ChampixHave you heard of Champix?

I hadn’t – at least, not to the best of my knowledge – until last night.

(All quotes are from the Wikipedia, emphasis is mine.)

Varenicline (trade name Chantix in the USA and Champix in Canada, Europe and other countries, marketed by Pfizer, usually in the form of varenicline tartrate) is a prescription medication used to treat smoking addiction.

That quick blurb actually contains more information than I managed to derive from their commercial, as it was one of those carefully generic bits of sentimental pandering that utterly avoided displaying anything as unsightly as someone interacting with, or attempting to shun, a cigarette.

Although it operates under “Chantix” in America, (which, frankly, sounds like something people take to increase their ability in occult muttering,) it’s the “Champix” title that really gets me; might I suggest these alternate names for the inevitable knock-offs?

  • Winneryl
  • Fantastix
  • Phenomenol
  • Awesomesauce

Beyond a description of the product, there was an extra something-else missing from the ad I saw:

Varenicline is also strongly suspected of causing severe psychological side effects. The US Food and Drug Administration requires varenicline and Zyban (bupropion) to carry a black box warning, the agency’s strongest safety warning, due to side effects including depression, suicidal thoughts, and suicidal actions.

Which has me eagerly anticipating the Pfizer corporation’s newest pharmaceutical, “Unicornolox”, an anti-aging cream which may cause the adverse reaction of murder.