Now and again, CNN finds itself confused – on those occasions, I step in to provide some clarity.
CNN opens with a barrage, but, the truth is, the answers to the first two are clearly related to how often the person in question has experimented with the third.
Of course, upon reading the article, I realized the error of my assumptions: The Laser Hooligans are just another gang that’s cropped up in the never-ending war for the West Side.
CNN’s front-page sometimes finds itself up against the hard questions – on those occasions, I step in to help.
Think you know about diabetes? Think again.
Personally, I find them all pretty mockable.
I find this sort of use and abuse of service staff pretty deplorable – just because you might encounter some poor maid napping in a hotel hallway doesn’t mean you can send her over sideways like some Wisconsinite farm-boy toppling a sleeping cow.
It’s been a while, but the CNN frontpage has once again found itself at the bottom of the rhetorical barrel – as usual, at such times, I step in to help.
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Monster – look at this press statement:
“Every Thursday,” contends Anthony Smith, eight, “Dad makes me finish all of my green beans. He knows I hate them and yet, every pork chop night, there they are – is not the very definition of insanity to repeat the same action while assuming the outcome will change?”
In response, Mr Smith’s only comment was, “They’re good for you!”
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Definitely “hot yoga”, but I’d like to take a moment to point out that, when I was a young boy, hot mess meant something entirely different – and it was usually flu-related.
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Yes; First they’ll drunk dial their old games in the middle of the night, crying about how they should never have stopped playing them, then they’ll eventually swear off games altogether – but, after a couple of months, they’ll be hanging out at a friend’s place, and encounter a new Grand Theft Auto, at which point their hearts will re-open, and they’ll discover, even with the hurt, that they can play again.
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Yes; unfortunately, though, it’s not a metaphorical silver lining: it’s a nitrate-heavy sludge pooling at the edges of the flood waters.
I’m still awaiting the return of the ladies, so blogging will continue in the “short & random” genre for the next couple of days.
That said, sometimes CNN finds its knickers in a twist, at which point I retrieve the shears – and, as often happens, the first item in question is more statement than query.
“- from laser-toting Jewish aliens lurking beneath the Earth’s crust, while also screaming profanities at a group of school children who happen to be passing his refrigerator box.”
Absolutely – there’s nothing that quite reflects the grandeur and majesty of a state occasion like a few hundred-thousand people engaged in wailing their vuvuzelas and singing hooligan soccer chants.
This question has been troubling me for a while now, and finally – finally! – Nancy Grace appears to be digging into the disappearance of Carmen Sandiego.
Not real. Since the suicide of the real Donald Trump, in 1992, his hollowed out corpse has been operated by a team of ex-Disney Imagineers. The increasingly ridiculous hairstyle is simply to distract from the puppet’s ever-deteriorating rotting skin.
I’m guessing gold-plated muumuus, but we’ll have to wait till next week to find out on a very special What Not To Wear.
I don’t have an answer for this one – but, I do believe we’ve just discovered why Anderson Cooper spends so much time in minimally regulated disaster areas, as well as why he’s put on a few pounds.
Dammit, Anderson!
Absolutely; you’d be surprised how competitive the basketball games at the Los Angeles County Women’s Correctional Facility can get.
Occasionally, CNN finds itself wallowing in confusion – on those occasions, I try to step in to lend some clarity.
I choose to read this is the lament of a weary travel writer at the end of his career, too broke from a lifetime spent jet-setting in Shanghai, and sipping fine wine in Venice, to be able to afford retirement.
“Is this all there is? A battered sleeping bag, a series of Airport smoking rooms, and the occasional fluff-piece byline in National Geographic?”
Yes, Gary, I’m afraid so.
No. I want three controllers for every flight coming down, and I want them all providing contradictory information in a life or death game of To Tell The Truth.
Rudely. Make a lot of disparaging comments about them around the supper table, and hope that next year, when she enters high school, she finds a better set of lice to hang out with.
The news is a little rough lately, so I thought I’d help CNN out by answering some of its non-tragic questions.
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This is really a matter of personal preference: do you prefer toiling at a soul crushing occupation with no reward except further abuse from those above you, or starving to death?
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Largely people who wish they were on Larry King instead.
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Oh, heck yes – what was it like to make out with pre-presidential Reagan? (Follow-up: Why do I always confuse you with Phyllis Diller?)
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9RUufFkv97M]
Occasionally CNN becomes entirely slack-jawed – at those times, I step in to assist.
Cancel that poor baby’s subscriptions to Cosmo and Vogue – popular media just gives them an unrealistic portrayal of infant body-shape.
Yes. Who are you, Matt?
Analysis? Chance to bash Iran? This sounds a lot like the US was on the receiving end of some zinger, and it only came up with a decent rejoinder after the moment had passed.
Iran: “Your capitalistic secularism has created long term instability in our region.”
US: “That’s what she said!”
Thanks for rubbing it in, CNN. I eagerly anticipate next week’s article: “Who’s buying a rocket-powered motorbike to jump over a string of fifty jewel-encrusted albinos, only to land in a pool filled with money? The rich.”
Pretty bad. It’s rumored in some circles that the iPad 2 camera spent most of the late-’80s helping run Baby Doc Duvalier’s regime in Haiti.
It appears CNN has once again become confused. As usual, I’ve done my best to help.
If by “edge” you mean the literal edges of bladed razor-wire, then, yes, I believe that happened in 1989.
This reminds me of the kids from grade school who would only tell you who their favourite Thunderbird/Ninja Turtle/Power Ranger was after they’d asked you the same question. The answer always seemed to be “Oh, yeah, that’s totally my favourite too.”
Maybe; I can’t provide a clear answer for this one – I didn’t click the article, as I was afraid it was just a come-on line for next season’s launch of Extreme Makeover: Dictator Edition.
Still, it looks like that flag said something awfully cheeky to Hillary.
Absolutely – their spines are totally out of whack from carrying all that money back and forth between Disney and the bank, and their hands are little more than gnarled claws from having to count it. Things are so rough they need to fly to Thailand twice a month to have tiny ladies provide massages and feed them fruity drinks.
Hey, it’s OK, CNN, it’s a tough job market out there. You’ve got a decent gig doing this lifestyle article thing, just be patient and you’ll find something better soon.
I can’t say for sure, but I certainly find it believable – you never know what those kinds of people are going to try and seduce.
Sometimes CNN.com starts throwing up questions, and, in those terribly confused moments, I step in to answer.
Well – the first isn’t actually a question, but that’s becoming traditional:
DADT may have been repealed, but the warship’s mom should have kept her mouth shut. It’s a shame no one introduced it to the It Gets Better Project.
I’ve heard this patter before: “- because, seriously, there’s not much left, and, you know, if you aren’t going to need it, my fries could use some more…”
Just take it already.
Absolutely. A reverse mortgage is exactly like cartoon amnesia – if anything goes wrong, all you have to do is get a double reverse mortgage and everything will be back to normal.
Yes.
This has to be the worst iteration of the “Carmen Sandiego” franchise yet.