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Flash Pulp 066 – Joe Monk, Emperor Of Space: Surfing, Part 1 of 1

Flash PulpWelcome to Flash Pulp, Episode Sixty-Six.

Tonight, we present Joe Monk, Emperor Of Space: Surfing, Part 1 of 1

[audio:http://traffic.libsyn.com/skinner/FlashPulp066.mp3]

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This week’s episodes are brought to you by the Flash Pulp page on Facebook.

It’s like a wild west show crashed into a Comic-Con.

To join, click here.

Flash Pulp is an experiment in broadcasting fresh pulp stories in the modern age – three to ten minutes of fiction brought to you Monday, Wednesday and Friday evenings.

Tonight we present a tale from the education of Joe Monk, well before he became The Emporer Of Space.

Flash Pulp 066 – Joe Monk, Emperor Of Space: Surfing, Part 1 of 1

Written by J.R.D. Skinner
Art and Narration by Opopanax
and Audio produced by Jessica May

Joe Monk had been traveling with his new friend, the short and hard-shelled alien who called himself Macbeth, for three weeks. He’d learned a lot in that time, all at the alien’s insistence.

They had just completed another short history lesson.

“Ugh, listen, I appreciate your help, but I don’t really – I mean, that noise, that ghastly whine, I’d just rather not,” said Joe.

“These are the customs of your people!” Macbeth replied, his pincers working the ship’s controls. The giant egg’s engines began to throb as the Sagan drive prepared for more heavy lifting. “When you left Earth, space onboard was very limited – what you had in this crates’ libraries is nothing more than a thumbnail of what your civilization got up to before it was wiped out.”

Joe didn’t look convinced.

“Look,” Macbeth continued, “history is defined by the relics left by the civilization that created them. You need to understand what your people were doing – it takes a while, sure, but that’s sort of the nature of history.”

Macbeth hummed to himself over his own joke, a habit that bothered Joe, as he rarely understood what the gag was about.

“Fine,” Monk replied. Changing the subject was a trick recent to his repertoire, a trick he decided to employ. “What are you doing now?”

“Surfing,” replied Macbeth. “All of these things are moving in waves, and to catch what we need, we need to ride those waves. We speed the ship up – in this case we have to travel, uh, call it left, for seven light days – to get ahead of the waves moving through the ether, then we slow down a bit and let everything wash right over us. Well, it’s not quite that simple, really. The modifications I made to this heap are doing most of the work, but those are the basics.”

Joe lay down on his couch, preparing for the acceleration.

Not for the first time, he wished that the ship had picked a lush garden planet full of Betty Grable look-alikes to make its first landing on, instead of the toad-filled dust ball on which he’d found his companion-turned-tutor.

“Have you heard the story about the girl who eats the bad apple and meets seven short guys?” Macbeth asked, as he hobbled about – his stouter constitution allowed him free movement, even under the increased wear and tear of extreme g-forces.

Joe pretended to be asleep, indicating such with a comically-loud fake snore.

It was another something new he’d recently learned.

* * *

Hours later, they slowed, deploying software and sensor suites to suck up, filter, and reconstruct the useful bits of local radiation.

Macbeth shook Joe out of an actual nap.

“Time for another history lesson, kid.”

Monk stood, rubbing his eyes with his palms.

He could smell food in the air – Macbeth often enjoyed a snack during lesson time.

The pair took up their usual stations, and the viewing screen before them displayed the content the ship had siphoned from the deep black.

The familiar face of the screeching woman took up the entire monitor.

“Oh,” Macbeth hummed delightedly, “I’ve seen this one! Lucy goes to work at a factory, and…”

With a nod, Joe deployed another recently acquired skill: pretending to listen.

Flash Pulp is presented by http://skinner.fm. The audio and text formats of Flash Pulp are released under the Canadian Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 2.5 License.

Like Clockwork

The TerminatorWill there ever come a day when we have enough robotic implants that we’ll be able to complete simple tasks while still asleep? Will my mechanical enhancements one day allow me to ensure the kids’ lunches are made, the dusting done, and the house tidied, all while I’m getting a decent night’s rest?

Will there come a time when I’m rocked to sleep by the gentle motion of my wandering titanium skeleton?

Flash Pulp 065 – The Weebinax: A Mother Gran Story, Part 1 of 1

Flash PulpWelcome to Flash Pulp, Episode Sixty-Five.

Tonight, we present The Weebinax: A Mother Gran Story, Part 1 of 1

[audio:http://traffic.libsyn.com/skinner/FlashPulp065.mp3]

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This week’s episodes are brought to you by the Flash Pulp page on Facebook.

It’s sort of like Eat Pray Love, but with more Flash Pulp news, and less Eating or Praying.

To join, click here.

Flash Pulp is an experiment in broadcasting fresh pulp stories in the modern age – three to ten minutes of fiction brought to you Monday, Wednesday and Friday evenings.

Tonight we pre-empt our scheduled Thomas Blackhall story to instead present a short fairy tale, as told by Mother Gran.

This Friday’s episode brings us the return of Joe Monk, and Blackhall will appear next week in a three-part serial entitled “Koyle’s Ferry”.

Flash Pulp 065 – The Weebinax: A Mother Gran Story, Part 1 of 1

Written by J.R.D. Skinner
Art and Narration by Opopanax
and Audio produced by Jessica May

One crisp evening, as the fallen leaves smothered the last of the summer grasses, Mother Gran gathered her children’s children, and her children’s children’s children, about the warmth of the cast iron stove.

As the eldest of the spectators shushed the youngest, Gran, with a sly smile, stated the yarn to be truth.

Her quiet words brought silence, and she began her fairytale.

This is the story she told.

* * *

At the edge of The Great Forest lived a farmer, his wife, and their child, a boy of five.

They lived a happy life together: each morning the lad would tell an imagined tale of a far off land, to bring a smile to his parents’ faces; each afternoon his mother would teach the mountainous farm hound a new trick to delight her family; and each evening the tired farmer would whistle a tune as he created a feast from the yield of his labours.

One autumn day, as the farmer prodded his bull on through the field, there came a figure from the tall oaks of the wildwood.

The farmer had a moment of concern, as many unpleasant things were known to live amongst the branches of The Great Forest, but as the shape moved from the shadows of the trees, he saw it to be the form of a running woman, a child in her arms.

At the sight of her anxious brow, he quickly invited the tired mother to his table, and returned his bull to its pen.

As the farmer whistled his tune and set about creating a feast, this time for two more, his wife talked at length with the visitor, and her daughter, a girl of five.

The guest spoke of a beast in the woods, the Weebinax, who had approached her many years previous, as she worked the fields of her parents’ farm. The creature had appeared in the guise of a man, whispering promises of a happy life amongst the oaks. She’d known little of the dangers beyond her parents’ land, and she soon found herself seduced by the sugared words of the Weebinax.

It was not long after she’d run away to the forest that she bore the beast, whom she still believed a man, a child.

Soon after, the thing no longer made effort to maintain its disguise: its barbed claws split its sheath of skin, its gnarled legs burst from fleshy foot. In a few short days it had cast off its covering entirely, leaving but an empty husk of skin amongst the fallen leaves.

Still, the woman, bound by a sense of duty impressed upon her by her parents, attempted to make do. She spent her days foraging for nourishing acorns, and thick mosses to set in her babe’s rough cradle – but often her labours were met by the clutching hand of the Weebinax, which was happier to fill its own belly while resting on its lush mat of green.

In the second year of her child’s life, with winter nigh and the results of whatever efforts she might make under the wrathful eye of the Weebinax self-evident, she announced her intention to depart.

Popping an acorn into its mouth, the beast waved away her statements and nestled deeper amongst its bedding.

Taking up her daughter, she left and, for three years, wandered the forest. It was not an easy life for mother, nor child, but what nourishment she might collect was her own, and the little girl at her side soon grew bright and strong.

She was a normal child in all aspects but one. What little blood of the Weebinax flowed through her, allowed the beast to locate the child no matter what the distance, as if she were a beacon upon the horizon.

For the most part, it had little interest in the woman and her daughter, but, twice or thrice a year, he would appear before them, making no effort in disguise, and demand that the woman return to his side, to which she always refused.

It was a recent such appearance that had set her running from the forest, and onto the homestead of the farmer and his wife.

At the woman’s recounting, the farmer’s wife quickly offered up a bed and a place by the fire. It was little time before all became as if one family.

Upon the mornings, as the boy-child finished his imagined tales of far-off lands, the girl-child would take up her hems and dance a step of her own devising, based upon the nature of the fabulous characters.

At noon, as the farmer’s wife set about teaching the hound new skills, the woman of the forest would sit at the fire and stitch, so that soon the family was well appointed with garments of her hand.

In the evenings, the farmer still whistled his tune, happy to hear the babble of a full house as he prepared his feast, now almost twice the size.

It was during one such evening meal that the combined family first heard the long scratches of the Weebinax upon their door.

The woman of the forest was first to answer, and the beast made his demands.

Returning to the table, her face was downcast.

“Realizing I will no longer travel with him, he wishes for his daughter to join him amongst the oaks,” she said.

Unwilling to part with the girl, whom she now also considered her own daughter, the farmer’s wife asked if it might accept the meal that was laid before them in her stead.

After a moment of discussion, the beast strode into the house, snatched up the chicken leg that was held, mid-bite, at the boy’s mouth, and collected together the hot food, using the table cloth as a sack.

The family slept on their hunger, content that the Weebinax had been satisfied.

It was with no little concern then that, no more than a season later, the sound of scratching upon the door once again reached their ears as they supped.

This time, it was the farmer who answered. The Weebinax repeated the demand of his daughter, although he could no longer recall her name, and on this occasion he refused the offering of their meal.

With fear for his family wracking his heart, the farmer told his wife, and the woman, of the situation.

“Offer him up our wardrobe,” his wife suggested.

Returning to the door, the farmer did.

Again the Weebinax accepted the offering in stead, striding into the house to empty every trunk and dresser, including those of the children. What it could not make use of, it ran its claws through.

After it had departed, the family warmed themselves with the rags that remained, content that they had once again satisfied the beast and retained the girl.

Life turned another season: the farmer brought home fresh food of the earth; the woman of the forest stitched new clothing; the children devised greater entertainments; and the farmer’s wife taught the lumbering farm dog new skills.

It was spring when the now familiar scratching began again upon the door.

This time it was the farmer’s wife who stood to answer the summons, the eyes of her family heavy at her back.

With a rotting scowl, the Weebinax once again demanded the girl, all the while peeking about the edges of the doorway, in hopes of catching sight of some item he would be pleased to take in exchange.

The wife answered not, but instead whistled low and long.

The hound had been well taught at her hand: the Weebinax’s yowling, as the canine set about chasing him again into the forest, was the last they would hear of the monster of the woods.

Flash Pulp is presented by http://skinner.fm. The audio and text formats of Flash Pulp are released under the Canadian Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 2.5 License.

Executing Justice

Another bit of the CNN front page:

I admittedly don’t know much about the Iranian legal system, but it seems to me that any structure so crude as to depend on stoning as a method of justice probably has some issues. I find it hard to imagine that there is place in such a system for a Clarence Darrow, or even a Johnnie Cochran.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S_DQUAuNUvw]

Anyhow, this reminded me of something I read the other day that I wanted to pass along. It may end up somehow incorporated into a Blackhall tale someday, but, in his book Whiskey and Wickedness, Larry D. Cotton writes:

“The last public execution in Perth occured in May 1851. A convicted murderer named Francis Beare was scheduled to be hung, but a serious problem arose – the authorities could not find a hangman!”

That’s an interesting problem for an area on the cusp of civilizing to have. In the end though, they found a, uh, creative solution.

“The Sheriff contacted the penitentiary in Kingston and made arrangements for a prisoner to be offered a pardon in return for carrying out the task.”

Which reminds me of a Monty Python quote, from the Zulu sketch in The Meaning Of Life: “I mean, at home if you kill someone they arrest ya, eh, but here they give you a gun and show you what to do. I mean, I killed 15 of those buggers, sir. At home they’d hang me; here they’ll give me a ****ing medal.”

So, as was the custom of the time, the day of the execution came and the populace crowded together to watch.

Mr. Cotton continues:

“When the hangman appeared, the crowd jeered at him and shouted threats. The noose was tightened, the trap door sprung and the condemned man hung from the second story of the Court House. The screams of the crowd echoed even louder for the head of the hangman, who “yelled back at them that he’d hang them all for a shilling a dozen.”

Flash Pulp 064 – Mulligan Smith and The Organized Call, Part 1 of 1

Flash PulpWelcome to Flash Pulp, Episode Sixty-Four.

Tonight, we present Mulligan Smith and The Organized Call, Part 1 of 1

[audio:http://traffic.libsyn.com/skinner/FlashPulp064.mp3]

Download MP3
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This week’s episodes are brought to you by the Flash Pulp page on Facebook.

Not at all based on the novel “Push” by Sapphire

To join, click here.

Flash Pulp is an experiment in broadcasting fresh pulp stories in the modern age – three to ten minutes of fiction brought to you Monday, Wednesday and Friday evenings.

Tonight, we find PI Mulligan Smith attempting to connect a difficult phone call.

Flash Pulp 064 – Mulligan Smith and The Organized Call, Part 1 of 1

Written by J.R.D. Skinner
Art and Narration by Opopanax
and Audio produced by Jessica May

The two men sat opposite each other in the little aluminum boat, the waves lending a gentle bob to the tips of their fishing rods.

“Elmore had been the perfect client – he’d paid before I needed to ask him twice, and he always answered his phone when I called. At our first meeting he handed me several pages of typed notes, and a cheque that was a healthy down payment on my expenses. I actually met him in an office, which is a rare treat. He had great taste in furniture.”

The old man nodded as Mulligan paused to pop the last bite of BLT into his mouth.

“I finally found the woman in a suburban neighbourhood on the west-end of the city. I’d followed a trail of well-mannered friends of friends, and by the time I’d gotten an address, it was obvious she hadn’t meant to disappear so thoroughly. Sometimes people just get married.”

“The house was empty as I approached. I knew it was, because I’d just seen her kids pile onto a big yellow bus, and, twenty minutes before that, her husband had kissed her goodbye at the door and revved his white Audi out of the driveway. I’d spent two days watching, just to make sure there weren’t going to be any surprises, but she was always out of the house by 9:00am. That gave me about fifteen minutes, but I’d been told completion would take less than five.”

The PI picked up his rod, gave the reel a gentle turn, accomplishing nothing, and set it down again.

“Really, the catch was the nature of the task. I had a phone number, and I’d been instructed to wait out the length of the call, then depart. I’d been sticky on the point in our contract – more than once I’ve found so-and-so and told them such-and-such, only to find out that the client expects more once so-and-so points out that they can shove their such-and-such.

“It wasn’t a problem with Elmore though. He had brought a black notebook with him, and, as we talked, he both referred to it for notes, and jotted down anything I might say that was worth retaining. Everything was broken down into sharp little lists. As he worked his way through his questions for me, he would set a crisp check-mark beside the item.

“It took me longer to explain who I was than it did to make the actual call. I don’t blame her for being wary about letting people into her house though. In the end, at my suggestion, we made the call outside. We sat side-by-side on the stained wood of her tiny front porch, and she hit send on my cellphone.

“As it rang, I could hear the tinkling of an ice cream man in the distance. I felt bad for the guy – nobody wants to be the ice cream man once school is back in session.”

“He was prompt to answer, as always, and the conversation was short. I could only make out one side of it

“She started with a “”Hi? Elmo?”” She listened for a bit, then interjected something like “”Well, you didn’t seem like…”. By then her forehead was getting tight. After a few seconds though, the tension in her face melted into a smile.

“There was another long listen, then she said something like “”Wow, you know – I’ve thought about you a lot too over these last years, and I appreciate you saying that. I always regretted how things ended.””

“Her smile cracked a minute later, and a tear ran through what little make up she wore. The ice cream man finally rolled by, lonely, and she made an effort to avoid looking at either of us.

““What?” was all she could say.

“There was a last long pause, then she hung up.

“She sobbed for a minute, holding my phone in a way that had me concerned I might need to expense a new one.

“Once she was a bit more in control, she turned to me.

““How much did you know?” she said.”

Mulligan took a sip from his sun-warmed can of coke.

““Uh,” I said back. It was a pretty general question.

“”About the cancer?”

“”Nope.”

“She wasn’t looking at me as we talked, she was focused on the elm tree rooted by the sidewalk.

“”I could practically hear him checking off the last item on one of his damnable lists,” she said, taking a deep breath in an effort to avoid further tears. ”He said your fees have been covered in his will. He also said he left you the wing-back chair you were admiring in his office.”

“I tried calling the number back, but it just rang.”

Flash Pulp is presented by http://skinner.fm. The audio and text formats of Flash Pulp are released under the Canadian Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 2.5 License.

Living On The Edges

I apologize for the lack of posting today – I wish I could discuss what’s been eating up our time lately, but it’s one of those items that’s inappropriate to discuss in a crowd, even semi-anonymously. With any luck, our lives will have returned to semi-normalcy by the end of the week. I can promise Flash Pulp on time tonight, at least.

Meanwhile, I highly encourage you to look into Jessica May’s fantastic new posting, a reworking of one of her previously recorded songs.

Starting Young

Man about town, bmj2k, pointed me at a link to this toy:

A Series Of Cubicles

Furniture features:
* Flat desk area
* Left and Right built-in mouse pads
* Bench seat that fits two children and offers storage inside for supplies
* Two locking cabinet doors
* Computer wiring stores safely inside ventilated cabinet.
* Locking castors keep unit from rolling during use.

As the accompanying Gizmodo article rightly points out, this feels way too much like “Baby’s First Cubicle”.

Oddly, this implication of child labour actually inspired me to round up my own kids and put them to work.

Behold: a dramatic reading as inspired by the original text of “χώρος γραφείου“:

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