True Crime Tuesday: Better Left Alone Edition

Call it Marriage by Gail Jordan
Today’s True Crime Tuesday offers up a triple helping of mislaid criminal intentions.

For example: Have you ever found yourself in the uncomfortable situation of discovering that a ring you’ve been wearing for some time simply won’t come off? What solution did you undertake? Water? Maybe a bit of butter?

Alfredo Malespini III was in just that predicament – as a federal prison guard, however, he took his efforts to escape both the ring, and the marital bond associated with it, very seriously:


A criminal complaint said Bradford police were called just before 9 p.m. March 2 and were met by Alfredo Malespini III, 31, who told officers he was “trying to get rid of his wedding ring” and decided to “shoot it off.” The Bradford Era first reported the shooting on Friday.

Ouch – a rough solution, indeed, but can you guess what’s rougher still?

The gunshot badly mangled Malespini’s finger, but didn’t remove the ring[.]

The Finger Man by Raymond Chandler

Perhaps the unidentified skater in our next case, found at, was simply attempting to help Malespini?

The 42-year-old man, whose name has not been released, was first spotted skating toward the chainsaw section of the Lowe’s on the 400 block of Bayshore Boulevard around 2:30 p.m. Friday, said police spokeswoman Officer Ellina Teper.

“He selected a chainsaw and tried to skate out the front entrance,” Teper said. “A store clerk stopped him and asked if he had a receipt for the saw.”

Laugh if you want, a chainsaw wielding rollerblader seems like a great zombie deterrent. The thief in question must have thought so as well, as he wasn’t willing to give up so easily as simply “needing a receipt.”

He said he had a receipt outside and put the chainsaw down, but instead of skating outside he turned around and glided back toward the chainsaw section, Teper said.

He grabbed another one and, this time, tried to skate out through the store’s garden center, Teper said. A security guard stopped him and held him until police arrived. He was booked on suspicion of burglary and was found to have several outstanding traffic violation warrants.

I suppose, at least, that the traffic violations may explain the footwear – it’s tougher, however, to justify the actions reported by

The story begins when a man and woman were evicted from their apartment on James Lee Boulevard and temporarily moved in with another woman, according to an arrest report. On Jan. 24 the couple argued with the woman and moved out, taking most of their belongings with them. They left behind two mounted deer heads the woman was storing in her motor home.

Heads that, as we shall see, they clearly held dear.

The next day the female member of the couple returned and demanded access to her deer heads. The woman refused. Later that afternoon, the man received a text message from the woman saying he could come and get their deer heads, which were outside the woman’s apartment. When the man arrived the deer heads were nowhere in sight.

Confession: I may have selected this article entirely for the phrase “access to her deer heads.”

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On Jan. 27 police talked to the woman, who said the couple owed her money so she took the deer heads. She said she arranged with a neighbor to return the deer heads when the couple arrived with her money.

The neighbor, however, said he didn’t want to get involved and left the deer heads outside. He said he saw the woman talking to an unknown male, and later saw them leave with the deer heads.

The woman was charged with petit[sic?] theft and will appear in court March 26.

The lesson? Always pay ahead.

Whitetail Nation by Pete Bodo