Category: CNN Asks

CNN Asks: Strange Rays

Now and again, CNN finds itself confused – on those occasions, I step in to provide some clarity.

Questions, Questions, Questions
Questions, Questions, Questions

CNN opens with a barrage, but, the truth is, the answers to the first two are clearly related to how often the person in question has experimented with the third.

What's the verdict on 'Potter'?
What's the verdict on 'Potter'?
I’m still up in the air – Nancy Grace sure seems convinced that he’s guilty though.

Jets targeted by 'laser hooligans'
Jets targeted by 'laser hooligans'
This isn’t a question, but, when I first saw the headline, I grew quite excited. The term “laser hooligans” immediately brought to mind a couple of mohawked punks using a high-powered beam to engrave smiley faces and Jolly Rogers into the bellies of 747s.

Of course, upon reading the article, I realized the error of my assumptions: The Laser Hooligans are just another gang that’s cropped up in the never-ending war for the West Side.

Do French women embrace cheaters?
Do French women embrace cheaters?
Yes. This one actually seems pretty self evident: It isn’t cheating if they’re just embracing themselves.

CNN Asks: Thoughts You Thought You Knew

CNN’s front-page sometimes finds itself up against the hard questions – on those occasions, I step in to help.

What's on bin Laden courier's cell?
What's on bin Laden courier's cell?
Phone numbers to half-a-dozen halal pizza places, a recurring weekly alarm to call his mother, Apple store warranty info, Angry Birds, and a weather program that only ever reports the day to be “hot & arid”.

Think you know about diabetes?
Think you know about diabetes?
Think you know about diabetes? You don’t know jack – consider the facts:

  • Diabetes once slapped a woman for cutting ahead of it in line to see the Tron sequel.
  • Diabetes likes to hang out on highway overpasses and pee on passing vehicles.
  • Diabetes once tested Paul Atreides with “the box”.
  • Diabetes shot a man in reno, rushed him to the hospital, had him stitched up, brought him flowers, drove him home, then shot him a second time, just to watch him die.
  • Diabetes steps on all the cracks, and secretly wishes it WOULD break its mother’s back.

Think you know about diabetes? Think again.

NHL mock draft: Who's No. 1?
NHL mock draft: Who's No. 1?

Personally, I find them all pretty mockable.

Hotel Housekeeping: Do you tip?
Hotel Housekeeping: Do you tip?
Absolutely not.

I find this sort of use and abuse of service staff pretty deplorable – just because you might encounter some poor maid napping in a hotel hallway doesn’t mean you can send her over sideways like some Wisconsinite farm-boy toppling a sleeping cow.

Bin Laden worried about al Qaeda image?
Bin Laden worried about al Qaeda image?
Yes: specifically, the one they tweeted of their junks while at the jyhadi gym.

CNN Asks: Hot Mess of News

It’s been a while, but the CNN frontpage has once again found itself at the bottom of the rhetorical barrel – as usual, at such times, I step in to help.

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Anthony's dad: Victim or Monster?Monster – look at this press statement:

“Every Thursday,” contends Anthony Smith, eight, “Dad makes me finish all of my green beans. He knows I hate them and yet, every pork chop night, there they are – is not the very definition of insanity to repeat the same action while assuming the outcome will change?”

In response, Mr Smith’s only comment was, “They’re good for you!”

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Hot yoga or hot mess?Definitely “hot yoga”, but I’d like to take a moment to point out that, when I was a young boy, hot mess meant something entirely different – and it was usually flu-related.

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Will Sony gamers play again?Yes; First they’ll drunk dial their old games in the middle of the night, crying about how they should never have stopped playing them, then they’ll eventually swear off games altogether – but, after a couple of months, they’ll be hanging out at a friend’s place, and encounter a new Grand Theft Auto, at which point their hearts will re-open, and they’ll discover, even with the hurt, that they can play again.

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Silver lining for flooded Louisiana?Yes; unfortunately, though, it’s not a metaphorical silver lining: it’s a nitrate-heavy sludge pooling at the edges of the flood waters.

CNN Asks: Tin Foil Hats

Mel Gibson in SignsI’m still awaiting the return of the ladies, so blogging will continue in the “short & random” genre for the next couple of days.

That said, sometimes CNN finds its knickers in a twist, at which point I retrieve the shears – and, as often happens, the first item in question is more statement than query.

“- from laser-toting Jewish aliens lurking beneath the Earth’s crust, while also screaming profanities at a group of school children who happen to be passing his refrigerator box.”

Greene: Royal wedding cheer?Absolutely – there’s nothing that quite reflects the grandeur and majesty of a state occasion like a few hundred-thousand people engaged in wailing their vuvuzelas and singing hooligan soccer chants.

Where in the world...?This question has been troubling me for a while now, and finally – finally! – Nancy Grace appears to be digging into the disappearance of Carmen Sandiego.

CNN Asks: Hangin' With Mr. Cooper

Trump real - or freak show?

Not real. Since the suicide of the real Donald Trump, in 1992, his hollowed out corpse has been operated by a team of ex-Disney Imagineers. The increasingly ridiculous hairstyle is simply to distract from the puppet’s ever-deteriorating rotting skin.

What's inside Mubarak's closet?

I’m guessing gold-plated muumuus, but we’ll have to wait till next week to find out on a very special What Not To Wear.

Why does murder go well with food?

I don’t have an answer for this one – but, I do believe we’ve just discovered why Anderson Cooper spends so much time in minimally regulated disaster areas, as well as why he’s put on a few pounds.

What became of dogs left in nuke zone?

Dammit, Anderson!

Lindsay Lohan to play Victoria Gotti?

Absolutely; you’d be surprised how competitive the basketball games at the Los Angeles County Women’s Correctional Facility can get.

CNN Asks: The End Of Gary Trundle, Part Time Columnist

Occasionally, CNN finds itself wallowing in confusion – on those occasions, I try to step in to lend some clarity.

Airport smoking rooms: here to stay?

I choose to read this is the lament of a weary travel writer at the end of his career, too broke from a lifetime spent jet-setting in Shanghai, and sipping fine wine in Venice, to be able to afford retirement.

“Is this all there is? A battered sleeping bag, a series of Airport smoking rooms, and the occasional fluff-piece byline in National Geographic?”

Yes, Gary, I’m afraid so.

Is one air traffic controller enough?

No. I want three controllers for every flight coming down, and I want them all providing contradictory information in a life or death game of To Tell The Truth.

How should I treat my daughter's lice?

Rudely. Make a lot of disparaging comments about them around the supper table, and hope that next year, when she enters high school, she finds a better set of lice to hang out with.

CNN Asks: Trickle Down Make-out.

The news is a little rough lately, so I thought I’d help CNN out by answering some of its non-tragic questions.

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Bad job vs no job: Which is worse?This is really a matter of personal preference: do you prefer toiling at a soul crushing occupation with no reward except further abuse from those above you, or starving to death?

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Who's on Piers Morgan tonight?Largely people who wish they were on Larry King instead.

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Got a question for Cloris Leachman?Oh, heck yes – what was it like to make out with pre-presidential Reagan? (Follow-up: Why do I always confuse you with Phyllis Diller?)


CNN Asks: Jewel-Encrusted Albinos & Body Image

Occasionally CNN becomes entirely slack-jawed – at those times, I step in to assist.

How can I get my toddler to eat more?

Cancel that poor baby’s subscriptions to Cosmo and Vogue – popular media just gives them an unrealistic portrayal of infant body-shape.

Got a question for Matt?

Yes. Who are you, Matt?

Analysis: A chance for US to bash Iran?

Analysis? Chance to bash Iran? This sounds a lot like the US was on the receiving end of some zinger, and it only came up with a decent rejoinder after the moment had passed.

Iran: “Your capitalistic secularism has created long term instability in our region.”
US: “That’s what she said!”

Who's buying homes? The rich

Thanks for rubbing it in, CNN. I eagerly anticipate next week’s article: “Who’s buying a rocket-powered motorbike to jump over a string of fifty jewel-encrusted albinos, only to land in a pool filled with money? The rich.”

Just how bad is the iPad 2 camera?

Pretty bad. It’s rumored in some circles that the iPad 2 camera spent most of the late-’80s helping run Baby Doc Duvalier’s regime in Haiti.

CNN Asks: TV Money & The KKK

It appears CNN has once again become confused. As usual, I’ve done my best to help.

Is trendy East Berlin losing its edge?If by “edge” you mean the literal edges of bladed razor-wire, then, yes, I believe that happened in 1989.


'Born This Way': What's the verdict?This reminds me of the kids from grade school who would only tell you who their favourite Thunderbird/Ninja Turtle/Power Ranger was after they’d asked you the same question. The answer always seemed to be “Oh, yeah, that’s totally my favourite too.”


Can Clinton Remake US Diplomacy?Maybe; I can’t provide a clear answer for this one – I didn’t click the article, as I was afraid it was just a come-on line for next season’s launch of Extreme Makeover: Dictator Edition.

Still, it looks like that flag said something awfully cheeky to Hillary.


"Hannah Montana" ruined Cyruses?Absolutely – their spines are totally out of whack from carrying all that money back and forth between Disney and the bank, and their hands are little more than gnarled claws from having to count it. Things are so rough they need to fly to Thailand twice a month to have tiny ladies provide massages and feed them fruity drinks.


Why aren't employers calling me back?Hey, it’s OK, CNN, it’s a tough job market out there. You’ve got a decent gig doing this lifestyle article thing, just be patient and you’ll find something better soon.


Ku Klux Klan related license plate?I can’t say for sure, but I certainly find it believable – you never know what those kinds of people are going to try and seduce.


The Most Trusted Name In Questions

Sometimes starts throwing up questions, and, in those terribly confused moments, I step in to answer.

Well – the first isn’t actually a question, but that’s becoming traditional:

Warship sinks after family outingDADT may have been repealed, but the warship’s mom should have kept her mouth shut. It’s a shame no one introduced it to the It Gets Better Project.


Are You Going To Skip The Salt?I’ve heard this patter before: “- because, seriously, there’s not much left, and, you know, if you aren’t going to need it, my fries could use some more…”

Just take it already.


Should I get a reverse mortgage?Absolutely. A reverse mortgage is exactly like cartoon amnesia – if anything goes wrong, all you have to do is get a double reverse mortgage and everything will be back to normal.


&#@! eases pain?Yes.


GOP 2012 candidates where are they?This has to be the worst iteration of the “Carmen Sandiego” franchise yet.