, usually. Sometimes it’s something the size of a wallet case, but one year it came in a crate that stood nearly as tall as I do.

    “The packaging doesn’t matter much, as it’s always the same bloody thing inside anyhow. They may all look different, but a gun is a gun is a gun, so far as offing yourself is concerned.”

    “Maybe she means it for protection?” suggested Smith, as he shifted on his stool.

    “The weapons always come preloaded with a single bullet.”

    “Well,” replied the private investigator, “your ex-wife might just be superstitious: My mom wouldn’t give a wallet as a present without slipping a quarter in the change pocket.”

    “She signs every card with a Hemingway quote.”

    “Ok, it’s twisted,” said Mulligan, “but you have to admit, it’s sort of classy.”

    “You need to help me get her. You need to help me make it stop,” replied the storyteller in the orange outfit.

    The detective took a moment, staring at the blank white roof, before responding.

    “Look, Mr. Barger, we’re both aware that if I hadn’t stumbled across your illegal entertainments you wouldn’t be here. I’m not eager to work for a man with a grudge.”

    From behind the glass barrier, Charles Barger, former CEO and billionaire, straightened his prison uniform.

    “I’m a businessman. I don’t hold you responsible for my downfall anymore than I would hold Mercedes responsible if I crashed my car. As I mentioned, she was always out to get me: I had a weakness, and Olivia exploited it – you were just the tool.

    “Perhaps there was a time when I was angrier, but I’ve done my homework since. You’re good at what you do, and I like people who are good at what they do. I don’t mind being beat by the best – and now I require the best.

    “Do this job for me, and I’ll pay you thrice the wage she provided. Let’s get that bitch.”

    Smith’s lips sputtered quietly in consideration.

    “You told me a story, so let me tell you one,” he said. “It’s my father’s, actually. It’s about something he refers to as the Alien Rule.

    “In the late ‘70s he wanted to get away from the city – for personal reasons – so he spent a bit working with a sheriff’s office in a little backwater. A village with maybe a few hundred people living in it. One day he hears from a guy named Surly Davis. Surly wasn’t what his mom called him, of course, but everyone in a place that small has a nickname.

    “Anyhow, he rings up Deputy Pops one morning, and he’s shouting about UFOs. As it happened, Davis was known to yell about a lot of things, and I guess extraterrestrials was one of them. You’ve met the type, I’m sure: Fellow with a third grade education who knows everything because he’s misread it from grocery store tabloid headlines, and always has a “get outta my sight, you goddamn delinquents” ready for any nearby children.

    “Whatever the case, Dad makes the drive, and, sure enough, there’s a crop circle the size of a battleship stretching across Surly’s field. Well, it wasn’t like the fancy loops you see on tv – just a winding series of lines leveled through the wheat, with a few widening patches where everything had been pushed down.

    “Pops is a patient guy, but apparently he was losing it a bit with Davis. See, the elder Smith figured it was maybe a rampaging animal, or even a couple of kids, so he’s walking the pattern, trying to imagine what it might mean – but Davis is following him the whole time, complaining.

    “Over the course of the day, and with a flask helping to lubricate his train of thought, the farmer somehow merged his UFO theory with his delinquent preoccupation. He was sure the local miscreants had summoned them to mess with him. Said they probably learned how from ‘that Close Encounters of the Third Kind movie’.

    ”Unable to take conspiracy-talk anymore, Dad waves him off and drives back to town. He dials a pilot friend of his – an hour’s drive away – and asks for a ride in his plane. Sweetens the deal with fifty bucks from the policeman’s ball fund.

    “He goes aloft, comes back, and doesn’t report much.

    “A few of the locals, pals of his, ended up approaching him before he could break the department’s budget any further. Guess they’d gotten sick of having their kids shouted at, so half the town’s residents had had a bit of wine the previous night, then headed out with some planks. Took ‘em till dawn, but one of them was an engineer, and he put in the effort to create a plan that left them with a drawing of a man proudly displaying his middle finger.”

    Mulligan zipped his hoodie.

    “Right,” he said, “I appreciate the flattery, I really do, and I’m sure I could overcharge you for plenty of billable hours, but there remains the detail that I sort of loath you.

    “You can blame your wife for your woes all you like – frankly, I don’t much intend on working for her again either – but you should keep Dad’s rule in mind: ‘Sure, it may be an alien, but, when you’re an asshole everything tends to look like an anal probe.’

    “Chin up, though. Since I put you in jail it’s pretty unlikely Olivia will be delivering a fresh gun this year.”

    Barger was still mustering a reply as Mulligan replaced the black-corded receiver and made for the door.

     

    Flash Pulp is presented by http://skinner.fm, and is released under the Canadian Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 2.5 License.

    Freesound.org credits:

    Text and audio commentaries can be sent to skinner@skinner.fm, or the voicemail line at (206) 338-2792 – but be aware that it may appear in the FlashCast.

    – and thanks to you, for reading. If you enjoyed the story, tell your friends.

    FP254 – The Tightened Braid: a Blackhall Tale, Part 6 of 6

    Welcome to Flash Pulp, episode two hundred and fifty-four.

    (Part 1Part 2Part 3Part 4Part 5Part 6)

    Flash PulpTonight we present, The Tightened Braid: a Blackhall Tale, Part 6 of 6

    [audio:http://traffic.libsyn.com/skinner/FlashPulp254.mp3]Download MP3
    (RSS / iTunes)

     

    This week’s episodes are brought to you by Groggy Frog Thai Massage.

     

    Flash Pulp is an experiment in broadcasting fresh pulp stories in the modern age – three to ten minutes of fiction brought to you Monday, Wednesday and Friday evenings.

    Tonight, Thomas Blackhall, master frontiersman and student of the occult, suffers a sudden reunion.

     

    The Tightened Braid: a Blackhall Tale, Part 6 of 6 – The Beginning

    Written by J.R.D. Skinner
    Art and Narration by Opopanax
    and Audio produced by Jessica May

     

    Thomas BlackhallBefore he could bring his occult ship fully under control, Thomas had moved well beyond the knot of Fitzhughs, and the crone, and his beloved Mairi.

    Beneath his northward-bound hull, the trees rolled ever onward, allowing ample latitude with which to practice the control of his strange tool. The forest, he found, rose and fell like any sea, though the crests were determined by the vagaries of sunlight and soil, rather than wind and gravity.

    For some time there were but the sounds of creaking timber, and his steady pounding.

    Eventually, Blackhall rode over an ocean of pines, which seemed, in the moonlight, to stretch outside his reckoning. He understood by then that his speed was determined by the meter of his drumming, and that his direction was readily alterable by aiming his impacts towards the edge of the instrument’s head, and so, thus confident in his course, Thomas allowed himself a moment of consideration, as the wildwood bent to meet his bow.

    It had been his intention, until that point, simply to escape. Once free of pursuers, he’d reasoned, he could devise a method of extracting his stolen gear, for, without his equipment, he had no doubt as to the outcome of a confrontation with the witch – just as he had no doubt as to the inevitable result of the current contest.

    He did not look forward to someday overtaking the dead column, and encountering the gaunt face of his former comrade. Would Fitzhugh’s likness be duplicated a dozen times along the parade of cadavers?

    There was also the matter of the dagger. Misuse of the arcane blade had obviously drawn the crone, and it was a surety that its ownership would pass into her hands. Despite the carnage it had caused, though, Thomas knew it would be far from her most powerful talisman.

    He took some small comfort in the fact that Fitzhugh had discovered the proper use of only one of the charms, and, yet, he worried that even the captain’s unsuccessful experimentations would be enough to bring the hag to Perth.

    It was this thought, and the realization that he faced a shrinking opportunity to regain his relics, which shook Blackhall from his revere. His hands had become numb from cold and use, and his coat had taken on a layer of snowy frost, but he now set about redoubling his tempo.

    The witch would not dare approach the settlement, Thomas knew, if he were once again in possession of his tools – and so it was a race.

    There were few landmarks, at his great height, to reckon how close he returned to the battle site, but his staccato carried him wide of the mark. It was only as the trees thinned, at the cusp of civilization’s assertion, that he realized he was under-trained in the mooring of his ship.

    His rhythm slowed, and so, too, did the vessel. Judging his rapidly diminishing momentum, he aimed for a final colossal maple, which marked the boundary of a farmer’s field. With measured arms, he let his craft brush the bulky limbs, then ceased his tattoo. As if a Sunday cruise encountering a friendly jetty, his sprouted-boat came to a bobbing stop.

    There was little time to enjoy the victory, as the bench which had held him immediately commenced to crumble. It required quick action, and steady feet, to exit with the drum before The Green Ship’s leafy planks became fully unglued, and fell away to the ivory turf below.

    Once firmly on the ground, however, there remained some distance to walk until Blackhall would encounter the lopsided shanties that marked Perth’s furthest outreaches, and, as he progressed over the drift-covered croplands, the enormity of the task ahead began to weigh at his mind. It was not a mystic problem, but one of mundane logistics.

    There would likely be at least a pair of burly sentries – innocents – at the captain’s quarters, and who was even to say that Fitzhugh would be fool enough to store the artifacts where they might so easily be reclaimed?

    Possibly even more pressing, Thomas was unsure of his status in relation to the bloodied corpse he’d left on the floor of his rented room.

    Was he a wanted man?

    The question guided his course upon re-entering the town’s limits, and his initial destination was a lingering stroll past the darkened windows of his former place of lodging, The Bucking Pony.

    It was there that he received his last surprise of the evening.

    Leaning against the public house’s rough planks, with a satchel at his feet, was a figure whose upturned collar, and low knit cap, prevented immediate identification.

    When the form detached himself from the structure and approached, Blackhall allowed his right hand to drift to his sabre’s chilled hilt. As the distance closed, however,Thomas recognized the stranger as the quiet lad who’d driven the sleigh for himself, and Wesley Shea, but a few hours earlier.

    “Come, come,” said the youth, and so the frontiersman did. As they stalked the empty boardwalk that lined the street’s shops, the boy’s feet and tongue moved with anxious energy. “I waited too long to follow, and I must apologize. I did run, but, by then, you were well gone. From a distance, I watched a band of Fitzhughs flow from between buildings, and gather in a sleigh brought round by yet another. If they noted my presence, they paid me no heed.

    “After they were gone, all was silence. It was as if I were forgotten.”

    Despite the pace, Blackhall seized the excuse to retrieve, from the depths of his coat, his Virginian tobacco and fine Spanish papers.

    “I am certain,” he replied, “that your captain would have had a well-sharpened word with you when he returned, if it were not for the delays he encountered.”

    With white-filled eyes, the private nodded. “My duty in acting as spy has been marked, officially, as leave, so, when I reappeared, I wasn’t much noticed. I ventured to my bunk, to try and sleep, but I was left feeling as if matters were unconcluded, and rest was elusive.

    “It was while lying there, with my nerves being worn away by the lack of resolution, that your damnable tale came to me. For whatever purpose, you’ve revealed to me a world I couldn’t have known existed – a world beyond this colony, beyond home, beyond the entirety of the blessed empire. The power you have shown me is too much to rest in the hands of those with so narrow a goal as world domination, and, as such -” The speaker halted at the entrance to the town’s meager post office, and turned a squint on Blackhall. “No, first, tell me: What designs have you with the tools you have carried here?”

    Thomas, who had completed the construction of his vice, raised a brow at the question, but answered honestly. “I wish only to retrieve the roaming corpse of my wife, so that I might lay her body to rest, and her spirit as well.”

    The response brought a smile to his companion’s lips. “A romantic, eh? I wouldn’t have guessed it. I’ve long held that anyone desiring a position is likely not the best candidate for it. Here, then, are your goods.

    “I played my last card with my chum, telling him that Fitz himself had asked for the retrieval. The blokes watching the door knew his face, and didn’t think hard on the move, as he’d been doing it for weeks during your comings and goings.

    “They’ll be plenty displeased to find the lie of the thing, though, so it’s probably best they are not allowed an opportunity to inform us of such.”

    Blackhall had thought the boy was bound to suggest a partnership; that the satchel had held supplies necessary for their imminent departure. He hadn’t expected this turn of events, and, as he accepted the extended gift, he found it necessary to clear his throat before he could provide his reply.

    “Considering the efforts you have undertaken on my behalf, I feel quite beggarly in admitting I do not recall your name. Shea made it known to me, when we hired you on, but it has been lost in the chaos.

    “Furthermore, if I am truthful, you may be my only living, human, friend in this bedeviled land.

    “Worse, I have favours I must ask, favours which will draw you nearer to the types of uncanny danger that have thus far hounded our association.”

    Little did Blackhall realize the import of his words, nor the nature of the remarkable partnership he had just proposed.

    “The Queen likely won’t have me back, so I can’t see that I’ve anything better to occupy myself with,” replied the youth, as he buried his hands in his jacket pockets. “I feel bound to help, and will do so happily if it might sate the curiosity my mother long warned would be the death of me.

    “Oh, and the name she gave me was Montgomery – Montgomery Smith.”

    They spoke on in the hush, forging plans, then, at dawn, they began their journey north.

     

    (Part 1Part 2Part 3Part 4Part 5Part 6)

     

    Flash Pulp is presented by http://skinner.fm, and is released under the Canadian Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 2.5 License.

    Freesound.org credits:

    Text and audio commentaries can be sent to skinner@skinner.fm, or the voicemail line at (206) 338-2792 – but be aware that it may appear in the FlashCast.

    – and thanks to you, for reading. If you enjoyed the story, tell your friends.

    FP253 – The Tightened Braid: a Blackhall Tale, Part 5 of 6

    Welcome to Flash Pulp, episode two hundred and fifty-three.

    (Part 1Part 2Part 3Part 4Part 5Part 6)

    Flash PulpTonight we present, The Tightened Braid: a Blackhall Tale, Part 5 of 6

    [audio:http://traffic.libsyn.com/skinner/FlashPulp253.mp3]Download MP3
    (RSS / iTunes)

     

    This week’s episodes are brought to you by Groggy Frog Thai Massage.

     

    Flash Pulp is an experiment in broadcasting fresh pulp stories in the modern age – three to ten minutes of fiction brought to you Monday, Wednesday and Friday evenings.

    Tonight, Thomas Blackhall, master frontiersman and student of the occult, suffers a sudden reunion.

     

    The Tightened Braid: a Blackhall Tale, Part 5 of 6 – Come Hell

    Written by J.R.D. Skinner
    Art and Narration by Opopanax
    and Audio produced by Jessica May

     

    Thomas BlackhallFrom his forgotten post in the barren oak, Thomas Blackhall watched the unnatural melee unfold.

    Below, the Fitzhugh doppelgangers had fallen onto their training and assembled into a tight firing line, as if facing a continental army. Their squared shoulders knocked snow from the surrounding brush, and their boots were steadfastly planted, but the dozen men seemed to constitute a meager formation to oppose the uncounted stumbling dead that flowed from the depths of the wildwood.

    Still, their muskets cracked, and reloaded, at a tenacious speed.

    For her part, Thomas could see that the crone, who stood well behind her mystically resurrected wall of writhing flesh, did naught but grin at the soldiers’ efforts.

    The approaching cadavers were a motley lot: Some were clad in funerary finery, and some had had their clothing so badly beaten by the exposure of their endless trek that they were now unrecognizable as anything but rags – yet others wore only their own molding skin.

    Blackhall, whose mouth remained brimming with the water he’d gained through patient persistence, lay a hand on The Green Drum, and leaned further from his roost. His focus had caught upon a familiar form drifting through the dim, amid a small cluster of flanking corpses.

    Mairi’s gaze was unseeing, and the cream gown he’d buried her in – the same she’d worn on the day of their joining – was tattered, but he could not resist the opportunity to be near to her.

    Catching his occult instrument securely in his Baker rifle’s strap, Blackhall hung both across a stout limb, and began his descent.

    It required great attention to not unwittingly sip at his jaws’ payload, but, once on the ground, Thomas moved as if in a dream.

    The stiff carcasses made no effort to step high, over the white drifts, but, instead, left their feet to drag through the resisting powder, slowing their progress. Overtaking the group was a simple enough process, but, as Blackhall reached the ambush party, he was unsure what greeting he might expect.

    With a kick which sent an unwanted trickle of liquid down his throat, Thomas toppled the nearest shambler, a curly-haired man, in a mud-stained set of suit trousers, whose scalp had been increasingly torn-wide by unyielding branches. Never pausing, the empty-faced straggler paid no attention to the affront, but only worked to regain his footing, so that he might continue his ponderous assault.

    Releasing his saber, Blackhall gave in to the temptation of scrambling to his Mairi’s side.

    Beyond his prize, the Fitzhughs had drawn into a close circle, and were holding what ground they could with muskets turned to clubs, or naked blades. The weapons appeared of scant use in turning back the press of animated bodies, although many fleshy scraps of the deceased lay separated from their owners, and motionless on the frost about the defenders’ feet.

    Thomas reflected, briefly, that the authentic Fitzhugh – standing at the midpoint of the ring, and anxiously waving the bone-handled, silver-bladed, dagger – would be without trouble in
    maintaining the flow of blood necessary to keep his force under their current enchantment of transformation, but, after a last closing step, Blackhall’s considerations were carried off by the chill blow of the winter wind, as it pulled at his wife’s knotted hair.

    Her rites had been said below a weeping sky, both an ocean, and a lifetime, away.

    The vigil and liturgy had taken place on his father’s estate, where the family preserved a long history of consigning their cherished dead. Too clearly he remembered the cavernous room that had held her exhausted form, reposed in preparation for internment. The painted clutter of some forgotten ancestor climbed the green and gold loops of the wallpaper, in a pale imitation of floral gaiety, and the ornate box at the room’s center, in which his beloved had been laid, seemed over-large for her tiny frame.

    Under his scrutiny, the soft lines of her wedding dress stood stark against the red velvet of the coffin.

    Not far down the hall, his daughter had mewled, occasionally, from within her swaddling, but, beside those infrequent complaints, the newborn had slept rather than face the day.

    It was Thomas’ decision to negate the pomp and circumstance so often given death, and he had received no few ill-intended stares, from the damp eyes of his theatrically-minded cousins, at his demand that the room be cleared.

    As the infuriatingly constant grandfather clock marked the short hours before her burial, he spoke to Mairi of the existence they had promised each other, and of the grand life he intended to make for their Elizabeth. He wept, and laughed, and screamed.

    Spent, he eventually made his best effort, with unpracticed hands, to plait her hair, as was her preference. It was a rough result, as her lolling neck gave no help, but his vision was greatly clouded by the project’s completion, and he knew there was little more he could do.

    Despite the outrageous abuses her remains had suffered in the interim, Thomas’ approach now made clear that the braid had held.

    He offered no attempt to speak to his wife as he swept aside a pine branch to allow for a better view of her ashen grimace. Her lips had withered, revealing gaps between her once pristine teeth, and her left ear had been lost to some unknown trauma.

    Time and distance had hardened the frontiersman, and yet the sight was enough to drive his heart to agony.

    Unable to release his tongue, he silently cursed the hag, and Fitzhugh, who had robbed him of the equipment necessary to destroy the old woman, then, with an unexpectedly steady grasp, he held Mairi’s trailing mane, and raised his sword.

    His arm’s motion was firm, but true, and, once separated from her tress, his wife continued on, unheeding, towards her grisly objective.

    Thomas did not linger, as he sheathed his weapon and stuffed the captured hair into a deep pocket of his greatcoat.

    It was as he was mid-ascent, and almost returned to his materials, that the crone noted his presence.

    Fresh instructions rolled from her hollow scowl, weighed by the snarl of command, and the rotting procession wheeled, focusing instead on Blackhall’s nest.

    He no longer cared.

    Frustration, as Thomas had not felt since first taking in the news of his beloved’s defilement, and further stoked by his restricted ability to let fly his voice, blazed in his chest as he retook his lofty station.

    The memory of his graceless fingers, on the day of Mairi’s requiem, came to him then, and drove his conduct before reason could halt the useless action: For, there were other skills his appendages had since learned as instinct, and a rare marksmanship was amongst them.

    Nonetheless, while his shot landed as intended, passing through the harridan’s right lung and theoretical heart, she only laughed at the insult.

    Unhesitating, Blackhall slung his empty rifle, and let a portion of his precariously transported liquid dribble atop the freshly stretched skin of The Green Drum. His opening strike upon the surface of the viking relic cut short the witch’s merriment.

    Too late did she realize that the bare oak he’d scaled was not a last resort, but an escape.

    Each booming impact let fly a spray of water, and, as the droplets settled over the chilled bark of his temporary sanctuary, the timber commenced to sway with a terrible rhythm. There came bursting, from every point of moisture, a new sprout, and from every new sprout, a bough. The growth, however, did not advance without purpose. As if guided by a master shipwright, the leafy spurs surged and became struts, then broadened and intertwined, weaving a flat-bellied dragonboat about Thomas’ cadence.

    Though his supply of liquid had long run out, as Blackhall maintained a galley’s beat, his rough seat fattened to a level bench, and the tool of his enchantment became solidly affixed to the floor which had formed beneath him.

    Below, the clumsy ghouls had gained some purchase in their climb, but they had not yet achieved half their goal when the structure had completed knitting itself into a whole.

    No longer was it Blackhall’s tree alone which roiled at the sound of the drum, for the forest now seemed to rise at its tips, and bend in an otherwise unfelt gale. As pine and cedar bowed with equal fervor, there came to Thomas’ ear a sound like scraped shoals. With a series of creaking snaps, the vessel was separated at the dozen points which held it to the tree of its origin, and the craft lurched forward.

    Finally, held aloft by the grasping woodland which had been roused to convey it, The Green Ship sailed.

     

    (Part 1Part 2Part 3Part 4Part 5Part 6)

     

    Flash Pulp is presented by http://skinner.fm, and is released under the Canadian Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 2.5 License.

    Freesound.org credits:

    Text and audio commentaries can be sent to skinner@skinner.fm, or the voicemail line at (206) 338-2792 – but be aware that it may appear in the FlashCast.

    – and thanks to you, for reading. If you enjoyed the story, tell your friends.