'Av at 'er? Ugh.

This article about an Avatar 3-D pornographic rip-off has been making the rounds:

Hustler announces that its version of the environmentally themed blockbuster will be the company’s highest-budget production to date.

Director James Cameron has seen plenty of parodies of his science fiction film “Avatar”, but porn giant Hustler is the first to offer a take on the mega-blockbuster in three dimensions.

In a weird way, this will be an interesting test – historically, where pornography has gone, technology and art have followed. My money is still on 3D as a passing fad, but who knows, maybe cartoony, three-dimensional genitalia is where the technology really hits its stride.

They’ll need to overcome a major hurdle however: I can’t think of a single decent pun to sexualize the title ‘Avatar’.

Steam Launch

I don’t usually do photo posts, but while at the locks the other day we came across a couple of steam launches moored for a lay-over, and I snapped these with my iPhone:

Steam Launch #1

A little smaller than The African Queen, but still an amazing piece of work.

Steam Launch #2They seemed to have to periodically warm the boiler – unseen in these photos is the pile of wood they were carrying to feed the fire.

Steam Launch #3Look at all those valves; I’ve never had interest in buying a boat, but the shear level of fuss-pottery that seemed to be involved actually makes ownership of one of these tempting.

Pink Worm

The modsnake has always been a bit of a creepy robot – anything that can climb straight up a wall, while sounding like a bag full of baby birds, is bound to be nightmare fuel.

Still, stick it in a pink sack and you’ve gone to a whole new level of “Please, no.”

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26BG4_X9c74]

Flash Pulp 030 – Missing, A Mother Gran Story, Part 3 of 3

Welcome to Flash Pulp, Episode Thirty.

Flash PulpTonight’s tale: Missing, A Mother Gran Story, Part 3 of 3

(Part 1 – Part 2Part 3)

[audio:http://traffic.libsyn.com/skinner/FlashPulp030.mp3](Click play to listen or subscribe via libsyn RSS or iTunes)

Download MP3

This evening’s episode is brought to you by Mexican Wrestling.

Seriously, how awesome are those masks?

Flash Pulp is an experiment in broadcasting fresh pulp stories in the modern age – 400 to 600 words brought to you Monday, Wednesday and Friday evenings.

Tonight we present another chapter of our current Mother Gran serial. In this final installment, we are provided a glimpse into the motivations of our elderly, baby-snatching heroine.

Flash Pulp 030 – Missing, A Mother Gran Story, Part 3 of 3

Written by J.R.D. Skinner
Art and Narration by Opopanax
and Audio produced by Jessica May

The sun was slipping behind the hills to the west, when an excited Mickey Spokes pulled his buggy up short at the gate. Joren had seen the boy’s dusty plume approaching, and had altered his path back from the fields while fishing in his pocket for a handful of loose oats. As the farmhand stepped onto the lowest of the gate’s rungs, Thunder snuffled up the offered grains with flapping lips.

“I haven’t seen you this excited since your Ma found Old Man Pilfer and Dame Madison in the middle of misusing her outhouse.”

Mickey smiled.

“Nor since your senile Gran was found standing naked in the Humphrey’s kitchen, smiling and mumbling after crumb cakes.”

“Neither senility or hunger were at fault when it was your Father standing-”

“One of the Turner girls has gone missing.” Mickey said, his sudden interjection bringing a laugh out of Joren before the seriousness of the matter had settled into his ears. “Three-Leg Turner says a coyote must have come and snatched her in the night, right from her bed – but, Jeanie told the gathered women on The Loyalists’s veranda that she thought it more likely the babe awoke in the night, and wandered off on its own.”

“A picky coyote to have selected from such a menu, but aye, babes will walk,” Joren said, his fingers once again digging into his pocket.

“Ma says a woman ought to at least cry while telling such a tale, but given the unseasonably warm days and the long sleeves Jeanie has been seen to wear, Ma also thinks it may be the case that she’s already had reason enough to cry herself dry.”

“What of a search?”

“Constable Wills has gathered as many upright citizens as he might, and they pound the thickets as we speak – I myself am part of the effort, having ranged ahead with Thunder here, to see if the child might not be walking some back lane.”

“More like you’ve been wandering up and down the roads telling tales. At least if any you leave in your wake should see the girl, they’ll know not to take it for a forest-ling,” Jory told the truth with a smile, a trait Mickey had always found hard to anger at.

“I should be about my business,” the boy said, taking hold of the reins.

He stopped short, placing a hand above his brow with exaggeration. “Hark, could yonder form be the missing girl? Nay, wait, it seems to me to be the lovely form of your cousin Ella.”

Joren threw the remaining oats at Mickey as the boy cracked the leads with a laugh.

* * *

Amongst the silent hay, the two women sat on either side of the serving tray, their legs crossed.

Gran had waited until the Spokes boy had roared from the gate before making her way down the long cow path to the barn. Balancing the platter with teapot, a bowl of honey, and two cups, she’d used her free hand to climb the steep rungs to the loft, all with such silence that her guest was startled to see the steaming service rising up from the ladder’s gap.

The tray itself was a finely crafted slab of maple, its edges flourished with a motif on each side: Dragon, Fish, Monkey and Goat.

Mother Gran served as the mousy woman fussed at the sleeping child in her arms.

“The same hands that coaxed her into that bed will eventually knock her out of it, mark my words. It may not be long afore its Jeanie herself lying up in this hayloft.” The old woman dipped a spoonful of honey into the steaming cup, stirring slowly. “Still, his fourth wife, and yet you’re the first I’ve heard to ask of her babe – and lucky in your case that it was but one. Return now to your dentist in the north, and speak not of this unless the need be true.”

The women talked a while longer, until, as night settled, Joren left the gate, turning his mules northward. From amongst his load of hay came the sigh and hush of a mother’s love reclaimed.

Flash Pulp is presented by http://skinner.fm. The audio and text formats of Flash Pulp are released under the Canadian Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 2.5 License.

Theme Music

[youtube_sc url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zBIqLqUenz0]

I got a request to clarify the name of one of the theme songs we’ve been using – so, I thought, if it’s worth doing, it’s worth over-doing. Here’s a complete list of themes we’ve used, with links to downloads where available:

FlashPulp Theme: Paul Whiteman With Johnny Hauser – Gloomy Sunday

Mother Gran: Dock Boggs – Pretty Polly (From Wikipedia: The song is a murder ballad, telling of a young woman lured into the forest where she is killed and buried in a shallow grave. Many variants [Mostly those that stick closer to the traditional British tune – JRD] of the story have the villain as a ship’s carpenter who promises to marry Polly but murders her when she becomes pregnant. When he goes back to sea, he is haunted by her ghost, confesses to the murder, goes mad and dies.)

Mulligan Smith: Harry A. Yerkes Dance Orchestra – Mystery

Thomas Blackhall: Hanafins – Bantry Bay (Hornpipe) (The Wikipedia: The [Irish] town of Bantry, at the head of the bay, is associated with the Irish Rebellion of 1798 as being the place where an earlier attempt to land launch a rebellion was made by a French fleet, including Wolfe Tone in December 1796.)

Joe Monk: The Edison Concert Band – Hot Time March

Fictional Science: Elektro\Ulysses Vibraphonic – Moebius March

Chiller: Berkes Bela – Hej Cigany Hallod E

Ray Charles’

[youtube_sc url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j8xImJxG9gA]

Sarah McLachlan’s

[youtube_sc url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sbsg_lqqKxk]

Bjork’s

[youtube_sc url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kr7PtJAesA8]

Heather Nova’s

[youtube_sc url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kUh8VCDOt2Y]

Taxidermy Death Panel

From Weird Mystery #12:
Panel from Weird Mystery #12

When I first read this to Mr Seven-Year-Old, we were both confused. After I explained taxidermy to him, one of us was still pretty confused – fun and profit? Leaving aside the ‘fun’ part, did I miss the days of the great Kentucky Taxidermy Rush?

Should I consider investing in raccoons?

It bothered me so much I actually stepped up to google, which, as always, was stranger than the funny pages:

This lens was created using material from the book all taxidermists should have

Home Taxidermy for Pleasure and Profit
A Guide for those who wish to prepare
and mount animals, birds, fish,
reptiles, etc., for home, den,
or office decoration
By Albert B. Farnham, Taxidermist

This book is the complete a-z of how to taxidermyfrom home, you can purchase the book in ebook format for only $ 4.99 using this link Buy Now All purcases are processed through Paypal’s secure servers. Read through the lens to find out what the book has to offer. your purchase comes with a 60 day money back guarantee.

Not only did I find reference to a book entitled “Home Taxidermy for Pleasure and Profit”, I found a website that teaches taxidermy by ripping off the tome in question.

The next related site involved transsexuals wearing dead rats as lingerie though, so I figured it was time to end the inquiry.

(Google “transratfashion” if your curiosity runs that way – I ain’t linkin’ it. Definitely NSFW.)

Flash Pulp 029 – Missing, A Mother Gran Story, Part 2 of 3

Welcome to Flash Pulp, Episode Twenty-Nine.

Flash PulpTonight’s tale: Missing, A Mother Gran Story, Part 2 of 3

(Part 1 – Part 2 – Part 3)

[audio:http://traffic.libsyn.com/skinner/FlashPulp029.mp3](Click play to listen or subscribe via libsyn RSS or iTunes)

Download MP3

This episode is brought to you by Maytunes.com.

Come and join Jessica May on her musical expedition to tame the primal c-chord, and master the mystic arts of the digital audio workstation.

That’s Maytunes.com

Flash Pulp is an experiment in broadcasting fresh pulp stories in the modern age – 400 to 600 words brought to you Monday, Wednesday and Friday evenings.

Tonight we present the second entry in our current Mother Gran serial. In this chapter, we learn how it is Gran came to her canine predicament.

Flash Pulp 029 – Missing, A Mother Gran Story, Part 2 of 3

Written by J.R.D. Skinner
Art and Narration by Opopanax
and Audio produced by Jessica May

The night before the long run from Turner’s hounds, Mother Gran had slowly come awake, a well timed pint of apple cider, and her aging bladder, ensuring her the early alarm.

She dressed by the moonlight that filtered through the window, bent low to kiss Henry, and slipped from their room.

Gran had spent the better part of sunset collecting fireflies from the wheat fields and ditches, entrapping them in a glass bottle, the exterior of which was rounded, to emulate the form of a raspberry. Tipping up the edge of the cheesecloth she’d laid across the container’s opening, she cast her breath into the jar, the breeze stirring the gathered bugs within. Amongst the loose grasses she’d sprinkled inside, a multitude of pinpoint stars began to pulse and glow.

With a quick hand she exchanged the cloth for a lid, atop which, a worn wooden rod projected. After tightening down the cover, she gave the bottle a gentle turn, righting it so that she now held a torch with a berry-bulb in place of flame.

The walk was a slow one, as Gran reckoned it better to risk only when necessary, and never before. She held to the animal tracks and hunt trails, occasionally leaving the broken paths entirely, her sixty-eight years of memory calling up routes long overgrown.

It was no small distance, and her shadow had drifted through the tall grasses of many meadows before she reached her goal.

When she’d finally intersected Puddle Lane, she took her bearings and began to tread south – time was becoming short and she knew there was little chance of encountering even the most drag-heeled of Sarah Melbain’s tavern patrons.

She came to a gap in the windbreak of trees, and spent a time observing the shuttered cabin nestled within.

Shucking her muck covered dress, she hung it upon a branch at the head of the cart-path marking the homestead’s entrance. Eying the dipping moon, she separated her torch’s halves, the captives within eagerly taking wing into the night air.

Gran was no longer as muscled as she’d been at forty, but even at sixty-eight she could give her youngest grandchild, Joren, a tough arm-wrestling – no small feat given that the lad was sixteen, and a dervish during the harvest.

Without the rustle of her hems to betray her, she crept through the shadowed dooryard, her passage as silent as a sparrow’s wings.

With a damp finger she’d taken the breeze, ensuring she would stay downwind of the pair of mountainous wolf hounds that slept noisily by the shack, yet still her flesh prickled with each dream twitch and wheezing yowl.

With an eye on the snoring guards, she pushed gently upon the wooden planks of the shanty’s entry, steeling herself against any encounter.

Luck was with her, and the door swung silently under the hum of nocturnal insects.

What she found within was a darkened interior, not unlike many such of the area. A large central room housed a dozen sleepers. In a far corner stood a rough hewn table, and opposite, a wood stove whose fuel had run empty for the evening.

She’d carried ten babes of her own, an even count of five of each, and in her final days of pregnancy, she’d been old enough that no schoolboy would mistake to call her anything but Ma’am. She doubted that the slight frame of Mrs. Jeanie Turner could have lied her age up to ten-and-eight, yet there the girl slept at the center of the room, in the marriage bed of William Turner, a sea of mattresses and makeshift cots snoring about her.

Gran’s feet had trained at the cradles of her own brood, and without noise they carried her through a closer inspection of the room – a blond baby who snorted with each breath; a brown-haired girl in pigtails, her arms wrapped about a doll carrying the scars of many a hasty mending; the sunburned face of the eldest, Burton, who she knew to scrap with any Sunday School classmate that dared to speak against his family.

With patience and a steady nerve, the old woman’s search led her to her prize. She lifted the toddler from the dresser drawer that acted as his crib, her bird-hands tightening his gray blanket against the cold.

There was an anxious moment as she opened the door to a steadily brightening horizon, but she found the dogs still prone at their station.

Her feet were wet with dew by the time she re-took the road. Locating a plush mat of grass, she set the infant down and quickly re-dressed.

She’d covered a country mile before the bundle stirred, its eyes fluttering open to meet her own.

“No?” the boy asked.

“Shush now,” Gran replied, smiling down at him.

“No!” the boy said, his eyes filling with panic.

He began to wail.

Reflex told her free hand to take up her hem, even as her head turned to scrutinize the road behind.

In the dawn light, two dirty-gray points came streaking from amongst the trees, turning to trace her route without slowing.

Lowering the child’s blanket across its face, she brought the sobbing infant to her chest and began to run.

As she gathered speed, the bawling ceased, and her feet were lightened to hear her burden begin to coo.

Flash Pulp is presented by http://skinner.fm. The audio and text formats of Flash Pulp are released under the Canadian Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 2.5 License.