True Crime Tuesday: The Pettiest of Theft

Scratch a Thief
Today, for True Crime Tuesday, we present a trio of inappropriate appropriations.

Before we begin, however: I’d just like to say that spending quality time with your children is important, but, still, look into daycare if you’ve chosen a life of crime.


Marcy Keelin went to the Safeway store with her 10-year-old daughter about 5 p.m. on Wednesday. The two loaded up on food that they had no plans on paying for.

Keelin reportedly told her daughter to wait inside the store, near the exit doors, while she got their car. The girl’s job was to push the cart out of the store as soon as she saw her mom pulling up.

Obviously, there was no backup plan. Store officials busted the girl as she walked out the store with the groceries in tow. Mom saw this unfold, and so she did what any terrible mother would do — she drove away, leaving the kid to clean up her mess.

This may count as poor parenting, , and rather stupid, but it still has that whiff of sweaty desperation – especially evident when food is the item being stolen – that brings some sympathy for the perpetrator.

There is no such saving grace for William Keltner.

How bad was Keltner’s plan? So bad it apparently required a discussion couched in South Park-ese.


According to KTXS, Keltner’s alleged plan was as follows.

1. Take a TV worth $228 and put it in a cart.
2. Take off the TV’s real barcode and replace it with one valued at $1.17 and take it through a self-checkout line.
3. ????
4. Profit!

Now, the first two items had their comedy, but I think this last article is an idea that has legs.


For reasons unknown, a cleaning lady in Sweden allegedly stole a train around 3am morning and promptly crashed it into a home in an upscale Stockholm suburb. The twentysomething woman managed to board and start the unoccupied train at a station, and a rep for the company that operates the line says an investigation is under way into how, exactly, such a thing could happen. After reaching the last stop on the line, the train went off the tracks and into a kitchen.

Though it caused extensive damage to the home, no one inside was injured. But The Local reports that a woman, presumably the driver, was trapped in the wreckage for two hours. The driver is now in the hospital with serious injuries; she’s also facing charges of public devastation. As of this afternoon, the train was still inside the house as emergency crews determined the safest way to remove it.

Imagine, if you will, a revival of I Love Lucy by way of Breaking Bad.

Instead of a housewife falling into random misadventures, it’s a modern-day working gal falling into an occasional meth-based stupor. Ricky’s character could be changed into the overworked social worker who is constantly trying to keep her out of trouble. This, the pilot episode, would clearly end with her being ordered to clean the house she’d demolished – and right after quitting her horrible maid job!

Oh, Lucy.

Still, would today’s audiences believe she could steal a train and accidentally run it into someone’s house? Probably not.
The Avenger, Nov. 1939