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Flash Pulp 034 – The Last Ghost Story: A Blackhall Tale, Part 1 of 3

Welcome to Flash Pulp, Episode Thirty-Four.

Flash PulpTonight: The Last Ghost Story: A Blackhall Tale, Part 1 of 3

(Part 1Part 2Part 3)

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This evening’s episode is brought to you by Opopanax Feathers:

A rainbow nightmare filtered through the storming rage of a feral teddy bear.

Find it at OpopanaxFeathers.wordpress.com

Flash Pulp is an experiment in broadcasting fresh pulp stories in the modern age – 400 to 600 words brought to you Monday, Wednesday and Friday evenings.

Tonight we present the first entry in a new tale of Thomas Blackhall, frontiersman and occasional student of the occult. Our story begins after the witching hour, in a small town in the Dalhousie district.

Flash Pulp 034 – The Last Ghost Story: A Blackhall Tale, Part 1 of 3

Written by J.R.D. Skinner
Art and Narration by Opopanax
and Audio produced by Jessica May

William Stern’s Tavern was nearly empty. Conversation had guttered until only a small knot of regulars, and a sprinkling of loners napping in their cups, remained.

The recent Evans murder had dominated the bar room early in the evening, but as the night had worn on, and the barley had grown heavier, the talk had turned to the occult.

“There are no ghosts,” said Porter, the raised eyebrow of the group.

“I swear to you, when I was not eight years old, I watched my Granny’s phantom walking the hall,” replied O’Connor, a half-pay sergeant.

“Tell me not of childhood dreams as if they were truths. How many dead have there been in history? If there truly were spirits, they’d have to start charging rent at the Tower of London.”

“What of Milly Tyler’s old place?” Bigs Calhoun had been silent a long while, and, until his interjection, the debaters had assumed he’d nodded off.

“The only curse on Milly Tyler’s farmhouse is that the land she settled could barely grow grass, much less wheat,” Porter replied.

“My oldest lad once told me that he and the Casey boy went up that way one evening. Apparently neither of ’em could step in and count to ten once the door was shut. Felt fingers up his spine, he said.” Bigs took a long inhale from his mug.

Porter snorted.

“Next you’ll be telling me they brought a third boy with them,” he dropped to a dramatic hush, ” – but he never returned.”

“Isn’t it usually the smart-mouthed know-it-all who gets it at the end of those stories?” asked O’Connor, smiling across the table at his skeptical companion.

“Yes, but if you held so truly to every tale you heard at your Father’s knee, you’d be out wandering the roads looking to trade your prize cow for magic beans.”

“A wager then?” Calhoun asked.

Porter realized the smell of approaching gambling must have been what had roused Bigs from his stupor.

“At what rules? Shall I implant a dagger at the site and catch my coat, only to mistake it for the grabbing hand of poor Milly Tyler? Shall I enter and repeat Milly’s name three times, hoping she materializes? Shall I spend the night and see if my hair has turned snowy by morn?”

“Your jests reek of excuse.” O’Connor said, his smile fixed.

“I’ll happily follow whatever course you suggest, but I see a flaw in your plan: one of ye believers would have to follow along to attest to the truth of my testimony.”

“I believe you’re an idiot, not a liar,” the sergeant replied. “We shall reconvene here at lunch, on the morrow, and you can report what terrors befell you then. What of the wager?”

“I might suggest the night’s tab,” said Stern, the barkeep, from behind his well polished mahogany slab. “I’ll hold it till lunch – although I’m not terribly optimistic for the condition of your stomachs.”

“Whatever the condition of my gullet, if you’ll extend us the courtesy, I’ll be sure to order up the Sunday patrons a mess of eggs – at Porter’s expense,” O’Connor replied.

“Fine then, and I’ll beg you to be off to your haunted house, or otherwise rent a room and clear the tables, as Mrs. Stern has trouble managing the gluttony of the Sunday faithful when left to herself.”

Those still waking, stood.

They were at the door when a shadow broke away from a darkened table, approaching.

Holding up a hand in greeting, Thomas Blackhall stepped into the glow of the kerosene lamps.

“I’d like to come along,” he said.

Flash Pulp is presented by http://skinner.fm. The audio and text formats of Flash Pulp are released under the Canadian Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 2.5 License.

Flash Pulp 033 – Strangers In The Net, Part 1 of 1

Welcome to Flash Pulp, Episode Thirty-Three.

Flash PulpTonight’s tale: Strangers In The Net, Part 1 of 1

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This episode is brought to you by the Flash Pulp page on Facebook.

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Flash Pulp is an experiment in broadcasting fresh pulp stories in the modern age – 400 to 600 words brought to you Monday, Wednesday and Friday evenings.

Tonight we present a tale about friendship and duty, writ large in the glow of a computer monitor.

Flash Pulp 033 – Strangers In The Net, Part 1 of 1

Written by J.R.D. Skinner
Art and Narration by Opopanax
and Audio produced by Jessica May

March

It was the middle of the night, and Maria was groggily clicking at her digital crops while doing her best to ignore the flu churning in her stomach.

The red glare of a friend request appeared on her screen.

She’d recently given in to adding strangers to her list, in a bid to make her gaming life simpler, and when the name “Anthony Holderbrook” appeared, she assumed it was someone looking for a neighbour.

In her NyQuil haze, she clicked “accept”.

* * *

May

She was at work, bored. The small airfield was dead: it was a rainy Tuesday, and most of the field’s clientèle were hobbyists too nervous to fly in slick weather.

Her time was spent at the office’s Ikea desk. She considered herself little more than a glorified gas station attendant, but at least she had the receipt tracking PC to keep her entertained.

In the last few months she’d gone from casual game player to addict, her online empires ranging from mafiosi to vast agricultural fiefdoms. With the clack of her fingers she could raise an army to grow untold grapes, or sheer any count of sheep.

Still, her new found power had come at the expense of a cluttered friends list, and she’d spent the afternoon attempting to cut those she considered dead weight. Her eyes once again hovered over Anthony’s name. She couldn’t recall him ever having sent an item or in-game request. Her cursor hovered over “remove”, but she re-considered, sliding over to his profile link.

Anthony was an older man, close shaved and trim. Most of his pictures had him in front of fighter jets, or with his wife in their suburban backyard.

A chat window popped up – her sister, back from Lake Tahoe, and in tears about husband-Mike’s constant complaining that the weekend would have been better spent in Vegas.

Maria closed the browser window, reaching for her phone.

* * *

Early June

Maria’s eyes happened upon his status message in her news feed.

“We are FUBAR. I’m sorry, Min. I love all of you.”

Anthony had changed his profile image to a professionally shot photo of him in uniform. Maria didn’t know much about the military, but he certainly seemed to have a colourful chest full of medals and ribbons.

As she snooped, a new update appeared.

“Mohole 2 went twenty miles deep. Everything is eggs.”

The smell of drama drew her to his personal page. She spent the following hour continuously hitting refresh.

Nothing changed.

After a time, she became entangled in a barn raising.

The next day, while negotiating her allegiances with a committee of digital ranchers, it struck her to check for updates.

The older messages had been removed, replaced with:

“Gin makes me talk too much.”

It was then that she decided to google Holderbrook, only to find the now familiar face staring back at her: from old photo ops in Baghdad, from over the desk at a congressional hearing, from the deck of an aircraft carrier in the Atlantic.

They were all captioned “Four-Star Air Force General, Anthony Holderbrook”.

Between harvests, she dug into his profile.

The blandness of his six months of history convinced her it was real.

* * *

Late June

Maria had been checking his page hourly. Nothing more had slipped from his status messages, and many of her friends had tired of her constant weaving of conspiracy around every news article that mentioned him.

“Less than forty minutes and we’re all dead.”

The update hit her stomach like a stone.

She started a letter to her Mom, found she was taking too long, included her sister. Hitting send, she realized she should update her faithful lieutenants, the ones who would have to know now that she had been right.

She began a new message, and, looking to copy and paste the status, she flipped back to the General’s profile.

It had updated.

“If you have access to an aircraft, take it up immediately – that is an ORDER. Uno Ab Alto.”

It was like he had meant it just for her.

Gary had given her a few lessons on getting into the air, she knew she could do it.

Kar'WickShe began to polish off her message. Moe with too many goats, Hannah with her need for everything to be pretty instead of functional; they’d spent many long days together, they’d served her well, they ought to know the end was coming.

Her fingers blazed at the keys.

Completing the dispatch, Maria logged out.

The office began to buck and sway – she realized she’d taken too long.

Across the field the bone knotted carapace of Kar’Wick, The Spider-God, thrust onto the shattered sky.

Flash Pulp is presented by http://skinner.fm. The audio and text formats of Flash Pulp are released under the Canadian Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 2.5 License.

Killer Klowns

Killer Klowns
We watched Killer Klowns From Outer Space last night.

Klowns has always been a bit of an oddity to me. It’s obviously a ridiculously goofy movie, but it’s never played as anything but earnest – and I love it because of that.

Post Scream/Scary Movie every bad movie actor is on on the joke, and that guts a lot of the magic of watching a terrible film. I’m convinced Killer Klowns is only remembered from an era with a glut of bad horror because of its earnestness. If they’d gone into it like, say, Hobgoblins, it would edge out of enjoyable and into “Shut Up”.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hFHBtu6Nb40]

Undead Danson

Seaweed ZombiesThis is the only image I could locate of seaweed-covered, zombie Ted Danson. I’m sure further pictures must be somewhere on the web, but I can’t find them.

There seem to have been a few locations they were formerly available, but they’ve all been removed.

As Ted ages, are they somehow trying to maintain the honour of the Danson estate? Does he buy up copies of “Creepshow” like Jane Fonda supposedly bought up Barbarella?

Is someone on patrol for the sanctity of Sam Malone?

I guess its more likely he’s just a hack actor and no one has bothered to take any screenshots; I have no problem locating dozens of images of him in black-face.

Frankly, I prefer him undead.

Update: Dang, someone ruined the magic by showing me the exact keywords I needed to unlock the Danson zombie horde – ah well, it was a beautiful conspiracy while it lasted.