My Brain, Exploding In Slow Motion
So, I came home to discover the above. Apparently the fellows doing work in our basement have opted to use our little studio as a storage compartment. I’ve been assured the situation will be corrected by tomorrow.
This means I’m likely going to need to just relax and accept that the schedule this week is going to be Tuesday/Thursday/Saturday. I apologize, and will berate everyone involved – and probably a few who aren’t.
Telling Tails
Warning: Those with weak stomachs may find this post a bit rough.
I’m in a bit of a time crunch today, but I wanted to throw out an idea for your consideration. First, from the wikipedia:
Infrequently, a child is born with a “soft tail”, which contains no vertebrae, but only blood vessels, muscles, and nerves, although there have been several documented cases of tails containing cartilage or up to five vertebrae. […] A man named Chandre Oram, who lives in West Bengal, a state in India, is famous because of his 33-centimetre (13 in) tail. It is not believed to be a true tail, however, but rather a case of spina bifida.
While it’s not technically a ‘true’ tail, here’s a bit of Mr Oram from Japanese television.
[youtube_sc url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LUHYwUTVWWc]
– and, to add to your possible discomfort, here’s a clip I’ve little further information on, but which demonstrates a, uh, less-mushy ‘real’ tail.
[youtube_sc url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xnxzqeT466A]
I/We consider these oddities, and possibly even off-putting, but the reason I mention it is this: how long will it be – twenty years? – until bioengineering advances can activate our ancient attributes on demand, and allow those interested (I’m looking at you, Furry community) to grow custom prehensile-tails?
I’m not a huge fan of the aesthetics, but it would be handy to have an extra grip on my coffee.
FP146 – Layers: a Collective Detective Chronicle, Part 1 of 3
Welcome to Flash Pulp, episode one hundred and forty-six.
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Tonight we present, Layers: a Collective Detective Chronicle, Part 1 of 3
(Part 1 – Part 2 – Part 3)
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This week’s episodes are brought to you by the Ladies Pendragon.
Find out more about their Pendragon Variety Podcast at http://pendragonvariety.com/
Flash Pulp is an experiment in broadcasting fresh pulp stories in the modern age – three to ten minutes of fiction brought to you Monday, Wednesday and Friday evenings.
Tonight we find a contributor to the Collective Detective, KillerKrok, investigating a nearly forgotten life, as he also conducts major changes in his own.
Flash Pulp 146 – Layers: a Collective Detective Chronicle, Part 1 of 3
Written by J.R.D. Skinner
Art and Narration by Opopanax
and Audio produced by Jessica May
For Kyle, fourteen, summer was screaming to a close. He’d spent the last month dividing his energies between conquering an obscure series of Japanese role playing video-games, and contributing to the project known as the Collective Detective, both of which he’d been introduced to by his best-friend, Monty.
Although Monty’s love of Battle Passion One through Six still outpaced his own, the Collective had become Kyle’s great obsession. He’d already provided assistance on several occasions, including having sorted reams of posts for a case involving the suspicious disappearance of a member of a forum dedicated to Danish metal bands, and even turning up a nugget which had eventually lead the group to unearthing a girl who’d been buried, and forgotten, in a train yard.
Forty-eight hours before his first day as a ninth-grader, in a desperate bid to ignore the impending demands of school-life, he found himself rifling the site’s open projects. While flipping from wiki-page to wiki-page, he was brought to a halt on the case of Morris Cox, which had seen some activity, but few results. It was an attached Facebook photo which sold him: despite Cox’s smile, his eyes appeared hollow.
The notes were minimal; six years of traffic had been traced back to the case, which meant they had information on Morris from age twelve through eighteen, but the majority of it had gone unsorted, and the annotations seemed to indicate a lot of teenage nonsense, and little more.
Sitting in his basement bedroom, at the rickety white table his parents had provided to support the humming weight of the PC he’d purchased with his own funds, Kyle felt a kinship to that teenage nonsense. Reaching into the darkness beside the glow of his monitor, he retrieved his half-empty bottle of Mountain Dew and redirected his browser to the Collective’s main website. When prompted, he logged himself in as KillerKrok, then pulled up the primary tool of every member, the search page.
He initiated a trio of queries: a general trawl for all the logs related to Cox’s known IP addresses, a second seeking any mention of Morris’ name in his school library’s traffic, and a third inquiry looking for text messages involving the missing boy’s name, as no cellphones had been associated with his file.
Rubbing at the stringy patch of hair he’d been cultivating on his chin, Kyle considered his selections, then nodded.
Being only a lowly contributor, he knew it would be some time before his requests moved to the top of the heap to be processed, so he popped in Battle Passion Five, and cranked his Led Zeppelin soundtrack to the level he knew to be just below the cusp of his parents’ patience.
* * *
Three weeks of scrutiny had left the amateur detective feeling very familiar with Morris’ life, and yet little closer to discovering the key to his disappearance.
School, and thoughts of Elle Landry, had taken heavy tolls on the amount of time Kyle had to dedicate to the project, but he found the investigation considerably preferable to algebra homework, and often spent his days, and notebook pages, sketching out speculative webs of accusation instead of focusing on essays regarding Hamlet.
He had a single tantalizing clue, an unidentified encrypted application which the lost boy had starting using regularly at fifteen. Although the Collective could provide the raw data of what was transferred, and could even give basic information on how it was concealed, it had no method to circumvent the password behind which it was hidden. Krok had easy access to the necessary tools to make the translation, but without the missing phrase, they were useless. Still, while watching reruns of the newest re-imagining of SpongeBob SquarePants, he’d spent the better part of a Saturday guessing at any possibility that might have come to Morris, including the details the unaccounted-for-youth had used on other services, character names from his favourite films, and random combinations of his own moniker and birth-date.
The cast of people involved in Morris’ communications had fluctuated from year to year, but their wiki entries had grown under Kyle’s nurturing, and now included a positive identification for a best-friend from the age of twelve till a messy falling out at seventeen, as well as the entrance of Bailey, the case’s first, and only obvious, love interest. In getting to know the major players through the digital fingerprints they’d left, the sleuth had also begun to see connections from Cox’s life within his own. Although he’d vanished at eighteen, it was at the age of fourteen – KillerKrok’s – that the seeds of dissension between the missing, and his compatriot, had been planted, and, as puppy-love mentions of Bailey, largely in anonymous forums, increased, their comradery had decreased. Oddly, however, the apparent girlfriend never seemed to be discussed.
The ninth-grader was considering the point when his phone rang.
“Hey,” said Monty.
“Hola,” Kyle replied.
“Still smacking the dead pony?”
“Yeah, I’m sure this encrypted stuff is the answer.”
“Uh huh. You’re gonna get that thing opened up and it’ll be nothing but his porn collection.”
“It’s funny you say that, because the data transfer would be about right, but, I dunno, could be a bunch of audio recordings discussing his Colombian drug deals.” On a whim, Kyle tried “Colombian” as the password. He was greeted with the familiar failure warning.
“Have you ever seen him say anything in Spanish?” asked Monty.
“No.”
“Uh huh. Anyhow, what you up to tonight? Forget whatever it was, guess who just got a hold of his imported copy of Battle Passion Seven?”
Kyle cleared his throat, mousing down to his desktop’s clock before replying. Seeing the late hour, his palms suddenly began to run with moisture.
“Nah, listen, I actually need to go, uh, help my Mom with something, but I think I’m going to just spend the night cracking this thing – I’m right on the verge, I can feel it. Start without me and I’ll catch up with you tomorrow or something.”
Morris made his goodbyes with a note of dejection, but the fourteen-year-old had little time for consideration of his friend. Leaving his keyboard to blink endlessly on the empty password field, he ran to the shower.
It was while shaving off his ratty facial growth that the solution came to him, and he called himself an idiot, aloud, for not having tried it earlier. With his face still covered in unnecessary shaving cream, he ran to his machine and triumphantly typed: “Bailey”.
There was a pause, then a progress bar appeared. It began to count upwards.
With a holler, Kyle moved into a stomping dance. After a moment, however, he caught the time on the PVR’s digital display, and quickly scooped up the rogue foam on the carpet. Hovering over his computer, he submitted the case revision in a rush.
The movie started in an hour, and he didn’t want to leave Elle waiting.
Flash Pulp is presented by http://skinner.fm, and is released under the Canadian Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 2.5 License.
Text and audio commentaries can be sent to skinner@skinner.fm, or the voicemail line at (206) 338-2792 – but be aware that it may appear in the FlashCast.
– and thanks to you, for reading. If you enjoyed the story, tell your friends.
Meet The Old Cult Leader, Same As The New Cult Leader
It’s perhaps unsurprising that most cult leaders come out of a background of poverty – Manson was born to an unwed 16-year-old, and Jim Jones’ family was apparently heavily hit by the Great Depression – but it seems rarer to have a sect lead by a lady, as in the case of Joanna Southcott.
From the wikipedia:
Her father was a farmer and she herself was for a considerable time a domestic servant in Exeter. She was originally of the Church of England, but about 1792, becoming persuaded that she possessed supernatural gifts, she wrote and dictated prophecies in rhyme, and then announced herself as the woman spoken of in Revelation
Not to be crass, but if I had to spend the majority of my days picking up in a house that wasn’t my own while having my bum pinched by it’s unruly owner, I too might consider digging up some prophecies and hitting the road.
Better yet, she had some luck in her new trade.
Her followers became numerous and in 1802 she settled in London and a chapel was opened for her followers. – Probert Encyclopaedia
Unfortunately, the prophet business is a lot like real estate: it doesn’t mean much unless you can close the sale and show results.
At the age of sixty four she affirmed that she was pregnant and would be delivered of the new Messiah, the Shiloh of Genesis – wikipedia
Although the baby never materialized, Joanna didn’t need to dodge the pointed questions of her followers for terribly long.
The official date of death is given as 27 December 1814; however, it is likely that she died the previous day, 26 December 1814, as her followers retained her body for some time, in the belief that she would be raised from the dead, and only agreed to its burial after it began to decay.
A whiff of decay wasn’t the only thing she’d left her people: she also imparted a trunk full of prophecies, with a suitably difficult bar to achieve before she might be proven wrong.
A final quote from the wikipedia:
She left a sealed wooden box of prophecies, usually known as Joanna Southcott’s Box, with the instruction that it be opened only at a time of national crisis, and then only in the presence of all twenty four bishops of the Church of England[…] Eventually in 1927 one reluctant prelate […] was persuaded to be present at the box’s opening, but it was found to contain only a few oddments and unimportant papers, among them a lottery ticket and a horse-pistol.

Playing Catch Up
This week’s Collective Detective tales are proving randier than I’d anticipated, and I need to give the first of them a hardy third edit.
While writing a three-parter, I like to have all of my plot points nailed down before word one hits the page – unfortunately, in this case, I became smitten with details which I hadn’t accounted for, and now I need to go back and shake things into a proper whole.
This means #146 is going to have to wait till tomorrow to be recorded.
That is to say: the script will be done tonight, but at such a late hour as to leave me brutally beaten by the ladies should I insist they utilize the mic.
In the mean time, might I suggest catching up on our previous Collective Detective episodes, or enjoying last night’s FlashCast?
CNN Asks: The End Of Gary Trundle, Part Time Columnist
Occasionally, CNN finds itself wallowing in confusion – on those occasions, I try to step in to lend some clarity.
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I choose to read this is the lament of a weary travel writer at the end of his career, too broke from a lifetime spent jet-setting in Shanghai, and sipping fine wine in Venice, to be able to afford retirement.
“Is this all there is? A battered sleeping bag, a series of Airport smoking rooms, and the occasional fluff-piece byline in National Geographic?”
Yes, Gary, I’m afraid so.
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No. I want three controllers for every flight coming down, and I want them all providing contradictory information in a life or death game of To Tell The Truth.
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Rudely. Make a lot of disparaging comments about them around the supper table, and hope that next year, when she enters high school, she finds a better set of lice to hang out with.
FlashCast 013 – Teenage Grifter
[audio:http://traffic.libsyn.com/skinner/FlashCast013.mp3](Download/iTunes)
Hello, and welcome to FlashCast episode thirteen – prepare yourself for the site move, vacation time, Tom Jones, the Dance of the Urbanite, and the Murder Plague.
Mentions this episode:
- Jim of Relic Radio fame
- Barry from Mr Blog’s Tepid Ride
- Threedayfish/@Mc_Laughing
- The Murder Plague
- Tryad’s Dance Of The Urbanite
* * *
If you have comments, questions or suggestions, you can find us at http://skinner.fm, call our voicemail line at (206) 338-2792, or email us text or mp3s to skinner@skinner.fm.
FlashCast is released under the Canadian Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 2.5 License.
Sunday Summary: Chainsaws & James Bond

I kept waiting for the fantastic to start while watching Paranormal Activity 2. It didn't.
— Jurd🦖 (@JRDSkinner) March 27, 2011
Smell got the shaft. You don't call someone being loud "very heary", & at least being "tasty" is a good thing. #TheMoreYouNose
— Jurd🦖 (@JRDSkinner) March 26, 2011
New plan: Build an airship. Wander from city to city, fighting crime with a cadre of skydiving hobos. Learn a weekly lesson. #Zeppilante
— Jurd🦖 (@JRDSkinner) March 23, 2011
How much wood would a woodchuck chainsaw, if a woodchuck could operate and maintain complex mechanical objects?
— Jurd🦖 (@JRDSkinner) March 22, 2011
With the right kind of coaching for the role, I could see Gordon Ramsay as a new breed of Bond villain.
— Jurd🦖 (@JRDSkinner) March 21, 2011


