Tag: podcast

FPSE15 – The Legend of the Wolfe Family’s Vacation, Part 1 of 1

Welcome to Flash Pulp Special Episode 15.

Flash PulpTonight we present The Legend of the Wolfe Family’s Vacation, part 1 of 1

[audio:http://traffic.libsyn.com/skinner/FlashPulpSE015.mp3]Download MP3
(RSS / iTunes)

 

This week’s episodes are brought to you by the Nutty Bites podcast.

 

Flash Pulp is an experiment in broadcasting fresh pulp stories in the modern age – three to ten minutes of fiction brought to you Monday, Wednesday and Friday evenings.

Tonight, we present a tale of snowy terror and survival, as told from Capital City to the slopes of Aspen.

 

The Legend of the Wolfe Family’s Vacation

Written by J.R.D. Skinner
Art and Narration by Opopanax
and Audio produced by Jessica May

 

Urban Legend
For more information on this questionable legend visit the wiki.

 

Flash Pulp is presented by http://skinner.fm, and is released under the Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 3.0 Unported License.

Freesound.org credits:

  • Little fire by Glaneur de sons
  • Text and audio commentaries can be sent to comments@flashpulp.com – but be aware that it may appear in the FlashCast.

    – and thanks to you, for reading. If you enjoyed the story, tell your friends.

    FP308 – The Big Bad Wolf, Part 1 of 1

    Welcome to Flash Pulp, episode three hundred and eight.

    Flash PulpTonight we present The Big Bad Wolf, Part 1 of 1

    [audio:http://traffic.libsyn.com/skinner/FlashPulp308.mp3]Download MP3
    (RSS / iTunes)

     

    This week’s episodes are brought to you by the Nutty Bites podcast.

     

    Flash Pulp is an experiment in broadcasting fresh pulp stories in the modern age – three to ten minutes of fiction brought to you Monday, Wednesday and Friday evenings.

    Tonight, we present a tale of suburban anxiety dressed in sheep’s clothing. Consider it a lesson in presumption, revenge, and carnage.

     

    The Big Bad Wolf

    Written by J.R.D. Skinner
    Art and Narration by Opopanax
    and Audio produced by Jessica May

     

    Horace Hastings watched the trio of twelve-year-olds march along the sidewalk below the window of his second-floor bedroom.

    He thought of his often trampled lawn, of the constant fence-jumping to retrieve rogue balls, of his strong suspicion that they’d once emptied his unlocked BMW of change.

    He frowned.

    “Three little pigs,” he said, “each slightly larger than the other.”

    No reaction came from his wife, Agatha – he’d forgotten she’d already left for work.

    Horace’s gaze tracked the baseball bats in the children’s hands, and his grimace deepened.

    He was late for a meeting, however, and finishing his tie’s half-Windsor knot soon required his full attention.

    * * *

    On Friday afternoon, two days later, Hastings was staring at the expanse of ravine that made up his backyard’s rear boundary. Generally it was too overgrown to tramp through, and was thus left for the likes of the trio of swine, but, today, he’d pulled on an old pair of rarely-worn jeans in preparation for an expedition into the brush.

    Miss Marple was missing and he’d be damned if he’d sit through an evening of listening to Agatha complain about the disappearance of her beloved cat.

    The tabby was largely an indoor animal, but she occasionally liked to range the yard for birds and sunshine. Though Horace often ignored his wife’s advice of keeping a close eye as the creature prowled, this was the first time she’d disappeared from the fenced space. There was just one direction she was likely to have went.

    He fell twice in his descent, but, once at the bottom of the broad gulch, he realized a faint path wound between the scrub and cedars. Wiping dirt and dead leaves from his knees, the suburbanite hunter began to follow the trail of broken grass while shouting after his feline. He suspected it was a fruitless undertaking, as the beast had never come in his decade of attempts to summon her, but he hoped she might at least raise a frightened mewl at the familiar sound of his irritated voice.

    What he found instead was a fort of questionable construction.

    A motley collection of lumber and corrugated metal had been assembled into a crude shelter. Its interior had been decorated with well-handled pictures of nude women, clearly ripped from the pages of low-grade porn mags, and the planks that formed the structure’s squat roof bristled with reasons to require a tetanus shot.

    Mildly surprised that their sow-ish mothers had allowed them to range so far, Horace thought, “look at the shabby house those pigs have built.”

    Sitting atop the nail-filled platform was Miss Marple. She was licking at a long-empty tin of salmon and purring contentedly.

    “It’s time to go,” announced her supposed savior.

    The cat couldn’t be bothered to spare him a glance.

    “Ingrate,” said her owner. “I hope you cut your tongue open.”

    The empty can only grew emptier.

    Annoyed at the slight, the obviousness of the boys’ plot to lure away his cat, his dirty jeans, and the wasted half-hour, the reluctant rescuer kicked apart the nearest poorly constructed wall, sending a bevy of topless beauties into the mud. The violence was enough to turn Miss Marple into a gray streak heading for the safety of home.

    Grunting in satisfaction at the results of his demolition, Horace followed.

    * * *

    The Hastings spent their Saturday morning at a flea market, but after being sure they’d thoroughly locked in their four-legged ward.

    It was unexpected, then, when they returned to discover a route of escape had been forcefully created, even though Miss Marple had been too content in her position on the couch to use it.

    As Agatha moved to collect a dustpan, Horace stood and cursed at the window as if his angry words might somehow reverse the flight of the rock that had shattered it.

    By the end of his tirade, he knew who to blame – and how to exact his revenge.

    The second trip into the gully was greased by his rage, and within moments he’d laid eyes on the freshly mended shanty.

    He was huffing and puffing by the time he’d torn the shack down. No busty lady remained whole, no board held tight to another, and even the patches of metal sheeting had been bent beyond repair by a thick length of angrily-swung tree branch.

    Returning home, Hastings discovered his wife had already made the necessary calls to replace the damaged pane, leaving him free to eagerly watch for the boar-ish triplets descent and subsequent discovery of their destroyed camp. They did not pass, however, and eventually thoughts of lurking behind a curtain with the portable phone in his hand, ready to call law enforcement as he caught the miscreants in another act of hooliganism, lulled the fatigued Horace into sleep.

    He was awoken by Miss Marple, scratching at his face in panic.

    Despite the pain, it was not his bleeding nose that he first took notice of – it was the smell of smoke.

    The warning provided a narrow escape from the blaze that the Hastings’ house had become.

    As the homeless couple, and their cat, stood shivering on the pavement awaiting rescue, a gaunt faced man appeared. His hair was wild and long, matching his unkempt beard. He began to bay and cackle at their dismay.

    “Be it ever so humble,” he crooned, before letting out another howl.

    None of Horace’s ensuing language was strong enough to drive him away. It was only once the sound of approaching sirens overcame the snap and sizzle of timber that the rousted vagrant, having completed his act of retribution for the loss of his haven, disappeared into the shadows that danced beyond the quivering flame.

     

    Flash Pulp is presented by http://skinner.fm, and is released under the Canadian Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 2.5 License.

    Freesound.org credits:

    Text and audio commentaries can be sent to comments@flashpulp.com – but be aware that it may appear in the FlashCast.

    – and thanks to you, for reading. If you enjoyed the story, tell your friends.

    FC78 – Chewing Invisible Meat

    FC78 - Chewing Invisible Meat
    [audio:http://traffic.libsyn.com/skinner/FlashCast078.mp3](Download/iTunes/RSS)

    Hello, and welcome to FlashCast 78.

    Prepare yourself for: Mini Kiss, respecting the ’70s, human library books, peanut butter gore, Frankenberries, and Mulligan Smith.

    * * *

    Huge thanks to:

    * * *

    FP307 – Mulligan Smith in The Patient, Part 1 of 1

    Welcome to Flash Pulp, episode three hundred and seven.

    Flash PulpTonight we present Mulligan Smith in The Patient, Part 1 of 1

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    (RSS / iTunes)

     

    This week’s episodes are brought to you by the Nutty Bites podcast.

     

    Flash Pulp is an experiment in broadcasting fresh pulp stories in the modern age – three to ten minutes of fiction brought to you Monday, Wednesday and Friday evenings.

    Tonight, our private investigator, Mulligan Smith, is confronted by raised voices, and fists, while loitering in a nursing home.

     

    Mulligan Smith in The Patient

    Written by J.R.D. Skinner
    Art and Narration by Opopanax
    and Audio produced by Jessica May

     

    The first, the cousin, came at lunch, six hours into Mulligan’s vigil.

    He was unexpected, but Smith simply assumed that he wasn’t the only one with a friend at the front desk, and that a nurse coming onto shift had called in the tip-off.

    Mulligan SmithThe PI’s back ached – he’d been sitting, unmoving, in the uncomfortable green chair since his arrival – and any good mood he might’ve begun the undertaking with was lost somewhere in the fourth still hour.

    The building was too cold, especially given the adjustable hospital bed’s frail occupant. The old woman, her gaze locked on the ceiling, weighed no more than a hundred pounds, and that, the detective reflected, was with the generous inclusion of the single thin sheet she’d been assigned.

    Mulligan had wrangled some extra bedding from Bubba, the friendly nurse, but he’d also made a note to tack the cost of a thick blanket onto his expenses – he knew his client wouldn’t mind.

    Despite the act of kindness, the cousin’s lips had curled back from his stout face, and his perfect teeth were bared.

    After receiving no reaction, the newcomer forced a conclusion through his locked jaw.

    “You don’t belong in here,” he said.

    “Well, frankly,” answered Smith, “no one belongs in here.”

    “I mean in this room specifically, smartass.”

    “Huh.”

    The silence that had been threatening to lull Mulligan into a nap again descended. He considered pulling up his sweater’s hood as a final act of dismissal, but decided that causing further trouble would only be a hinderance.

    Besides, the annoyance was already easy enough to read on the cousin’s face.

    The stranger took a step over the threshold, and the PI perked a brow. The interest was for naught, however, as the man turned back to the hall, clearly determined to find security, or at least a strong-voiced caretaker, to turn Smith out.

    Mulligan knew he wouldn’t find anyone willing to do it.

    He continued to sit, his phone in hand and his spine at an awkward angle.

    * * *

    The next to arrive was the daughter.

    He knew she was coming well before setting eyes on her: The gurgled weeping that had echoed along the cream linoleum and yellowing dropped ceiling had announced her entrance as thoroughly as any trumpet.

    Once her wailing had fully entered the small chamber, she asked, “why are you bothering my mother?”

    The daughter was sharp-chinned, and her fingernails were encrusted in bejeweled polish in such a way as is only maintainable by the dedicated and those who never use their hands for anything more difficult than lifting a glass of Pinot.

    She did not strike Mulligan as particularly dedicated.

    With a sigh, Smith replied, “I’m not bothering her, but, to answer your actual question – why am I here – I’m being paid to be.”

    “Did Dad send you? I want nothing to do with him, and neither does she.”

    “Nope.”

    “Why are you doing this to us? To me? Don’t you think it’s hard enough to watch the most important person in your life slip away like this?”

    Each question was accompanied by a wavering sob, and the full phrasing was punctuated by stuttered series of gasping inhalations.

    Mulligan cleared his throat. “I think you mean the richest person in your life – do you find it cold in here?”

    “What?”

    “You know, chilly. Frosty.”

    “I guess?” asked the newest intruder.

    Smith’s shoulders rose and fell.

    “Seems like a lady who worked that hard is entitled to some warmth,” he said, then he returned to staring at the corner across the room from his unyielding armchair.

    “Oh, yes, yes, she deserves so much better,” came the answer. “She had so much left to teach me, there are so many places we should have had the chance to go to together.”

    “So why don’t you use some of that bank account she’s dying on top of to move her out of this dump? I happen to know there’s a decent place less than three blocks from your house, Amanda. You made good time getting here though.”

    Daughter Amanda’s voice changed gears into half-whispered accusation. “Who’s paying you? Why?”

    Her cheeks were suddenly dry.

    “Elnora Solomon, MD,” replied Mulligan, though he didn’t bother to shift his view.

    “The doctor who diagnosed Mother? We haven’t seen her in two years! What could she possibly want?”

    Smith offered up a second shrug, and the drone of the home’s occupants shuffling outside the door became the only noise.

    When it was obvious Mulligan was content to simply sit in silence, Amanda announced that she was calling the police, then she departed.

    With a roll of her eyes, the long-inert mother shouted “seventy-two,” then returned to silence.

    * * *

    Three hours later, the son appeared.

    His collar was loose, his jacket low on his neck, and his breath was sharp with the stink of hops.

    “Hello, Allen,” Smith said as welcome.

    Allen’s reputation was shaky at best amongst the patrons of the sports bar he frequented, and Mulligan knew to expect raised fists.

    The tall man did not disappoint.

    “You’re going to start a fight in a nursing home? In front of your mother?” asked Mulligan. “Listen, I’m guessing you just got off work, so you stopped by some place on the way and had a bit out of the tap to help straighten your back before kicking my ass, right? You start a punch-up, though, and the cops will come. They’ll smell the Miller time, and I’ll tell them whatever I damn well please, because they’ll believe my word over a drunk’s.”

    It was enough to bring Allen’s approach to a stop, but it did not stall his fury.

    “What kind of shit is Dad pulling? Is he making a play for my share of the will? What’s his angle? Whatever it is, how can he be thinking about money at a time like this?

    “Hell, you can go back to him and tell him he won’t be getting crap all more. I’ve got lawyers on it.”

    “Lawyers? Sounds like you’ve been thinking about money at a time like this,” replied Mulligan.

    “Six thousand, four hundred and ninety-six,” gasped the bedridden woman.

    Smith nodded.

    “When Doctor Solomon moved,” he said, “you sure were quick to get Ma into low-rent old folk storage. I understand that it only took you two doctors to come up with a declaration that she was nothing but a husk waiting for death, which must have eased your conscience a bit.

    “Thing is, Parkinsons takes a long time to kill a person, and it doesn’t do it in a terribly fun way.

    “I was in here yesterday, talking to the nurses, and a big guy named Bubba tells me he sometimes thinks she’s more with-it than she appears, because he’s seen her say things that seem related to what’s going on around her, only way after the events have happened.

    “That got me thinking. This morning I came in early – I knew I might need a lot of time – and I asked her what her name was.

    “Took her thirty-six minutes to reply, and then I realized that I’d forgotten to turn on my phone’s recording app.

    “I apologized and asked if she could repeat it. Forty-two minutes later she said, ‘it’s ok, I’m Deb.'”

    Allen looked to his mother, then back to Smith.

    With his fists tight, he asked, “what are you getting at?”

    “I was hired because the Doc felt your mother’s descent was too quick. Maybe you’re a bad son, and maybe you shopped around for the shortest route between here and her tombstone for the money – I couldn’t tell from how far I’d poked around.

    “What I did unexpectedly discover, however, is that she’s still in there, she just can’t get it out. She knows her name, age, the current president, and she just answered a math question I had to use a calculator to verify.

    “I’m no doctor, but it seems I’ve made something of a breakthrough in her treatment. I’m no lawyer, either, but I suspect today proves she’s cognizant enough to make her own decisions on what to do with her money – be that her will, or getting transferred out of here, or having the stream of high-powered drugs she’s being fed re-examined.

    “I was just trying to prove a theory, but you and your family really provided the icing – all that weeping and threatening and lawyer talk isn’t going to play well with a judge, I suspect.

    “It’d play even worse if anything happened to your beloved matriarch between now and her day in court.”

    Smith stood. His legs were stiff but he forced himself towards the door, saying, “hey Bubba!”

    Before Allen realized there was no one in the hall beyond, and that he truly did want to hit the hoodie-wearing man, the detective was gone.

    Twenty-seven minutes later, the mother said, “finally.”

     

    Flash Pulp is presented by http://skinner.fm, and is released under the Canadian Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 2.5 License.

    Freesound.org credits:

    Text and audio commentaries can be sent to comments@flashpulp.com – but be aware that it may appear in the FlashCast.

    – and thanks to you, for reading. If you enjoyed the story, tell your friends.

    FP306 – Mulligan Smith in Customs and Customers, Part 1 of 1

    Welcome to Flash Pulp, episode three hundred and six.

    Flash PulpTonight we present Mulligan Smith in Customs and Customers, Part 1 of 1

    [audio:http://traffic.libsyn.com/skinner/FlashPulp306.mp3]Download MP3
    (RSS / iTunes)

     

    This week’s episodes are brought to you by the The Hollywood Outsider.

     

    Flash Pulp is an experiment in broadcasting fresh pulp stories in the modern age – three to ten minutes of fiction brought to you Monday, Wednesday and Friday evenings.

    Tonight, Mulligan Smith, PI, discusses an odd series of incidents in a local Walmart.

     

    Mulligan Smith in Customs and Customers

    Written by J.R.D. Skinner
    Art and Narration by Opopanax
    and Audio produced by Jessica May

     

    Walmart Mike was saying, “oh yeah, I knew a matchbook pro, back in the day. Burned down an entire fried chicken chain in the early ‘60s. Truth is, without the Internet, people talked to each other less back then, especially insurance companies. Sorry, what? Oh, yeah, I guess we got those, you’d have to check with electronics. Have a nice day.”

    Mulligan knew it had been a long day for Mike. The news had run through the old man network that loitered on mall benches and in McDonald’s booths, and eventually reached the PI’s father, who’d then passed it on to his son.

    Even now, hours after the incident, the ex-con’s face was unusually drawn. He perked up, however, at the sight of Smith lingering in the parking lot.

    MulliganPeeling off his smock – an action Mulligan knew he referred to as “going undercover” – Mike threw a hand-sign to his manager that obviously meant “I’m taking a minute,” then strolled past the line of tchotchke-ball-dispensing change collectors and through the automatic doors.

    “You wouldn’t believe what a dog crap and Huckleberry hash this morning turned out to be,” he said as a hello.

    Smith shot him a questioning look, as if he hadn’t already heard the tale.

    The ability to sincerely raise an eyebrow was, Mulligan felt, an essential tool of the business.

    “Look, I’m as much of a feminist as the next guy, but this morning was a test of my well-heeled social inclinations, you know what I’m fuckin’ sayin’?”

    Unwilling to interrupt, Smith simply shrugged.

    The aging greeter continued his tale.

    “Bunch of goddamn college freshman came in here, well, three of ‘em, and they’re recording video on their phones, like it’s the fucking zoo. Assholes were all dressed like they’d found their clothes at a Sally Ann, but they all think they’re Jeff Goldblum wandering into Jurassic Park.

    “Things were busy though – every Saturday is a rocket full of chickens, really – and I didn’t have time to go yakkin’ to the higher-ups over something like tourists. That is, at least, till an elderly couple with maybe ten teeth between ‘em went trotting by. He was wound up about some remark that had been made regarding his shoes, which I found kinda funny considering his dental situation – but we can’t have hassling the customers, and it didn’t take much listening to figure the problem was the trio of donkey fondlers.

    “I wander away from my post for a while, figuring I’ll go have a look and see what kind of words you need to use to scare the shit out of a trust-fund kid, and I find them, still recording, in the infant section.

    “Now, there’s this lady, she’s got five runts, no ring on her finger, and she looked like she was making it work on less than I do alone. Not that every woman was a quiet domestic when I was a brat, but – well, things are different now. You’d never see a lady like that then. I mean, she wasn’t likely to shame Liz Taylor, but she carried herself like she was worth more than the sweat pants she was wearing.

    “She didn’t look like she’d come up in the best of places, but you could tell she’d learned something of fear and courage and when not to take shit.

    “Now, you see, the second youngest had started playing to the slumming cameras, ducking behind a rack of baby carriers and peeking at them, and, all the while, the clueless rich kids were keeping an educational wildlife film commentary going, talking like the kid was a rare baboon.

    “Nothing clever, either. Stuff about how they could smell his shit downwind, how the baby in the stroller might be his, that sort of thing.

    “If it were ‘76, I’da probably broke one of their knees, let the other two go through the trouble of having to drag him off and explain what happened – but, hell, if it were ‘96, I’da probably walked away without saying anything, so what does time count?”

    Mike took a moment to clear his throat and wet the pavement.

    “Mama caught onto the irony and wasn’t pleased. She considered the situation, weighed her surroundings, and said, ‘you talk to my lil ’uns like that again and you’ll be leavin’ a bunch of harem guards.’

    “I don’t even think they know what she meant, they just started in on the laziest sort of name calling, you know, ‘white trash welfare queen.’ Honestly, that part hasn’t changed that much since I was young.

    “Anyhow, as I mentioned, I’m as big a feminist as the next guy. I know she could’ve handled it herself, clearly bein’ a modern women and all, but goddamn, sometimes a guy’s just gotta get a bit chivalrous.

    “I turn to the pillar beside me and grab the intercom phone. ‘Security,’I say, ‘we have three pedophiles in the kids section.’ The tourists realize I’m starin’ right at ‘em as I’m talking, and they start running for the doors. They’ve got their phones out, panic on their face – hell, they looked guilty enough to hang.

    “At that point there’s this cowboy in jeans and leather boots who’s coming down the aisle from electronics. He looks at me, looks at them, and, putting two-and two together, figures he’s going to play TJ Hooker. He knocked over a rack of discount t-shirts doin’ it, but he managed to grab the slowest.

    “We ain’t supposed to touch customers, for legal reasons, but we can’t stop them from tackling each other.

    “The guy in front turns back, thinking maybe he’ll help his friend, and even that second of hesitation is enough that they were swarmed by managers, maintenance guys, and the loss prevention team.

    “Eventually they went home, but not without doing a bit of sad sack crying in front of some uniforms. For my part, I said I must have misunderstood the situation and played dumb, just like every other time I talk to someone toting a badge.

    “Before that though, you know what happens? I’m standing next to the mom – Bonnie – and we’re watching the guy in his vintage band shirt rolling around with crime-fightin’ Garth Brooks. I’m busy cooking up all the lies I’ll need to tell so as not to lose my job, and she turns around to ask me what I’m doing Saturday. Says her sister owes her a favour, and she makes a mean chicken pot pie, if I’d like to come over.

    “She didn’t say it like she was extending a Sunday dinner invite to her grandpa neither.

    “Well, she’s younger than me by twenty-five years, but, hell, I dunno – she IS a modern woman.”

     

    Flash Pulp is presented by http://skinner.fm, and is released under the Canadian Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 2.5 License.

    Freesound.org credits:

    Text and audio commentaries can be sent to comments@flashpulp.com – but be aware that it may appear in the FlashCast.

    – and thanks to you, for reading. If you enjoyed the story, tell your friends.

    FP305 – Machined: a Collective Detective Chronicle, Part 1 of 1

    Welcome to Flash Pulp, episode three hundred and five.

    Flash PulpTonight we present Machined: a Collective Detective Chronicle, Part 1 of 1

    [audio:http://traffic.libsyn.com/skinner/FlashPulp305.mp3]Download MP3
    (RSS / iTunes)

     

    This week’s episodes are brought to you by the The Hollywood Outsider.

     

    Flash Pulp is an experiment in broadcasting fresh pulp stories in the modern age – three to ten minutes of fiction brought to you Monday, Wednesday and Friday evenings.

    Tonight we present a tale of digital detection and online exposure, of death, defeats, and endings.

     

    Machined: a Collective Detective Chronicle

    Written by J.R.D. Skinner
    Art and Narration by Opopanax
    and Audio produced by Jessica May

     

    As she stepped forward, GoJo was feeling as if the auditorium had doubled in size since she’d shuffled through the backstage area.

    She wasn’t used to wearing anything heavier than a t-shirt, and the suit jacket her mom had talked her into had brought on a sweat well before she was roasting beneath the theater lights.

    Without thinking she put on the same fake smile she carried through family gatherings, but, when the familiar first slide flickered into view, the grin edged on genuine.

    Skinner Co.“Hello,” she said, “my name is Josette Yates. I flew here from Michigan, but, like the rest of you, I’ve really come from the internet.”

    Her delivery caught a few smirks, but the audience was generally silent.

    ”I’m part of The Collective Detective – do I have any fellow Editors out there? Any contributors?”

    That raised some clapping, and a rear-row response that was garbled by the time it reached the stage.

    She moved on, hoping it was something positive.

    “Well, for those who aren’t so familiar: We’re researchers who use the mistakenly released archive of Internet traffic from the Bush-era tapping to look into unsolved crimes. We deal mainly in homicides, but there’s a small group of us who experiment in our spare time with looking for fraud.

    “A hobby in our hobby, if you will.

    “Sometimes we find things the police missed; sometimes we get lucky; most often, though, we come up empty handed.

    The slides, which had gone from the proper spelling of her name to a vague structural chart of the organization, now stopped on a puffy-faced man. He might have been mistaken for a younger, plumper, Nicolas Cage.

    “Do you know this guy?” she asked the crowd.

    Several answers were shouted back, and she assumed one was correct.

    “That’s right,” she continued, “it’s tech wonder Byron Newman – you may be familiar with his prolific social media updates, his savvy venture capital investments, his extensive complaints about poor design, or his surprisingly encouraging private correspondence – but, do you know THIS guy?”

    Another puffy-faced man, bearded and mistakable as only perhaps a vagrant.

    “This poor fella is Norris Barker, and at the time of the photo, he was caught up in a con game. Now, as I said, fraud isn’t really what the Collective focuses on. Murder is our business.

    “Still, there are a few of us who like to dig through the archives with pattern matching software, just to see what we might stumble across. You’d be surprised how many former Nigerian ministers live in the US.

    “In 2007, Norris was in love. He’d met a woman online, Sherry, who he spent hours exchanging emails, texts, tweets, and private moments with daily. She was a married woman, but her husband was a horrible sort. He was a systems administrator for the DMV, and always ready to leap to the keys to sooth her.”

    The projected image shifted and a young Byron Newman filled the screen.

    “Before I can explain 2007, though, I first have to go back to 1999. Our guru was three years out of university and full of ideas. Better yet, he’d managed to position himself on top of a mountain of cash, and was working with Big Thoughts Inc. in a converted Victorian house in San Francisco.

    “He’d coaxed his small team into writing millions of lines of code, and he was well on his way to living his legendary no-sleep lifestyle.

    “Six months later, though, the funding was gone – just as it was for every pie-in-the-sky project of the time.

    “They did their best to license their technology to stay afloat. They’d built an advanced linguistics program, and they tried to cram it into being an automatic help agent for websites. You know, a box pops up with: ‘Hi, I’m Maria, how may I help you?’

    ”It would have been an easy task for the completed program, but the system hadn’t been designed to be dumbed down.

    “They were all fired before it was finished.”

    The presentation faded to a screenshot of the Wall Street Journal’s website pronouncing Big Think dead.

    After allowing a beat to build dramatic tension, GoJo continued.

    “Byron didn’t stop though. He saved a hard drive from the inevitable liquidation sale and brought it home, then started a race with his severance package.

    “You can see his time disappear like a shadow in the logs. His porn browsing goes down, he stops searching for any sort of game walkthroughs, he even drops out of most of his forums, where he’d built up a reputation as something of a forward-thinking tech pundit.

    “Two years later, with his benefits long gone and most of the things he owned sold, he’d covered a lot of distance. The problem, of course, is that at that point he also desperately needed more money.

    “He’d been testing his work by launching instances and sending them into chatrooms. His early attempts weren’t terribly successful, but, by the time he was broke, he was consistently able to fool most reality TV fans. His program was not only capable of passing the Turing test, it had developed relationships and was continuing conversations based on snippets it was grabbing from news sites and other forums.

    “Given his shut-in status, his application soon had more friends than he did. Byron had no one else to ask for money, but his code did. He started skewing his work towards grifting.

    “This was no identity theft or one time Facebook con. He didn’t want a few hundred at a time, he needed thousands, perhaps millions, to properly complete his work.

    “I came in not long after.”

    A younger Josette appeared above the stage, though she wore the same fake smile. She was standing in front of a dilapidated country estate.

    “Well, sort of. That’s actually me from just a year ago, after six months of investigating. You may notice that I look kind of spooked – that house felt haunted to me, even though I don’t believe in such a thing.

    “See, when Newman started using his chat app to talk lonely folks on the internet into sending along money, traffic from his place suddenly increased ten fold. It’s a solid bit of coding, and most of the text it spits out is pretty original, but there was so much of it that duplication was inevitable, especially since most of the ploys were set up by Byron himself, and just the details changed from person to person.

    “Tony’s ex-wife is a horrible woman and he needs money to feed himself because she took it all in alimony. Tammy’s a single mom with a naughty imagination and her kids need shoes. Martin’s Ma will be kicked from the home if he can’t pull together the monthly bill.

    “That sort of thing.

    “This is all from 2002 to 2007, but only uncovered eighteen months ago. We were hunting Nigerian ministers and came across two hundred and seventy-six battered Sherry-alikes. It seemed like a mass copy-and-replace job until we realized how much traffic he was pushing around.

    “There was a hiccup in 2005, when Byron moved to the country, but it was easy enough to find him at his new nest – he was using twice as much bandwidth.”

    The view flipped to an overhead satellite image of the sprawling grounds.

    “In a case of literalism, Newman built a server farm on his farm and kept working. It’s hard to say how much of his time was invested in advancing his original idea, and how much was focused on squeezing cash from people, but the money continued to pour in. He did it in small bites, small enough that the bilked wouldn’t make a fuss, or even know they were anything but a good samaritan, but, in the end, Byron was maybe best described as a linguist and not a security guy.”

    The image switched back to Norris Barker’s vagabond face.

    “Barker, on the other hand, was. He was also, as I mentioned, in love. He probably thought he was confronting a vicious husband when he bought that gun – or perhaps he’d figured it all out. He posted nothing online that might give us a hint. It certainly must have seemed odd, though, that she’d gone through so much trouble to hide the source of her messages. Maybe he thought it was the brute’s work.

    “The last thing he said to Sherry was in an email that read only, ‘I’m coming.’

    “We know Byron Newman died August 25th, 2007, because Norris immediately punched a confession into his smartphone, explaining to his brother that he was planning to flee the country. That message was sent to a tower within a kilometer of the farm.

    “We haven’t been able to find evidence of him since.

    “What the broken-hearted murderer didn’t know, however, was that Newman had built the perfect alibi for him. Byron had long returned to his role of pervasive online tech guru, tweeting extensively, posting commentaries, and writing blog posts between rounds of spending stolen money.

    “The problem was, he enjoyed the attention, but not the distraction. One day he simply split off a new instance of his program, named it after himself, and set it to keeping the world updated with his wit while he was blowing weekends in Vegas. Like everything he touched, it began to expand. It started handling all of the complex banking necessary to keep his assets hidden; it started paying the bills necessary to keep his lights on and the servers running; it started trolling Craigslist for local yard guys who accepted online payments.

    “Twelve months ago we took our information to some scary guys in government-issued suits, and they promptly thanked us and showed us the door. A month after that, they came back and asked for our help figuring out what all had happened.

    “Fifteen minutes ago, just before I took the stage, what we’ve begun to think of as Lord Byron’s Machine was taken offline.

    The final image of the presentation appeared: A live shot of Newman’s last status update, hanging, twenty-minutes old, at the end of a stream of quick-fire chatter.

    It read, “Can’t wait to see what Josette Yates’ secret TED announcement is.”

    There was no follow up.

    GoJo’s smile was fully real now, though it had taken on a hint of sadness.

    She cleared her throat and said, “thank you for your time.”

     

    Flash Pulp is presented by http://skinner.fm, and is released under the Canadian Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 2.5 License.

    Freesound.org credits:

    Text and audio commentaries can be sent to comments@flashpulp.com – but be aware that it may appear in the FlashCast.

    – and thanks to you, for reading. If you enjoyed the story, tell your friends.

    FP304 – Coffin: Holiday, Part 1 of 1

    Welcome to Flash Pulp, episode three hundred and four.

    Flash PulpTonight we present Coffin: Holiday, Part 1 of 1

    [audio:http://traffic.libsyn.com/skinner/FlashPulp304.mp3]Download MP3
    (RSS / iTunes)

     

    This week’s episodes are brought to you by the The Dexter Cast.

     

    Flash Pulp is an experiment in broadcasting fresh pulp stories in the modern age – three to ten minutes of fiction brought to you Monday, Wednesday and Friday evenings.

    Tonight we present a tale of lingering holiday cheer, seasonal depression, and the occult.

     

    Coffin: Holiday

    Written by J.R.D. Skinner
    Art and Narration by Opopanax
    and Audio produced by Jessica May

     

    “I ####ing hate this movie,” Bunny told Coffin.

    They were standing at the L-shaped counter of their apartment’s small kitchen, he was opening a fresh tray of Oreo’s, she was rubbing orange juice against a glass of Vodka and calling it a screwdriver.

    CoffinIn the living room beyond, Jimmy Stewart was undertaking his yearly debate with a bumbling angel.

    Will, eying the rapidly emptying bottle of spirits, didn’t bother to reply. Instead, he lifted a small plate, and returned to the fat man on the couch.

    As the town of Bedford Falls continued to fall apart in its alternate timeline, Coffin handed across the cookies.

    “Thank you! Such a nice gesture – but, could I perhaps trouble you for a bit of the gal’s potato squeezings as well?”

    It was the third glass the old man had had that evening, but Will gave a nod and circled back.

    By the time he arrived with the topped up drink, however, the friction had returned to the room.

    “Might I inquire as to why you won’t stop staring at me?” the guest was asking Bunny.

    She pulled hard at her glass and squinted. “Why’d you never give me anything?”

    It was enough to distract the bearded cookie eater from Uncle Billy’s stay in the asylum. “I didn’t want to get shot.”

    “Would you actually even die if you caught a bullet?”

    “No, but it isn’t fun,”
    .
    “Doesn’t gun play fall under naughty or nice?”

    “I don’t guess, I observe.”

    Bunny kept staring.

    “Ok,” said the fat man, “you need to understand that I’m just a figurehead. No one actually believes in me anymore. Parents buy presents for their kids, or each other, and single folks would assume a crackhead had broken into their home if I suddenly started dropping Barbies everywhere. I actually tried it, back in the ‘80s, and everything just got thrown out. Better than in the 1880’s, though, then it was all ‘work of the devil,’ and ‘let’s burn it to be safe.’ Sweet sassafras.”

    ”Anyhow, you keep me alive by lying to the little ones, but it’s clear no one really wants some large fellow stalking through their living room in the middle of the night.”

    Coffin handed across the Grey Goose and toed the large sack beside the couch.

    “This thing still always feels pretty full,” he said.

    “Take what you want,” replied the visitor. “If I were to tell the elves the truth, they’d be crushed. Things smell of desperation enough as it is up there, forever slaving against a clock for nothing.

    “Besides, Mrs. Claus would not enjoy a bunch of moping manual labourers getting drunk on nog and hanging around the house.”

    “Whaddya do with it all?” asked Bunny, as Will crawled into the container’s broad opening.

    “I give some to charities with drop-off boxes,” replied the caller, “but, frankly – well, you’ve heard of The Great Pacific Garbage Patch?”

    Above her upturned glass, Bunny’s eyes widened. “Holy ####, Santa’s a ####ing dolphin murderer?”

    The supposedly jolly man sighed. “While I’ll be adding to it before going home, I didn’t start the problem, you people did. While it does happen to be convenient, I take no joy in it.

    “Giving is most of the satisfaction in my existence, but, having been robbed of my purpose, all I have to live for is that last taste of warmth before heading north.”

    Coffin returned then, his arms full of fleece parkas.

    “Would you mind if I took these?” he asked. “I owe favours to some guys down in the Sally Ann soup kitchen line, even if they’d deny it.”

    “At least they’ll see some use,” replied the myth.

    “Oh, hey, ####-a-buck,” said Bunny, jumping from her seat. “We should go now, and you should come. Those wobbly sum#####es’ll think you’re just another fake lookin’ to dish out charity.”

    Kringle grinned, his eyes dampening. “Thank you,” he said.

    Noting the change in his expression, the drunk continued, “Oh, hey, don’t think we’re starting a ####ing tradition or anything, I was just looking for an excuse to turn off that god#### movie.”

    Little did she know how wrong she was.

     

    Flash Pulp is presented by http://skinner.fm, and is released under the Canadian Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 2.5 License.

    Coffin’s theme is Quinn’s Song: A New Man, by Kevin MacLeod of http://incompetech.com/

    Freesound.org credits:

    Text and audio commentaries can be sent to comments@flashpulp.com – but be aware that it may appear in the FlashCast.

    – and thanks to you, for reading. If you enjoyed the story, tell your friends.

    FP303 – Break, Part 1 of 1

    Welcome to Flash Pulp, episode three hundred and three.

    Flash PulpTonight we present Break, Part 1 of 1

    [audio:http://traffic.libsyn.com/skinner/FlashPulp303.mp3]Download MP3
    (RSS / iTunes)

     

    This week’s episodes are brought to you by the The Dexter Cast.

     

    Flash Pulp is an experiment in broadcasting fresh pulp stories in the modern age – three to ten minutes of fiction brought to you Monday, Wednesday and Friday evenings.

    Tonight, in a moment away from the heavier content of recent releases, we meet a suspicious man with a foul temper, his wife, and the house they live in.

     

    Break

    Written by J.R.D. Skinner
    Art and Narration by Opopanax
    and Audio produced by Jessica May

     

    Dominic Savage had never trusted Godfrey, his home’s master control system.

    “I know you’re trying to kill me, you bastard,” Savage was muttering.

    The heat in the artist’s backroom studio had suddenly spiked, mid-brush stroke, and Dominic had been left with no choice but to interface directly with the control panel in the nearby hall.

    “You son of a bitch, work properly!” he shouted at the beige rectangle.

    “What seems to be the trouble, sir?” asked Godfrey.

    “The studio is about to burst into flames!”

    “Studio?”

    “Jesus,” Dominic glanced at the chart Myra had pinned above the panel, seeking the representation of his sanctuary, “I mean bedroom three.”

    “Oh, my apologies. Would you like me to look into it, sir?”

    “No, I just thought it had been too long since we’d chatted.”

    “Sorry, sir?”

    “Yes, look into it.”

    “Apologies, but it might be worth mentioning that you did instruct me specifically to avoid bedroom 3. Yes, I do note that the temperature was seven degrees above house average. You should find it much more comfortable now, however.”

    Upon returning to his brushes, Dominic did. He wasn’t happy about it though.

    * * *

    The fifties-themed dinner in which Myra and Dominic celebrated their twelfth anniversary had drifted as far from its original style as they had. A once pitch-perfect recreation, the place had steadily deteriorated into a greasy spoon that happened to have waitresses in pink uniforms and a jukebox. It had been the site of their first date, however, and they’d made at least a quick visit for every major milestone since.

    Besides, there was no risk of an embarrassing encounter with friends, the place didn’t even have a wine menu.

    It had been Myra’s turn to be reluctant to head into the February chill.

    “Want to split a sundae with me?” Dominic was asking.

    “It’s winter,” replied Myra.

    The artist smiled. “The ice cream is the only thing that hasn’t gotten worse.”

    His wife looked up from her untouched onion rings. “It’s too cold.”

    Dominic raised a brow.”It’s a heated restaurant, you’re going to get into a heated car, then we’re going to return to a heated house.”

    “If you want the god damn ice cream, eat it yourself. I don’t want any.”

    Dominic did, in silence.

    * * *

    The ride home was better, though an intermission at favoured bar had helped grease the wheels.

    “Hey, I’m sorry,” Myra had opened. “This project is killing me. Nelson is constantly on my ass about it, but he doesn’t seem to get that debugging is debugging. I can’t just wave a wand and have everything work, and no one is going to buy a box full of nothing. Two more weeks, tops, and I’ll be so much better. I promise.”

    “Are you still going to be able to make the gallery thing in a week?” asked Dominic as he slid his hand into hers.

    “Of course.”

    “Are you still going to be able to make that whole naked in my bed thing in a half-hour?”

    Myra’s lips finally twitched into a grin. “Of course.”

    In a surprise turn that also happened to mirror their first date, they lost five minutes to needy groping once parked.

    Reason returned, though, once Myra was topless and complaining about the cold. Before her husband might argue, she told him to collect the Pinot from the trunk and meet her inside.

    As she exited, lights came on in the house beyond, and Dominic could just make out the grating coo that Godfrey used when she was about.

    One responsibility lead to another. Knowing that he was unlikely to be in the mood to move the recycling to the curb after going inside, he set the bottle on the wooden step that lead to the interior and hefted the first of the glass-filled blue bins.

    It was as he was returning from depositing the second that the heavy rolling door descended rapidly in front of him, coming so close to an impact that his leading shoe, the right, was briefly pinned beneath the plastic weatherstrip.

    Even as his toes made their escape, the entrance retracted.

    “My apologies, sir,” said Godfrey, “it appears there was an unexpected closing.”

    The open air of the garage lent the digital voice an uncomfortable air of omniscience.

    Dominic paused briefly, then crossed the threshold, moving quickly to manually turn off the lights.

    In moments the incident was forgotten.

    * * *

    Later, lying in a room that was dark beyond the glare of the alarm clock and Godfrey’s blinking red light in the corner, Dominic’s mind came back to the machine running the house.

    What had it made of their performance? They hadn’t flipped the sensors to privacy mode during their frenzy, though sometimes he couldn’t help but doing so. He hated the way the thing talked to his wife, even if it was innocently programmed to do so.

    An unexpected thought came to the near-slumberer: Was the system’s recent erratic behaviour perhaps due to resentment?

    Even at three in the morning ascribing jealousy to a machine seemed a stupid idea, and, with sleep’s rapid approach, his suspicions were soon lost.

    * * *

    Dominic’s work was well known, and well paid for – it had been the source of funding for, amongst other things, Godfrey – but the New York show was set to launch his abstract landscapes and nudes into the realm of legend. It was also launching his blood pressure.

    “I had better tools in kindergarten!” he told no one before snapping his fifteen dollar brush. It was of solid construction, but his anger had had the afternoon to build.

    “Shall I start the hot tub for you, sir?” asked Godfrey.

    The high-end Jacuzzi had been a constant in the painter’s life since the arrival of exhibit-related anxiety.

    “Fine,” Dominic replied. His tone was rough but his mind was already on the open Pinot.

    * * *

    He hadn’t notice how low the room’s temperature had dropped until he stepped outside and there seemed little difference between interior and exterior. With a glass in one hand and the bottle in the other, he hustled to the roiling waters, pausing only long enough to dip a probing foot before taking a seat.

    Knowing Myra would be late arriving home he was in little rush, and, an hour later, the wine and his late night the evening previous had taken their toll.

    Dominic was asleep for half an hour when the motor that operated the tub’s heavy cover whirred to life, and it was only the sudden hum that allowed him warning enough to duck his head beneath the approaching strangling.

    “Dammit, Godfrey!” he shouted.

    The water level began to rise, as did the heat. The jets roared to life. Dominic found breath hard to come buy, and chlorinated spray dug into his eyes.

    His pounding did little good.

    He knew it was the end when Myra’s voice spoke to him from the recessed speakers.

    “Hi, Dominic. This is a recording to let you know I hate you, and have for years, you complaining son of a bitch. I’m glad an artist is worth more dead. Oh, also, I’m fucking Nelson. I shouldn’t gloat, but you have no idea how long it took me to get all of this programmed.

    “Ah well. As they used to say on Mission Impossible: This recording will self destruct in five seconds – but you’ll be dead by then.”

    Dominic pressed his lips to the unyielding edge of the seal and began to cry.

    He’d nearly blacked out when Godfrey returned. The machine’s tone was apologetic, “error in audio deletion library, line 301. Entering debug mode. That is to say, I’m afraid I’ll have to empty the pool, sir.”

    Relief doubled his tears.

    Instead of a supposed drunk-drowning victim, he would go on to be the artist famously nearly murdered by his wife a week before a show.

    It did little for his blood pressure, but Godfrey remained close at hand to help.

     

    Flash Pulp is presented by http://skinner.fm, and is released under the Canadian Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 2.5 License.

    Freesound.org credits:

  • Bathroom Air Conditioner.wav by Pogotron
  • diner interior atmos.aiff by klangfabrik
  • Auto,Interior,Turnsignal.wav by mikeonfire99
  • key_pressed_beep_04.wav by m_O_m
  • Bathroom Air Conditioner.wav by BoilingSand
  • Text and audio commentaries can be sent to comments@flashpulp.com – but be aware that it may appear in the FlashCast.

    – and thanks to you, for reading. If you enjoyed the story, tell your friends.

    FP302 – Coffin: Returns, Part 3 of 3

    Welcome to Flash Pulp, episode three hundred and two.

    Flash PulpTonight we present Coffin: Returns, Part 3 of 3
    (Part 1Part 2Part 3)
    [audio:http://traffic.libsyn.com/skinner/FlashPulp302.mp3]Download MP3
    (RSS / iTunes)

     

    This week’s episodes are brought to you by the Mike Luoma.

     

    Flash Pulp is an experiment in broadcasting fresh pulp stories in the modern age – three to ten minutes of fiction brought to you Monday, Wednesday and Friday evenings.

    Tonight, Will Coffin, urban shaman, and Bunny, his rarely sober roommate, discover the source of the mysterious suicide.

     

    Coffin: Returns, Part 3 of 3

    Written by J.R.D. Skinner
    Art and Narration by Opopanax
    and Audio produced by Jessica May

     

    Coffin and Bunny’s sole scheduled destination on Wednesday morning required two bus transfers and incredible patience, but the house was easy enough to find once they’d stepped onto the proper street.

    CoffinIts soggy lawn bristled with tasteful Christmas decorations, and, before entering, they’d paused to take in the powerless white lights and wrapped trees.

    Now, in the home’s chrome and marble open-concept kitchen area, Bunny was asking the residence’s owner, Tabitha, “looks like a lot of effort out there, you do the decorating yourself?”

    “No, Jorge, our yard guy, did it. He’s so meticulous, he loves that sort of detail-y stuff – and, you know, any excuse to have him over.”

    Bunny had been chattier in this last leg of their journey, and Coffin had supposed, incorrectly, that it was the previous night’s adrenaline still rattling around in her system. He’d found her wide awake at dawn – she’d been pinballing between staring listlessly into the open freezer, which contained only a half-box of Eggos, and the couch, where the television was closing out something called “The 6 Ultra Brothers vs. the Monster Army.”

    The questioning continued. As Bunny talked, her fingers tap-danced on the island. “How’d you learn to make the voodoo dolls? That the kind of thing you find a pattern for in the back of Better Homes and Gardens?”

    Tabitha put on a retail grin. “Me and Nessa were sipping a Sauvignon blanc one day when she mentioned that her grandmother had taught her how to make them when she was young.”

    She dropped her tone to one appropriate for back-fence conspiring and added, “they’re from New Orleans.”

    Bunny raised a brow. “You say ‘New Orleans’ like the place is ####-deep in witches riding unicorns. I’ve been there. Seemed like it was mostly full of perverts, alcoholics, and people who wished the perverts and alcoholics would find somewhere else to vacation.”

    Vanessa bit her lip to suppress a smirk. “It was nothing more than a way to pass an afternoon when I was a kid. For whatever reason, they didn’t hold any power then. Tabby convinced me to try again – the construction technique is a family secret, of course – and, well, let’s just say that Jorge’s never been happier.”

    From his position by the button-laden fridge, Coffin cleared his throat. “That’s when you set up shop?”

    “Yep, and the business has been, you know, good,” replied Tabitha, her grin having returned. “That’s why we sometimes declare it wine o’clock a little early.”

    She waved a hand towards a freshly opened magnum, then returned to the pair of glasses she’d set out before the doorbell’s interruption.

    “At ten-thirty on a Wednesday?” asked Coffin.

    Tabitha did not move to retrieve any further stemware as she poured.

    “Like I said, the business has been good.”

    Bunny’s eyes were locked on the filling glass. Her voice seemed too loud for the room as she spoke.

    “The business is now closed – like, Mormon #####house closed – but, listen, lemme tell you a little story about this shambling ####ing monster I met yesterday.

    “He, er, it – nah, he – he smelled like fish. Not fresh, but, you know, pungent. There’s something more though, underneath it; something like the stink old people get when they’ve started rotting before they’re actually dead. Adults, apparently, aren’t supposed to be able to see him, but we’ve some secrets of our own.

    “He’s big, and dresses, these days I guess, as a crossing guard. His face is tired and puffy. You can’t remember much beyond that once you’ve looked away, you just know there was a bit of white froth in the corners of his mouth, and you still have this ####-shower feeling that he’s either got a dirty neck or a massive growth.

    “The orange vest he wears also sticks. It has a yellow X across the front and back, and it sits over a mud-spattered winter coat. There’s no forgetting his slobbering ####ing maw, either, as it looks like a shallow graveyard after an earthquake.

    “Sounds gross but human, I guess, but, like your pin-collectors, The Bad Crossing Guard is only a shabby imitation.

    “He was free to roam until Coffin showed up. Used to stalk schoolyards in high traffic areas. He’d hang back between two cars, his little stop sign in hand, waiting for some first grader whose big sister has run ahead to hide that she’s smoking.

    “Then he’d help the kid across the street.”

    Bunny’s fingers ceased their staccato. “Except, of course, that adults can’t see him.”

    Tabitha tugged at her sweater’s chunky collar.

    “Great story,” she said, “but I’m afraid I’ll have to ask you to leave.”

    “Did I mention that he’s the one who told us where to find you?”

    “So?”

    “How do you kill it?” asked Vanessa, her hand, and Pinot noir, frozen at her lips.

    “You don’t,” answered Coffin. “He doesn’t do it for laughs, he’s got an other-space where he keeps the dead. Ending his existence would mean locking those kids into an eternity in his unpleasant little kingdom. That’s when their trouble would truly begin.”

    “You’re missing the real point,” said Bunny. “Why did he know it was you?”

    “What?” asked Tabitha. Her glass was empty despite her now taut jaw.

    “He told us what you looked like, told us your address, told us all about how you operate out of your living room. – hell, he knew the jilted housefrau you sold your death doll to. He also told us about Addison, Felicity, and Brock.

    “Kids jabber, don’t they? Always sticking their noses into their parents’ illegal occult sales and such.

    “The Guard even knows their teachers’ names. These days he’s got nothing better to do then walk around, watching and listening – he’s hopeful though. There’s always some ####ing dabbler who steps over the line and needs to have their nose broken, or worse, to teach them a lesson.

    “Which brings us to the question: You like your kids much?”

    “You bitch,” said Tabby.

    “We didn’t know it would be so strong. We thought he’d do something embarrassing, that’s all. You wouldn’t,” said Nessa

    “Oh, I’d slap your ####ing grandma if I could, twice, for teaching you just enough to be a problem – but that’s what I’d do. You think Coffin keeps a thing like that in line with ###damn hugs? I swear to Gene Simmons, you make another of those things and I’ll come out here and burn your ####ing house to the ground – and I’ll be the one playing good cop.”

    With that, Bunny grabbed the tall-necked bottle and stormed from the house.

    Will frowned, then followed.

     

    (Part 1Part 2Part 3)

    Flash Pulp is presented by http://skinner.fm, and is released under the Canadian Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 2.5 License.

    Coffin’s theme is Quinn’s Song: A New Man, by Kevin MacLeod of http://incompetech.com/

    Text and audio commentaries can be sent to comments@flashpulp.com – but be aware that it may appear in the FlashCast.

    – and thanks to you, for reading. If you enjoyed the story, tell your friends.

    FP300 – Coffin: Returns, Part 1 of 3

    Welcome to Flash Pulp, episode three hundred.

    Flash PulpTonight we present Coffin: Returns, Part 1 of 3
    (Part 1Part 2Part 3)
    [audio:http://traffic.libsyn.com/skinner/FlashPulp300.mp3]Download MP3
    (RSS / iTunes)

     

    This week’s episodes are brought to you by the Mike Luoma.

     

    Flash Pulp is an experiment in broadcasting fresh pulp stories in the modern age – three to ten minutes of fiction brought to you Monday, Wednesday and Friday evenings.

    Tonight, Will Coffin, urban shaman, and Bunny, his rarely sober roommate, hear an arcane tale of parental terror and loss.

     

    Coffin: Returns, Part 1 of 3

    Written by J.R.D. Skinner
    Art and Narration by Opopanax
    and Audio produced by Jessica May

     

    Dorset’s, the tavern, was quietly puttering through the depths of an unexpectedly warm Tuesday afternoon as Dorset, the man, puttered about in the depths of the shadows beneath his liquor display shelves.

    He asked, “you sure you don’t want a wee something?”

    The scattered selection of booths and tables were empty, but two of the swiveling stools that marched along the bar were occupied. Will Coffin, still wearing his heavy leather jacket despite the unseasonal swelter, sat empty handed, but Bunny, wearing jeans and a mostly-clean white t-shirt, was tightly gripping a glass of water.

    Before she might reply, Coffin caught the barman’s eye and said, “tell her about when we met.”

    Dorset’s cleaning cloth came to a rare stop and his gaze dropped to a bit of foam disintegrating in the trap beneath the beer taps. It was an odd change of topic, as he’d asked the pair down to discuss a recent, very public, suicide, but he obliged nonetheless.

    “I’d hired a detective to find my boy, Keenan. See, when I was seventeen I knocked up a lass who I’d fancied since I was six. We’d always thought we were in love, and, when you’re seventeen, that means some sweaty groping outside a rock show that eventually turns into a first experience in the back of your Da’s car, which he’s expecting back in his drive in thirty minutes.

    “Anyhow, it was enough, whatever the tally, and she told me I was to be a Pa. My best mate in the moment, Elmore, told me we should name it after his band, Throbbing Head, as it was their show, and they technically provided the soundtrack. My personal response was a long run of regular vomiting.

    “Hell, I wasn’t ready to be starting a family at seventeen. I dare you to show me anyone who is. She decided she was going to have an abortion. I must admit, I was thankful.

    “All the same, her parents would have nothing of it. They said it was because of their Catholic heritage, but I still wonder if it was a sort of punishment to make her carry it through, then have it packaged up and shipped to an orphanage. They’d have never let her keep it either, which is the cruelest thing.

    “We’d fallen out by the delivery. Oh, I was quite ready, I said, to step up to my duties as a father, but the stress had been too much for us, and we’d concluded we were, at best, friends.

    “We still write.

    “So – point being, another seventeen years later, I hired a detective to find Keenan. I hadn’t even seen him in the hospital, but there came a period when I was itching to know. I’d just separated from my first wife, and I couldn’t help but think there was this lad in the world who looked like me.

    “There wasn’t though. A couple had adopted him, but the fellow had started running around, and so the would-be mother drowned herself, and my boy, in the tub. The adulterer apparently found them both while trying to slip in unnoticed to get the lipstick off his collar.

    “That was a low time indeed.”

    Coffin cleared his throat and turned to Bunny, who adjusted her attention while still drawing water through her straw.

    “I’ve had a few situations like that,” he said. “We used to call them “orphan cases.” Parent wants to reconcile, kid has – moved on. A year before Dorset’s, Sandy and I did the same thing for a British Lady, capital L. We probably shouldn’t have, especially considering how much yammering she did afterward, but we were starving. Not a bad gig though. They pay for the initial conversation, then pay again to get you to unhook the kid. We were lucky too, it was an easy job – the little Lord just wanted to talk with mommy.”

    “It was the mouthings of that same dowager that lead me to you,” replied Dorset. “I mean, it was the ’70s, right? So you couldn’t swing a phone directory without hitting fifty psychics, but I finally dug you two out of the rumours.”

    “Sandy’s decision,” muttered the shaman, but his lips twitched.

    “Whatever the case, we met, right? Sandy’s wearing his jacket, looks like she hasn’t slept in four days, Will-o here hasn’t shaved in maybe two years and smells like a hobo’s crotch.”

    “We’d been busy.”

    “You’d been robbing graves on the outskirts of London.”

    “Listen,” said Coffin, “we weren’t going to meet you at our place and have you coming around daily to ask if we could fix your luck or mystically fill your pants. To be fair, we didn’t know what you wanted exactly, just that you were offering us a Tuscan villa’s worth of money.”

    “Inheritance,” clarified Dorset, as he scooped Bunny’s empty glass. “I’d been making good coin until the divorce, and I knew I had plenty to live off of if I chose. Ma did good business running a boarding house with strapping young maintenance men always on hand. People were willing to pay for discretion in those days.

    “After she died she left me one tax free safe, and gave everything else to Mr. Bell, her business partner.

    “I was young enough to think money wasn’t all that important, and it seemed, at least then, as if talking with Keenan was the solution to my concerns. I was not in the greatest of positions, frankly, my mind had begun to wander, and I do not know what end I might have met if I hadn’t found – if things hadn’t turned out as they did.

    “It was a small bathroom, mostly decorated in cream colours, and the elderly couple who were renting it thought we were mad for offering them a hundred pounds for an hour’s use of their loo.

    “They made us promise that we wouldn’t ‘undertake any sexy business,’ nor make any messes.

    “We didn’t use the full time though. Ten minutes in I was weeping so heavily I couldn’t continue. As it happened, the murderess was there too, eternally locked with him in the tub. His Stockholm Syndrome ran deep, and it seemed as if his span with her was an insurmountable barrier.

    “I remember considering mad plans – finding the flat’s owners and offering them what I could for their place, then convincing Will and Sandy to move in so that I could communicate regularly, or, maybe – maybe inviting everyone into the hall, so that I might hold myself beneath the tap and begin my own eternal battle.

    “Do you remember what you said, Will, when I asked how long you thought he’d be there? It was the way you said it that made me think that it wasn’t just nebulous talk, that you meant it.”

    “Of course I do, I said, ‘Till the end of the world, I guess.’ It was a stupid mistake to let my tongue wag – Sandy got the kid unstuck three years later. You did end up buying the apartment, though.”

    “I still own it, in fact. It makes me feel better knowing that woman is lying there, forsaken in the dark.”

    Will nodded, and Bunny turned to take in the empty seating.

    Finally, with a tight throat, Coffin said, “so – tell me about this suicide.”

    The afternoon crawled on.

     

    (Part 1Part 2Part 3)

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