True Crime Tuesday: That Doesn't Go There Edition

Poisons Unknown by Frank Kane

This week’s True Crime Tuesday is largely an unpleasant combination of love and misplaced chemicals – to quote Nazareth, the Scottish rockers, “love hurts, love scars, love wounds, and mars,” and, sometimes, love tries to kill you in unexpected ways.

Savage Glenn sent in this The Week report:

The intended victim, a 43-year-old man who has not been named, says his wife tried to lure him into bed and encouraged him to perform oral sex on her.

– which is, admittedly, not a common opening gambit for murder.

His suspicions were aroused when he noticed an unusual odour emanating from her private parts and, fearing she was unwell, took her to hospital, Brazil’s Tvi24 reports.

It’s always a bit sad when the intended victim attempts to take care of their assailant – still, I’m reminded of the relation between cyanide and the smell of almonds.

Medical tests revealed she had doused her vagina with enough of the unspecified toxin to kill both her husband and herself.

Murder-suicide by vagina should make for an interesting Law & Order: SVU episode at least.

Confronted with the test results the woman reportedly confessed to her crime. It is believed she hatched the bizarre plot after asking her husband for a divorce, a request he now seems rather more likely to acquiesce to. Tvi24 says the woman has received medical treatment and sources claim her husband plans to sue her for attempted murder.

Not all chemical/orifice interactions end so well, however.

Opop noted this item from The Smoking Gun:

The 42-year-old [Tammy Warner] is facing a homicide rap for allegedly giving her husband a lethal wine enema. Why a wine enema? Well, according to cops, Michael Warner, 58, liked to drink, but was unable to guzzle sherry due to a throat ailment. So the couple opted last May for a secondary delivery method for two large bottles of the booze.

Too soon for a “hitting rock bottom” joke?

The sherry infusion drove Warner’s blood alcohol level to a whopping 0.47 and triggered his demise, according to the below indictment, which charges that Warner knew that her husband “should not ingest or consume alcohol.”

– how about a “backdoor clause” joke?

To be fair, I imagine the process of pouring two bottles into Michael required at least some cooperation to avoid, uh, puckering – although, perhaps he was will-less to stop it.

In addition to a charge of criminally negligent homicide, Warner was hit with a second felony, for allegedly burning her husband’s will one month before his May 2004 death. She destroyed the document, the indictment alleges, in a bid to “defraud or harm” others.

Strong Poison by Dorothy L. Sayers