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Flash Pulp 038 – The Dance, Part 1 of 1

Welcome to Flash Pulp, Episode Thirty-Eight.

Flash PulpThis evening: The Dance, Part 1 of 1

[audio:http://traffic.libsyn.com/skinner/FlashPulp038.mp3](Click play to listen or subscribe via libsyn RSS or iTunes)

Download MP3

Tonight’s episode is brought to you by the Facebook Flash Pulp fan page.

It’s just like that show Cheers, but without all the stereotypes or inevitable liver problems.

To join, click here!

Flash Pulp is an experiment in broadcasting fresh pulp stories in the modern age – 400 to 600 words brought to you Monday, Wednesday and Friday evenings.

Tonight we present a rumination on the future of effort.

Flash Pulp 038 – The Dance, Part 1 of 1

Written by J.R.D. Skinner
Art and Narration by Opopanax
and Audio produced by Jessica May

June

“I’m surprised she has any students at all. She started swinging that cane and I swear, I near started crying. One to the calf: “not extending high enough”, one to the thigh: “not taut enough.” I mean, come on, I’d just finished showing her a Martinique beguine to a jitterbug that led out with an Irish stepdance! What more does she want?”

Fiona had been eating lunch when Marty had stepped up to the opening of her cubicle, and as he finished, she rubbed bread crumbs from her fingers.

“What it sounds like is that she wants it done right.”

Marty glared down at her.

“Well, I say it IS right.”

“Well, I say you hovering over me while I’m eating my lunch is ruining my twinkies. Either sit down, get back to work, or go be the guy that complains that the consultant is wrong – and risk revealing that you’re a lazy whiner.”

July

Marty and Fiona had encountered each other in the parking lot, and Marty was taking the opportunity to finalize a day’s worth of complaining.

“She’s like my fifth grade teacher, no matter what, she’s never satisfied. At least back in math class I could show my work – the woman has no interest in listening, she just tells me to do it better.”

Overhead, an irritated flying security camera circled their animated discussion.

“She was dancing professionally at an age when you were still sleeping off Jagermeister and cheeto benders in your Mom’s basement: I think she knows what she’s talking about. I don’t blame her for being a bit ornery considering she spends her day in a wheel chair teaching tomorrow’s ballet queens.”

“Who hires a cripple to instruct dance anyhow?”

Fiona, shaking her head, hit the starter on her car.

She climbed in.

As she reversed from the lot, Marty could see through her windshield that she was still looking at him, shaking her head.

August

Marty and the woman were in the studio again. It had been their longest session yet.

He’d spent most of the time sweating, and wishing the woman, in her crisp black leotard, would call the proceedings to an end.

“Yes – now hold it, hold it.” The woman wheeled her chair about his ballerina posture. “You’re getting closer.”

Still striking a perfect second position arabesque, Marty protested.

“What? What more is there?”

“Your transitions are sluggish. When caught by a sudden tempo change it looks as if the dance is being conducted via satellite from Baghdad.”

“Listen, I thought you might say that, and I’ve compared tape with amateurs – we’re talking well within error constraints, shouldn’t that be good enough?”

“No. If it isn’t worth doing perfectly, why bother doing it?”

“What do you know about it? You don’t understand the work.”

“I understand that if you were as good at your job as I am at mine, you wouldn’t be receiving complaints.”

She stared up at him, her pointer across her lap.

He left.

September

He was surprised to find her seated on the floor as he entered. Her wheelchair rested against the wall, and he guessed that she’d used the barre to lower herself before crawling to the center of the room.

He suddenly felt guilty about his fifteen minutes of pre-planned tardiness.

She skipped the traditional introductory beratement.

“I will dance today,” she said.

There was a hitch to her voice that he thought might be the edge of tears. Setting down the big blue duffel, he began to remove the exoskeleton.

As he helped the dead weight of her legs into the suit, he realized he’d never been this close to the woman before.

Somehow, at this range, she seemed younger than he’d previously thought.

He placed the sensors at the base of her neck and helped her upright.

They’d had music at every session, but it had always been held low enough to allow chatter. She wobbled at first, but her opening baby-steps within the suit were to move to the stereo. By the time she’d crossed the room, each stride was firm and sure.

Her thumb spent a long moment against the volume button.

The clack and whir of the rig was lost beneath the thrum of the beat that filled the space.

She began to dance.

After an hour the battery began to wear low, and she was forced to return the volume to a conversational level.

With the last of the juice, she grabbed a white towel and gently settled to the floor.

It was only then that she allowed the concentration she’d shown to be broken.

Finally, she spoke.

“Yes, now it is right.”

She smiled.

Flash Pulp is presented by http://skinner.fm. The audio and text formats of Flash Pulp are released under the Canadian Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 2.5 License.

Ape Laws Of Physics

Planet Of The Apes

Listen, I understand that questioning the logic of the original Planet Of The Apes is like weeping into the ocean, but there’s something that’s always bugged me. It’s a classic ending, but how exactly did half of the Statue Of Liberty get onto some random beach? Never mind that it’s obvious they crash landed in Utah, which is no little walk from New York – we’re talking about a 60,000 pound copper statue, even getting it from Liberty Island to the mainland would be a ridiculous task.

It didn’t just wash up on shore.

The thing is, I can’t watch that portion of the film without getting the mental image of either:

  • Nuclear explosions tossing the statue into the air and re-depositing it somewhere along the American east coast, like some sort of thermo-nuclear Krazy Kat cartoon, or,
  • The final battle that destroyed humanity being a lot like Ghostbusters 2, and mankind was wiped out after animating giant statues to fight each other.

Krazy Kat

Flash Pulp 037 – Beef-pocalypse Part 1 of 1

Welcome to Flash Pulp, Episode Thirty-Seven.

Flash PulpThis evening: Beef-pocalypse, Part 1 of 1

[audio:http://traffic.libsyn.com/skinner/FlashPulp037.mp3](Click play to listen or subscribe via libsyn RSS or iTunes)

Download MP3

Tonight’s episode is brought to you by Flash Pulp on iTunes.

Statistics show that Flash Pulp listeners historically have a 0% chance of being assaulted by Somali Pirates.

Can you afford not to subscribe?

To subscribe click here.

Flash Pulp is an experiment in broadcasting fresh pulp stories in the modern age – 400 to 600 words brought to you Monday, Wednesday and Friday evenings.

Due to a recent illness in the Flash Pulp family, tonight we belatedly present a short chiller tale on the nature of choice.

Flash Pulp 037 – Beef-pocalypse, Part 1 of 1

Written by J.R.D. Skinner
Art and Narration by Opopanax
and Audio produced by Jessica May

Mom and Dad had always been accepting, but they’d never really understood.

“A little steak would do you good, get a little protein on them bones,” was about as bold a statement as they were willing to make on my eating habits.

At the time most of my friends didn’t even realize – I wasn’t the type to call attention to himself. My first year of university, however, I dated a girl named Helena, who was pretty hardcore into raw food. She pushed about it, but it just never happened for me.

It takes a lot to stand between me and lemon pie.

What broke the relationship wasn’t my need to bake, it was a discussion we were having regarding veganism.

“I don’t care if I’m wearing a cow on my feet, I just don’t want to put one through my digestive tract,” was the last thing I ever said to her.

A few days later I was talking it out with a friend, and he struck right at the heart of beef-pocalypse:

“You can fool some of the people some of the time, but not all the people all the time,” isn’t just an old saying, it’s a survival trait.”

So, great, genetically modified food and homogeneous farm practices have poisoned 96% of the country, and I’m proof of some sort of socially instituted survival of the fittest.

I just wish it hadn’t turned them all into zombies.

Flash Pulp is presented by http://skinner.fm. The audio and text formats of Flash Pulp are released under the Canadian Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 2.5 License.

On "Bachelor Magazines"

I was leafing through one of those ancient comic collections people leave lying around their bathrooms, and came across this strip, which I find interesting for two reasons:

Old Garfield Strip

1) Apparently there was a time when this was an area the Garfield universe was all right
with going into – I seriously doubt you’d see Jon receiving “bachelor magazines” in today’s funny pages.

2) There was a time when Jim Davis thought this was a passable joke. This actually makes me feel better in an odd sort of “there’s always the next episode/strip” way. Mulligan hates Mondays!

Anyhow, we’re back to regular broadcasting – last night’s episode is delayed, but should be up shortly. Our lack of internet combined with a stomach bug has the FP production crew a little behind.

Eat it, Cheerios.

Cheerio Goodness

I actually first noticed this “Cheerios with the goodness of Cheerios” thing during the final ramble of a commercial.

It seems like a pretty circular argument to me – bug spray, now with the greatness of bug spray?

What does it even mean? Where is this goodness coming from? Have all the Cheerio factory workers been given a series of moral tests to ensure only the most pure are handling the ‘O’s?

Do Cheerios somehow save innocent orphans?

Wait – are they made of innocent orphans?