A Thermonuclear Powered Spotlight On Mr Blog's Tepid Ride

To round off the funny that we’ve been spotlighting out of BMJ2k’s archives, over at Mr Blog’s Tepid Ride, we present the first of two employment primers.

Tomorrow: So You Want To Be An Astronaut.
Mr Blog's Tepid Ride

SO YOU WANT TO BE A TRAVELING SALESMAN – a primer

Congratulations salesman! You have chosen a noble profession, The roots of traveling salesmanship can be traced back to ancient Greece. Ancient salesmen traveled a well worn path between Troy and Sparta selling a primitive form of Tupperware. Sample cases were rather large and heavy, as Tupperware was made mostly of stone. The Romans soon improved on the sales trade and traveling Roman salesmen used castrated slaves to carry their samples. Today’s modern salesman has little use for castratos as samples can be carried in a simple briefcase.

PART ONE- WHAT TO SELL? 

Good salesmen are well aware of demographics, sales trends, and economic forecasts. For example, even the poorest salesman should be able to sell water in a desert. It would take a better salesman to sell water in an urban city. The best salesman would have sold water to Titanic survivors while the ship went down. In fact, Herbert F. Braithewaite did just that and in 1913 was inducted into the National Traveling Salesman Hall of Fame in Utica New York, posthumously. If you go “above and beyond” the call of duty you too may end up as Mr. Braithewaite.

Traveling salesmen have at their disposal a wide array of data upon which to base their sales decision. Often, the decision is based on one simple fact of sales- buy cheap and sell high. What can you buy cheaply and sell high? *

*The National Board of Traveling Salesman does not condone drug proliferation or prostitution.

Your product should be small and portable, to allow ease of travel, yet large enough to look impressive. It should have a high profit margin and allow for repeat sales. It should be a common item yet also be highly desirable. Some suggestions include encyclopedias, vacuum cleaners, and marital aids.

PART TWO – TRAVELING 

It has often been said that a good salesman is like a jazz musician- both have plenty of “sole.” This truism has been proven throughout the years. Expect to put many miles on your car and wear out many shoes as you travel the country. Yet you should also expect to see many sites of natural beauty and historic significance. Try to avoid these areas as these are generally low sales zones.

It is usually a good idea to plan your itinerary before hand to make best use of your route. A good route will take you through the most areas in the shortest span of time. For example, a good route through Brooklyn, New York will take you through Bay Ridge, Bensonhurst, and Gravesend. A bad route through Brooklyn will take you through East New York.

PART THREE -TIPS FOR COLD CALLING 

“Cold calling” is a sales term for trying to make a sale when there has no preliminary groundwork, such as phone calls or pamphlets mailed to the home. Here are some do’s and don’ts for successful cold calls:

  • Do not make sales calls at a funeral home during a funeral. It may be tempting due to the great number of people gathered, but sales data shows that mourners generally don’t care to spend money at a funeral, viewing, or wake.
  • Do pay attention to the needs of your customers. For example, do not try to sell silverware in a housing project. Do try to sell sneakers.
  • Do pay good attention to your appearance. A salesman who has stains on his tie, a wrinkled suit, and a four-day growth of beard may be picked up by the police in higher class neighborhoods. (Some traveling salesman have seen this as an opportunity. Neville Sanderson in 1971 sold three dozen cases of novelty toy water guns while sitting in the holding room of the Plainsboro Police Department. He was salesman of the month for April, though he was later charged and found guilty of aiding and abetting a mass breakout of prisoners from the same prison using his water guns.)

CONCLUSION

The creed of the traveling salesmen has always been “integrity.” Despite the hundreds of traveling salesman jokes, the salesman who sleeps with the farmer’s daughter is the exception, not the rule. In fact, the National Board of Traveling Salesmen has been locked on litigation with farmer Rufus Frederick Jones of Wheeling West Virginia and his buxom daughter Josie for spreading the lies of philandering salesmen. Evidence shows that the pies left on their window sill and the advances by young Josie were legal entrapment and the divorce of salesman Paul Collins on grounds or infidelity should be overturned.

Allow me to be the first to welcome you to the world of Traveling Salesmanship. We look forward in the coming weeks to providing you with the support you need in your new career, as well as our weekly newsletter, The Willie Loman Gazette.

Arthur William Rotnac
President
National Board of Traveling Salesmen

* * *

Thanks again to BMJ2k, for allowing me access to his wordsmithing.

Walker Update

Is it a coincidence that friend of the site, Ray, has released the second of his Walker Journals just as I myself feel as if I’m becoming a zombie, or has that madman undertaken some chemical warfare R&D in an attempt to turn me into cheap acting labour for his videos?

Only time will tell.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-jI7lA0bqHo]

Notes From My Sick Bed

It’s like I got a vacation to the tropics for Christmas, but the hot temperatures are all internal and the vomiting comes without drinking.

I was wondering if having a high fever on Christmas day was going to lead me into some Dickens-style ghostly visitations, but instead all I was haunted by was Foreigner’s “Hot Blooded”. (I hate that song.)

The scheduled shows are delayed till tomorrow – I apologize.

Scheduling

Many to collectTaken today, at the center of the consumer madness.

Tonight’s Flash Pulp will be posted on Sunday, as the whole crew is down with a bad case of the egg nog. To make up for our poor work ethic, on this, the most Victorian of holidays, we’ll also be releasing FlashCast 003 on the same evening.

Till then, blogging will be incidental at best, but know that we love you.

In the mean time, to fill your pulpy needs, why not browse the archive (or on iTunes), or check out our yule–related episodes?

I myself am about to depart to undertake the annual viewing of MST3k’s Santa Claus Conquers The Martians.

Feel free to join us:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pzw0dFx8HSA]

Undead Update

Zombies

As I promised earlier in the week, I set myself to updating the last few Ruby stories, so that their hand-written notes were in place.

I owe a big thanks to Opop for playing catch up, as here they are:

  • Shuffle – Ruby departs from the home of Melody Hannikainen, although not entirely empty handed.
  • Crash – Ruby relates a short tale of love and loss.
  • Jingle – Ruby finds herself facing down depression only to discover the holiday spirit amongst the undead.

Flash Pulp 110 – Deliberation, Part 1 of 1

Welcome to Flash Pulp, episode one hundred and ten.

Flash Pulp

Tonight we present Deliberation, Part 1 of 1
[audio:http://traffic.libsyn.com/skinner/FlashPulp110.mp3]Download MP3
(RSS / iTunes)

 

This week’s episodes are brought to you by the the new Nutty Bites Podcast

Flash Pulp is an experiment in broadcasting fresh pulp stories in the modern age – three to ten minutes of fiction brought to you Monday, Wednesday and Friday evenings.

Tonight, we present a tale of futuristic justice.

 

Flash Pulp 110 – Deliberation, Part 1 of 1

Written by J.R.D. Skinner
Art and Narration by Opopanax
and Audio produced by Jessica May

 

“Well, they all look like over-sized mars rovers, and they all roll around killing cows – that’s about it, mostly.”

The prosecutor smirked at the rough-handed man currently on the stand.

“A country understatement if I’ve ever heard one. You’re familiar with the farm’s operations? With the unit itself?”

“I’ve been working on the Lancaster’s spread for fifteen years, although only with, uh the unit, for the last four.”

“- and you knew Gregor Petrov personally?”

“Yeah, I knew him. We worked together five days a week for seven years.”

“What about the day he died?”

“I wasn’t actually on-shift when it happened, but the only surprise was that the robot had done it – I figured it would have been one of the other guys.”

“You were the sole maintenance man for the farm?”

“Well, no, I mean, I’m definitely the guy who does the hard stuff, but most folks on a farm know how to twist wires and pour gas.”

“Fine, but for something as complex as a portable abatoir…?”

“Yeah, sure, I was probably the only one who knew enough to plug a laptop in and poke at the interface, and I did a lot of the mechanical maintenance, but that doesn’t mean I have clue one about his electronics. I’m sure you know how to set your microwave’s clock and can replace the spinning platter if it cracks, but that doesn’t mean you can build one from scratch or even fix it if someone dumps a mug of coffee in the back. We have seven of the units, and Grumpy is the only one I’ve ever seen acting weird.”

The lawyer took a sip of her water, then re-approached the witness box.

“Do you think what happened was a mechanical or software failure?”

“No.”

“Do you think this robot was programmed to kill?”

The cowhand licked his lips.

“Not especially. People might not have liked Gregor, and I could possibly see someone wanting to do him in, but changing Grumpy that much would be way out of my league, and I know I’m well ahead of the rest of the pack back at the ranch.”

“Do you think the company that built it might be culpable?”

“Well – not exactly. I don’t know how their learning software works, but I have to wonder.”

* * *

The technician which now occupied the hot-seat pulled at his tie, considering his answer.

“Before this incident we’d only had one human fatality. The units use something we call the adaptive education matrix to learn to make smarter decisions, but only in areas related to what they do. They learn to recognize who they need to be partnered with, and some of their human companions preferences – it learns the map of the area it operates in… but certainly nothing that we might think of as emotions. It’s mostly just a computer.”

“Doesn’t it have something of a sense of humour as a sort of emotional assistance to the human it’s working with in the slaughter house? My understanding is that it picks up jokes from the people it works with and passes them on?”

The tech shifted in his seat before replying.

“Sort of – all it’s really doing is analyzing a history of how often the people that it knows know the punchline interact with the person its assisting, then, if it thinks there’s a low incidence of crossover, it’ll try it out.”

“Frankly, Mitch, that’s how I tell my jokes as well.”

“We’ve been over his code with a fine toothed comb, repeatedly. After what happened last time, we actually reformatted him, just in case. We’ve got over ten-thousand of these guys out in the wild, and this is the only one that’s killed a man. If it hadn’t been for the fact that one of our quality assurance ladies has an obsession with perfection that drove her to memorize his serial number, we wouldn’t even have been aware that it was the same unit.”

“You refer to it as a “him”, why is that?”

“Oh, I, uh, don’t mean it, it’s just that after a long while of working with a ‘bot you start to project – it’s probably because the milkers we build have suction cups, and the slaughterers have a pneumatic spike.”

“What happened the last time your product killed someone?”

“Well – it was ruled an accident. We ran tests; we stripped him down; in the end we couldn’t pinpoint what the problem was. You can’t always anticipate what’ll happen when you bring that many interfaces together, but it was obvious from the volume of alternates we had in the field, and the number of man-hours logged without incident, that it was a fluke.”

“- and still a fluke the second time?”

* * *

It took the jury four days to determine they weren’t going to come back with a proper verdict, and the press were relieved that a hung jury meant they could keep the ratings going for at least a few more months.

When the announcement was made, Grumpy rolled gently back and forth, twice. The robot’s lawyer put a hand out onto the unit’s boxy shell – unbeknownst to both, a Time cover in the making – then directed his client out of the courthouse.

The defendant rolled past the cameras without comment.

 

Flash Pulp is presented by http://skinner.fm. The audio and text formats of Flash Pulp are released under the Canadian Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 2.5 License.

Christmas Fear

Last night I was watching Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer, as I’m wont to do around this time of year, and I noticed something.

Here’s a modern representation of one of the show’s classic characters.
Yukon Cornelius FigureSure, everyone loves Yukon Cornelius, but something is missing.
Yukon Cornelius with friend
Figure it out?

Here’s the truth about Cornelius: the man packs heat.

We don’t allow the characters in children’s shows to carry guns anymore, as demonstrated by the infamous erasing of weaponry in ET, and, in a way, it’s a bit of a shame, as I think some of the magic we’ve lost in children’s films is due to the disconnect with reality.

When we attempt to create an excessively padded play-space, we may accidentally teach kids that there are no such things as knives – then, when they do encounter them, they have no respect for the gravitas of the situation, and they end up throwing them at each other.

Still, the reality is, if you came across a fellow carrying a knife, a hatchet, and a handgun, in the middle of a blizzard, you’d probably just let him go on rambling about the abominable snowman as you departed at top speed.
Abominable Snowman