True Crime Tuesday: Sir Mix-a-Lot Edition

Today’s True Crime Tuesday is all about how far people will go for love, be it by putting more junk in their trunk, or by putting THEIR junk in an equine trunk.

First up is the unfortunate tale of brony Andrew Mendoza, as conveyed by The Huffington Post. (These are screenshots of the police report PDF available on the HuffPo.)

I know I usually walk you through this sort of thing, but this is a journey you must make on your own – and, besides, I’m busy arming myself against the inevitable horseman uprising.

Mr. Ed, however, isn’t the only one with “saddle sores” – as Miami New Times reports:

A Pahokee man known alternately as Calvin Butler or Tameika Butler has been charged with injecting silicon into his patients’ butts in a West Palm Beach motel and closing the wounds with Krazy Glue.

Butler victimized several would-be patients at the motel, sheriffs say. And he went so far to protect himself as stalking one man to the hospital, barging into his room in a wig and a fur coat, and screaming, “You need to remember who the #**$ is in charge!”

I wonder if Mendoza used the same line?

One victim, a woman with a young child, went to the motel four times between September and October last year, the Palm Beach Post reports, paying $200 a pop for silicon injections.

When she developed “painful nodules” over the injections, Butler told her to take “warm baths” and massage the spots. She eventually ended up with swollen lymph nodes, a chronic cough and several hospital stays.

Just how badly was Butler conducting the procedure? I don’t doubt the symptoms, but I do wonder how butt injections lead to a chronic cough.

Another man ended up at the Palm Beach Gardens Medical Center in December, where deputies found him with open sores on his ass where the injections were made.

The man, who later had to have parts of his butt surgically removed, says Butler charged him only $100 because he was a friend but told him he charged “strippers” $400 each. Furious that he’d gone to the hospital, Butler ended up berating him in his room, the sheriffs say.

Remember: Real friends don’t let friends get rented-room surgical procedures – it’s simply too much of a pain in the ass.