Category: Sunday Summary

Sunday Summary: A Variety of Monsters Edition

Excuse me, have you heard the dimension-rending chittering of our spider-god, Kar'Wick? Could I leave a pamphlet? — Excuse me, have you heard the dimension-rending chittering of our spider-god, Kar’Wick? Could I leave a pamphlet?

No mention of the tentacled invaders on the western coast? Cover-up? #2012Debate

— Skinner Co. (@SkinnerCo) October 17, 2012

I still maintain that sea shell demand would be higher if she simply moved away from the seashore.

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) October 16, 2012

Wait, what happened to the laser light show & theme song walk-in? What kind of town hall is this? #2012debate

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) October 17, 2012

I have no idea what he bought at the pharmacy, but at least he threw in a few bucks for charity.

Give blood at the Red Cross & people consider you an upstanding citizen; give blood at Christmas & they think you’re a monster.

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) October 17, 2012

CNN: “5 ways Japan will surprise you” – Spoiler: #1 is discovering the demonic spirit of a dead schoolgirl crawling up your hotel window.

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) October 19, 2012

Mr Nine quips “Pizza guy!” whenever someone knocks on Doc Frankenstein’s door. The boy’s learning to master a running gag. #ProudFather

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) October 21, 2012

Always fantastic to receive mail from @EarlGreyGory. I'm eager to see Barons of Tea. — Always fantastic to receive mail from @EarlGreyGory. I’m eager to see Barons of Tea.

Sunday Summary: Thanksgiving & Other Debate Nights

Guys! Guys! I found the change we’ve been eternally promised by politicians! It was between the couch cushions.

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) October 4, 2012

C’mon, c’mon, c’mon – when’s the swimsuit portion of the program? #Barackini #2012Debate

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) October 4, 2012

People often complain about the modern lack of jet packs, but what of all of the ceiling-dancing we were promised in the ‘80s?

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) October 4, 2012

CNN Headline: “Kellogg’s recalls Mini-Wheats” – Huh. I remember a great bowl of Franken Berries, but I’m not bragging about it to the press.

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) October 12, 2012

The turkey, the turkey – somewhere Big Bird is pouring out part of a 40 in honour of the meal I just devastated.

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) October 8, 2012

I feel like everything I’ll ever need to know about Colorado & Utah’s history I learned from last night’s viewing of Cannibal! The Musical.

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) October 7, 2012

In the ruins of an abandoned blog I find a goodbye that reads like a suicide note – it is the last post published, and has no comments.

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) October 4, 2012

Heading into the word-hole like I’m Indiana Jones in a mine cart. #amwriting

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) October 10, 2012

Have I mentioned lately that Opop is fantastic? Because she is.

Sunday Summary: Raptor Cavalry

Skinner Co. Raptor Cavalry: Please report to the cafeteria. The cooks can’t keep two-thousand pounds of raw pork under heat lamps forever.

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) July 23, 2011

CNN.com: “‘Angry Birds’ aims for 1 billion fans” – How could fans possibly be hiding that many green pigs in their homes?

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) July 22, 2011

Tetris has trained me well for cramming leftover Chinese food into the fridge.

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) July 22, 2011

Skinner Co. Staff: In light of our recent phone hacking scandal, we ask that employees secure all cleavers and axes before initiating calls.

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) July 21, 2011

CNN.com headline: “Paris Hilton walks out of ABC interview” – which is actually pretty fantastic, considering how drunk she was at the time.

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) July 20, 2011

Breaking News: Willow Smith arrested on animal abuse charges after allegations that she’s been whipping her hare back and forth.

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) July 20, 2011

How have I gotten this far in life without naming one of my dogs Zuul?

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) July 20, 2011

CNN.com: “NASA head: ‘This isn’t the end'” – that sort of mastery of basic anatomy made NASA the leading scientific organization it is.

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) July 19, 2011

CNN.com: “Fallout from UK phone-hacking scandal spreads” – who thought nuclear phones were a good idea anyhow?

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) July 18, 2011

CNN.com: “VEVO reinvents the music video” – now they have titanium carapaces, 1,000 breeding tendrils, & a lust for honey.

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) July 18, 2011

Sunday Summary: The Future

Dear 1988-me: You wouldn’t believe it, but cyber-bots are hunting me over a global network of high powered computers. (I tweeted “iPod”.)

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) July 16, 2011

“Putting the baby down,” to me, sounds a little too close to “sending the baby to the glue factory.”

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) July 13, 2011

I’m pro cyborg-rights. Who am I to interfere with the marriage of Steve and EVE-359? #ProCyborg #CyborgsArePartlyPeopleToo

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) July 13, 2011

At some point in the future I hope to truthfully exclaim: “Only Japanese surf guitar can save us now!” http://youtu.be/WFLuKGuuojw

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) July 13, 2011

CNN.com: “Was the recession a good thing?” – I hope they ask the obvious follow up: “wasn’t it great when your grandma died?”

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) July 12, 2011

Things I’ve learned: You can’t use ‘maw’ and ‘jaw’ in the same sentence.

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) July 12, 2011

Skinner Co. Mgmt: Floor ten’s portal to a realm of nameless horror does have an upside – it’s hard to litigate against things you can’t name

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) July 11, 2011

Sunday Summary: Gnomish Climbers

Gentlemanly Gnome

Today marks the twentieth anniversary of the death of KITT, from Knight Rider, who was tragically killed in a Windows 3.1 upgrade crash.

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) July 8, 2011

CNN.com: “Astronaut-climber: ‘I am not a risk taker'”. Obviously. If they were, they’d be climbing something taller than astronauts.

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) July 8, 2011

GI Joe told us that “knowing was half the battle”, but he didn’t mention that the remainder involved years of police action and occupation.

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) July 7, 2011

Skinner Co. Staff: Restructuring rumours are true – the various Feline Depts. (Blue/Red/etc.) will be merged into a new subsidiary, Voltron.

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) July 7, 2011

Woke up suddenly yestereve. Glanced out window as I retrieved milk. Saw a fat raccoon being chased by a massive feral cat. Went back to bed.

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) July 6, 2011

Skinner Co. Accounting, re: Tomorrow’s team building session. Rod Wu wasn’t being passive-aggressive – he died in his cubicle, 3 days ago.

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) July 5, 2011

Skinner Co. Staff: The seminar on webinars will be held via teleconference – log-in info will be distributed via the pneumatic tube system.

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) July 5, 2011

Skinner Co. Bioengineering Dept.: We appreciate that “two heads are better than one,” but you’ve begat an abomination that must be destroyed

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) July 4, 2011

Sunday Walk (with Stroller)

Sunday Summary: Secret Tongues

Canada Day

Summer upside: room temperature coffee is actually still pretty warm.

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) July 2, 2011

Skinner Co. Staff – Re: Salary Increases. A video montage showcasing how hard you work is unlikely to persuade management.

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) June 30, 2011

CNN.com: “Turtles shut down runway at JFK” – not adding: “Crews may be hours in clearing obstructing pizza crusts, ninja robot wreckage.”

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) June 30, 2011

CNN Headline: “Nebraska plant: We’re not Fukushima” – For example, the sushi in Nebraska is terrible.

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) June 28, 2011

Skinner Co. : The 15th floor’s gravity is malfunctioning – as per “L. Richie v. Skinner Co.”, please avoid humming “Dancing On The Ceiling”

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) June 28, 2011

“Cat got your tongue?” is a cute question until you’ve got to ask it to a mangled lion tamer.

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) June 27, 2011

CNN Headline: “France’s secret weapon: Video games” – it makes more sense when combined with their secret defense: “France’s mom’s basement”

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) June 27, 2011

Today in 1987: Burger King concludes its “have it your way” ad campaign after Jeffrey Dahmer steps up to a Milwaukee franchise’s counter.

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) June 27, 2011

“Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes your doctor mandates a stay in a federal mental health institution.”

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) June 27, 2011

I love progress, but this much is true: my grandfather never had to run about like a panicked bonobo to locate his phone.

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) June 27, 2011

Sunday Summary: One-Eyed Vampire Hunter

Anytime anyone starts a statement with “It looks like it would be a nice day for..” I can’t help but mentally end it with “A WHITE WEDDING.”

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) June 25, 2011

Been sequestered in sub-basement w/ the dogs & Mr Eight. Mole-men lurking in shadows – may interrupt ladies’ cocktails w/ terrified screams.

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) June 25, 2011

The moment this work day is done I’m jumping through one of these office windows on a motorbike and making a run for freedom.

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) June 24, 2011

Who MD: Matt Smith is a rare disease doctor. His 1st diagnosis is always wrong, but dead patients get a 2nd chance via the Tardis.

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) June 24, 2011

True Blood Grit: In which Jeff Bridges plays a one-eyed vampire hunter who chases down undead-folk who can’t keep their clothing on.

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) June 24, 2011

Angry Marvin

Life in an RPG: How would you feel if a wispy looking fellow burst into your house, ransacked your cutlery drawer, then grabbed your wallet?

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) June 22, 2011

CNN Headline: “Demi and ‘Nepal’s Stolen Children'” – at least Winona stuck to simple shoplifting when her career started taking a dive.

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) June 21, 2011

Given the number of things I need to do today, my soundtrack is less “Chariots of Fire” and more “Benny Hill Theme”

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) June 21, 2011

Enjoying forcing the eights to carry me around in a palanquin.

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) June 19, 2011

Good morning! Have you had enough coffee!? I HAVE.

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) June 23, 2011

Roots

Sunday Summary: The Nature of Nature

Skinner Co. Staff: Due to advances made by the Time Travel & Telephone Box R&D Dept., Friday’s deadlines have been moved to last Wednesday.

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) June 13, 2011

I’m starting up a Canadian version of the BBC franchise; entitling it “Dr Whaaa?” He time travels in a Ford Fiesta. He has a robot beaver.

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) June 15, 2011

People keep telling me to make every day count – I can barely get them to talk, much less teach them math.

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) June 13, 2011

While Skinner Co. encourages webinars for training, an hour on chatroulette, in only a gorilla mask, does not count as “employee education”.

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) June 14, 2011

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood? If rodents could lob lumber, quotas would be the least of my worries

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) June 14, 2011

Isn’t Veggie Tales just teaching children to empathize with the salad that I already have a tough time convincing then to eat?

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) June 16, 2011

Note to self: invent new condiment.

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) June 15, 2011

Shady path

Sunday Summary: Ideas

Dr. Who product idea: Tardis Ale – it’s 2 liters of beer in a 375 ml bottle.

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) May 31, 2011

Snooki: that’s the British version of pool, right?

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) May 31, 2011

CNN Headline: “How college fails us” – my understanding was that they did it by first making us do tests, then grading those tests harshly.

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) June 4, 2011

Skinner Co. R&D Staff: Project Moonjuice biochemists, please report to observation room 948a. Shipping Dept.: Free grape drink in room 948b!

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) June 3, 2011

I need an extra arm, so that I might hold a third coffee.

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) June 3, 2011

Mr Mike Rowe-Foen

Skinner Co. Staff: Remember; the red line is for shipping, scarlet is for receivables, guests follow crimson, & rose indicates a fire hazard

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) June 2, 2011

Stomach bug – strong enough that, if this were the fifties, I’d accuse it of being a communist plot and convene a congressional committee.

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) June 2, 2011

New, from Skinner Co.: Nap-in-a-can! Coworkers too loud? There’s a can for that! Don’t think of it as chloroform – think of it as chloroFUN!

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) May 31, 2011

Skinner Co. Staff: Performance reviews begin Friday – please clearly label any cash-filled envelopes that you happen to forget in my office.

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) May 30, 2011

Just realized that these rarely-worn shoes make a great drumming sound on this flooring. Rest of office is less enthused with my discovery.

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) May 30, 2011

If they don't know, I'm not sure who would

Sunday Summary: A Day Late & A Pony Short

CNN Headline: “Gaga’s new album brings down Amazon” – frankly, I’m feeling a little bummed about it as well.

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) May 28, 2011

“Oh, you’ll talk, Wonder,” he said, pushing down the toaster’s plunger. #Breakfast

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) May 28, 2011

Someone appears to have misplaced their tiny pony

Skinner Co. Staff: While we encourage your steampunk endeavours – during your personal time – dueling is prohibited on company property.

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) May 26, 2011

Skinner Co. Staff: Our 20-story office is not a schoolyard – please stop asking Janitor Wilkins to retrieve your lost balls from the rooftop

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) May 25, 2011

Skinner Co. Staff: Despite the rumours, Bill from Maintenance wasn’t Raptured – he ruptured. His spleen, specifically. Please sign his card.

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) May 24, 2011

You can have my coffee when you pry it from my warm, trembling, hands.

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) May 27, 2011

“Call me MISTER Coffee.” – In The Heat Of The Java

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) May 25, 2011

“I have always depended on the kindness of coffee.” – A Mug Named Desire

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) May 25, 2011

Mr Eight snuck in a note; it addresses me as secret agent & includes diagrams for defeating “Operation: Metallic Man”. Well played, Monday.

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) May 23, 2011

Considering undertaking some “poor man’s time travel”. (AKA: a nap.)

— JRD Skinner (@JRDSkinner) May 24, 2011