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References

Original photo for Rockwell's "The Runaway"
Original photo for Rockwell's "The Runaway"

I’m still recovering from yesterday’s stomach bug, and the majority of my energy is being dedicated to tonight’s Flash Pulp, but I wanted to pop in and share two fantastic research-resources I’ve encountered.

Hungry Monster’s listing of restaurant diner lingo provides some of the best industry-patter I’ve run across.

A sampling:

Gentleman will take a chance: Hash

Radio: A tuna-fish-salad sandwich on toast punning on “tuna down,” which sounds like “turn it down,” as one would the radio knob.

Zeppelins in a fog: Sausages in mashed potatoes.
Zeppellin Over New YorkWhat could possibly be more amusing? How about Wikipedia’s list of slang terms for police officers.

Asfalt Kovboyu (Asphalt Cowboy): Turkish, slang, relates the modern police officers to cowboys. Police officers are called cowboys in Turkey, due to their lawless acts

Cinder Dick: An old term for railroad police detective, derived from the detective having to walk on the railroad ballast rock, also known as “cinders”

Krawężnik: Polish, from “curb”, designating an officer patrolling the neighbourhood on foot.

Beat Cop

Flash Pulp Schedule, etc.

I hate to say it, but tonight’s episode is going to be delayed until tomorrow. I’ve picked up a fantastically angry stomach bug from Mr or Ms Eight, and the three of us have been reduced to moaning heaps.

In the mean time, please enjoy another bit of musical intermixing, as left in the comments for yesterday’s mash-up roundup by H.

Lennox vs Bowie – No More Pressure
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wc2cQyTT9u4]

Boil 'em, Mash 'em, Stick 'em in a Stew

Just a quick post to share a couple of mash-up music videos that I discovered via Scott Johnson’s The Morning Stream.

First up, LL Cool J vs Dexy’s Midnight Runners in Knock Out Eileen:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ejuMfZdkM2o]

– then a chaser of The Jackson 5 vs Nirvana with Smells Like Rockin’ Robin:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JNUTYHJrutw]

Update: Classy fellow, and man about town, BMJ2k of Mr Blog’s Tepid Ride, added another suggestion in the comments, and I feel like it should be added to this bit of mash-hash: AC/DC vs Ghostbusters – Thunder Busters.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jiH1wNmZTII]

Any other suggestions?

Robotic Slap Fight

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VL0aiQAm4RU]

This is a bot out of the University of Pennsylvania, although they apparently received some insight from my favourite of the rock-star roboticist firms, Boston Dynamics.

It doesn’t look like it would last long if placed in a fighting arena against some of the Battlebots of yore, but you’ve got to keep in mind that, in the real world, combat doesn’t take place on a custom built, perfectly level, playing field.
BattlebotsMost of the comments I’ve seen related to this little beast have suggested that it would be useful as some sort of spying device – that wasn’t what popped into my mind at first viewing, however.

Remember that post I wrote regarding the use of trained dogs to attack tanks? This seems like a much simpler delivery system, and one that won’t be scared away by gunfire.

I have a theory that, once lasers reach a certain level of power and can be effectively used to keep our skies clean of aircraft, and once robot drones can be used to automagically take out heavily fortified vehicles, we’ll be back to the bad old days of World War I, cowering in ditches and hoping for trench-foot.

– or, maybe we’ll end up with giant snakes formed of Indian terminators that utilize AK-47s as a tongue:
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=svOlz2ei4Yk]
(Hat tip to Warren Ellis for the clip.)

Flash Pulp 122 – Mulligan Smith and The Custodian, Part 1 of 1

Welcome to Flash Pulp, episode one hundred and twenty-two.

Flash Pulp

Tonight we present, Mulligan Smith and The Custodian, Part 1 of 1

[audio:http://traffic.libsyn.com/skinner/FlashPulp122.mp3]Download MP3
(RSS / iTunes)

 

This week’s episodes are brought to you by the free audio-novella, Boiling Point.

Find out more at http://neilcolquhoun.com

 

Flash Pulp is an experiment in broadcasting fresh pulp stories in the modern age – three to ten minutes of fiction brought to you Monday, Wednesday and Friday evenings.

Tonight, Mulligan Smith, PI, finds himself in a principal’s office for the first time since his youth.

 

Flash Pulp 122 – Mulligan Smith and The Custodian, Part 1 of 1

Written by J.R.D. Skinner
Art and Narration by Opopanax
and Audio produced by Jessica May

 

Mulligan hadn’t been inside a principal’s office since the age of fourteen, when he’d been on the receiving end of Christopher Nelson’s fist. This particular office wasn’t that different than the one he’d last been in, it seemed to contain the same bookshelf, the same wilted houseplant, and the same battered carpet. Even the whitewashed cement block walls felt all too familiar.

“You understand that this isn’t something I usually do,” Principal Philips was saying. Her suit was prim, if a little old, and there was a red button with yellow text exclaiming “Read, Dang It!”, pinned to her lapel.

Smith nodded, and she continued.

“I mean, we do a police check when they sign on, to be sure they aren’t a sex offender, and Jackson’s record is spotless. Normally I’d never consider bringing in a private investigator – honestly, you’re the first one I’ve ever met.”

“Not that I’m ungrateful for the money,” Mulligan replied, “but, if Mr Evans is only part time, why not just fire him?”

“Well – it’s simply that he’s so good at it. He manages to accomplish about the same, in a few hours on the weekend, as what old Kevin gets done in three days of trundling around behind his cart,” as she paused, she tapped her nose with her index finger, “- and, besides, he works for almost nothing. Frankly, it’s the budget money he’s saved that’s allowing me to hire you. Really, it’s not even like he’s done anything wrong, he’s just – he’s odd.”

* * *

The situation became increasingly complicated as Mulligan began poking around.

It required almost no effort to determine that Evans had a day job as a cosmetic surgeon, and an expensive one. His clients left enthusiastic comments on his website, and his work had been featured repeatedly in the local paper – usually relating to pro bono work he’d carried out on an underprivileged burn victim.

Smith also hit upon an article naming Jackson Evans, MD, in a “win a date with a local eligible bachelor” charity auction. The PI had wondered aloud what such an apparently driven, and well off, fellow was doing single at the age of forty-eight.

Mulligan’s attempt at calling the organization for a new client in-take exam was politely refused with an offer to add his contact info to the extensive waiting list. If there was a line up for the operating room, it seemed unlikely that the doctor was carrying on his weekend work for the extra pay, and, if money was out, the motivations shrank to sex, drugs, power, or revenge.

He preferred when it was money.

* * *

After two wasted weekends of passive observation, Smith decided it was time for a conversation. He tracked Evans down in a third grade classroom, where the man was sitting in silence, with glassy eyes, on a chair intended for an eight-year-old.

“Reminiscing about the old days?” asked Mulligan.

As he waited for a reply, he kept a lock on the man’s pupils, and wondered if the blank look might be an indication of an unsavory addiction.

Clearing his throat, the doctor stood and tucked the yellow plastic chair under the desk at which he’d been resting.

“I was just taking a moment – I’m about done my shift.” The janitor collected himself. “Are you one of the parents? I haven’t seen you around the school before. Do you have permission to be here? I’m sorry, but only authorized personnel are allowed on the premises during weekends.”

“Mrs. Philips is aware of my presence.” Internally, Mulligan chided himself for allowing the janitor to pull rank, then made a move to retake the conversational high-ground. “I’m actually here to ask you a few questions. Consider it an employee satisfaction survey, Jackson.”

“Fine,” replied Evans.

Every response was dispensed in the same flat tone, and Smith began to understand what the Principal had meant by odd – it wasn’t that he was eccentric, it was simply that the man was utterly humourless.

“Please don’t take this the wrong way, but why are you working here?”

“Why does anyone work anywhere?”

“Well, Dr. Evans, mostly they do it for the money.”

The interviewee raised an eyebrow at the mention of his alternate occupation.

“Is there something wrong with the fact that I have another job?”

“No, but it does bring me back to what I was inquiring: why are you wiling away your Saturdays trawling the primary yard for rotting apple cores, and changing out fluorescent bulbs, instead of cutting open middle-aged housewives with poor self esteem?”

“For love.”

“Love?” Smith asked, mentally weighing the need to file a police report. “Love of the job?”

“No, the love of the boy who sits at this desk.”

Mulligan sighed.

“Uh, care to explain?”

“I’ve worked long hours my entire life. I thought I was doing what was best, really, but when Kayli asked for a divorce, I knew exactly what she’d say: that I was always busy, always preoccupied. I apologized, but she didn’t care by then, she wanted cash – and Jayce. The lawyer she hired was good enough to get her both.”

The PI interrupted the account with an exclamation which immediately felt inappropriate, given his surroundings.

“Sorry, continue,” he said.

“Custody’s pretty stringent. I get to see Jayce once a month, and alternating birthdays. Instead, I come here, and work myself raw so that I can have a few moments to stare at his blotchy paintings,” Evans motioned towards a wall of airplane pictures carried out in bright primary colours. “- or to linger at his desk and wonder if he ever sits there thinking about me.”

As Evans turned to hide the tears draining down his cheeks, Mulligan retreated from the room. His final report, combined with Principal Philips’ budgetary concerns, would ensure the custodian his position for as long as he wanted it.

 

Flash Pulp is presented by http://skinner.fm, and is released under the Canadian Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 2.5 License. Text and audio commentaries can be sent to skinner@skinner.fm, or the voicemail line at (206) 338-2792 – but be aware that it may appear in the FlashCast.

– and thanks to you, for reading. If you enjoyed the story, tell your friends.

Questionable CNN

When CNN finds itself confused, I step in to help.
Will Congress heed Obama's call? – because, seriously, he’s been phoning non-stop for something like two years now, and they usually just let it go to voicemail.

Will Egypt follow Tunisia's lead?I believe so, I’ve heard that Tunisia is an excellent dancer.
I think this is really derived from a dissatisfaction with repetition. Let’s can the symphonic work and get something fresh out there – Daft Punk, for example, did an amazing job on the Tron: Legacy soundtrack.

Botox? Wine bars? 13 unusual perksDespite CNN’s repeated attempts at playing matchmaker, I continue to refuse Meg Ryan’s proposal of marriage.

Baseball's first $300 million man?Finally, something sports related that I can get excited about – bring on the cyborgs!

Lithopedion

Warning: This post discusses items relating to Flash Pulp 121, and definitely contains spoilers. If you haven’t listened to the episode, but intend to, skip the content below.
Chiseling Baby SculptureI just wanted to follow up the last Blackhall with a quick note about the reality of the unpleasant situation in question.

Quotes are from the wikipedia:

A lithopedion, or stone baby, is a rare phenomenon which occurs most commonly when a fetus dies during an abdominal pregnancy, is too large to be reabsorbed by the body, and calcifies on the outside, shielding the mother’s body from the dead tissue of the baby and preventing infection.

I’ve opted not to post the related photos, as they’re easy enough to find via a Google image search should you be so inclined – but, be forewarned: it isn’t a pleasant sight.

The condition was first described in a treatise by the physician Albucasis in the 10th century AD, but fewer than 300 cases have been noted in 400 years of medical literature.

We Posts Stuffs

I don’t usually rail against other people’s grammar, but I found this tweet a little ridiculous.
CuresA few country blocks from our old house, there was a large sign set at the edge of some entrepreneur’s lawn. The beast was made of spray paint and plywood, and proudly announced that “We Cuts Grass” – I wouldn’t hire them, either.

Flash Pulp 121 – Spook: a Blackhall Tale, Part 1 of 1

Welcome to Flash Pulp, episode one hundred and twenty-one.

Flash Pulp

Tonight we present, Spook: a Blackhall Tale, Part 1 of 1

[audio:http://traffic.libsyn.com/skinner/FlashPulp121.mp3]Download MP3
(RSS / iTunes)

 

This week’s episodes are brought to you by the free audio-novella, Boiling Point.

Find out more at http://neilcolquhoun.com

 

Flash Pulp is an experiment in broadcasting fresh pulp stories in the modern age – three to ten minutes of fiction brought to you Monday, Wednesday and Friday evenings.

Tonight, Thomas Blackhall tells of a haunting from his youth, as he experienced it.

 

Flash Pulp 121 – Spook: a Blackhall Tale, Part 1 of 1

Written by J.R.D. Skinner
Art and Narration by Opopanax
and Audio produced by Jessica May

 

Thomas Blackhall collapsed against an aspen at the edge of an open meadow, fatigue drawing him under, even as the noon-day sun blazed overhead. When he awoke, he found himself in the center of a half-circle comprised of a dozen children, all staring at him intently, by the light of the sagging moon.

They demanded to be entertained.

“A spook story!” the shortest shouted.

“No. Not a made up bit about ghosts,” broke in their leader, who’d obviously been nominated by his height, “a living one; a true one.”

With a shrug, Thomas rubbed at his eyes and straightened his posture.

“Listen, and I shall tell you a tale of both the living, and the dead.

“At the age of ten, my father began taking me to see his family in London, once yearly, for my birthday. Until then I’d never experienced the flurry of city streets and markets, and my eye was constantly wandering over those I thought of as greatly privileged to live amongst such wondrous sights. During my first journey, as we dismounted our carriage and walked the length of houses to my Aunt’s, we passed a pregnant beggar woman, her hands extended and her face pious. Without thought, my father produced an assortment of coins and placed them in her upturned palms. She appeared very pleased at his generosity.

“The strangeness began upon the next anniversary of my birthday, when, while retracing our route, the same beggar-ess stood at the corner. On this occasion as well, her womb bulged. Father repeated his act of kindness, seemingly oblivious to the duplication of the previous trip, but, as we moved out of the woman’s hearing, I joggled his elbow.

““She’s still pregnant, a year later!” I said, with all the naivete of a boy of eleven.

“My father, red creeping into his face at the prospect of explaining birthing intervals, changed the subject.”

For a moment, Thomas’ stomach interrupted his telling, responding loudly to its empty state. The children seemed to ripple and waiver before his eyes, and he ran his coat over his brow, wiping sweat from his fevered skin.

With an embarrassed grin, he continued.

“On the third year, Mother was too ill to have us depart, but, on the next, we once again made the expedition. As Pa conducted necessary business, my aunt turned me loose upon the market that held court at the northern edge of her block. With enough jingle in my pocket to keep me in jellied eels for the afternoon, I was left to roam with only the restriction that I should stay within a rigorous set of boundaries, the names of which flew from my mind as quickly as Aunt Charity could recite them.

“As I walked the streets of my approximated travel allowance, I came across a boy of my own age, his father churning away at a portable organ as the lad coaxed a small mutt through a repertoire of antics and athletics. I stood watching as long as my eel-coin held out, but, as the grinder began the third repetition of his barrel, his look was becoming one of expectancy, and my bankroll was exhausted. In truth I’d fallen in love with the white and black entertainer, and, as a boy of fourteen will, I was internally attempting to devise a method by which I might make the dog mine.

“Casting about for an excuse to linger, my mind came upon the oddity of the pregnant beggar, whom I proceeded to ask about.

““Well – there’s no shortage ‘round here of those who can’t keep their knees together, if that’s what you mean to imply, young master – but if its Pregnant Polly you’re looking for, she spends most of her time these days in The Miller’s tap room, just a ways down the lane.” He pointed in its direction.

“I hadn’t expected such a definitive response, and so, with a last longing look at the dancing canine, I felt compelled to follow the provided instructions.

“It was a short walk, and easy to spot Polly through the foggy glass – as there were no other pregnant women in the establishment with tankards of ale held in both hands.

“Funnily enough, it was the dog that held my thoughts in the days after. I didn’t think on the woman again until one night while casting lies into the fire with a gathering of my fellow countrymen. I was homesick, and they were weaving tales of the streets of their youths, stories I took in in a sentimental fashion, at least until the name of Pregnant Polly revived my long dormant memory.

“I can not remember the teller’s name, but I do recall the twisted smirk upon his face as he recounted the woman’s life.

“”She was with bairn at sixteen,” he said, “but it would never arrive, though she looked forever in her final month. At the age of eighteen, still unmarried, and perennially bulging, she was little wanted in her parent’s household, and she was set upon the streets. Unable to make a living, even as a bang-tail , she quickly turned to fleecing tourists in London markets. In truth, who would not find some coin for a beggared mother-to-be? Anyhow, her fame grew such that, when she finally drank herself into an early grave, they cut her open, and inside was a babe: one made of stone. The doctor said it had somehow mummified within her, a situation that was rare, but not unheard of, amongst the pages of his medical texts.”

“So it was that Pregnant Polly was forced to wander the streets, the living ghost of a mother that never was, with the corpse of her child haunting her every step.”

Blackhall fell silent then, awaiting a response from his audience. Without a word, each turned on their own time, and began to wander into the deep brush from whence he’d come. As the last reached the clearing’s edge, he seemed to fade into dissipating moonlight, even as dawn touched the horizon.

It was another hour before Thomas rose, and another day’s travel before he encountered civilization, where he collapsed into a month’s sick bed at his prolonged starvation. He would never be sure if the encounter had been in any way real, or nothing but the byproduct of his hasty consumption of tainted mushrooms during his desperate search for food.

 

Flash Pulp is presented by http://skinner.fm, and is released under the Canadian Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 2.5 License. Text and audio commentaries can be sent to skinner@skinner.fm, or the voicemail line at (206) 338-2792 – but be aware that it may appear in the FlashCast.

– and thanks to you, for reading. If you enjoyed the story, tell your friends.

Thuggee

Thuggee Cult in The Temple Of DoomHey, remember those crazy cultists from The Temple Of Doom, the ones who lived in a mine somehow secretly attached to the royal palace?

Those fellows were supposed to represent the Thuggee Cult, an actual group once found in India.

According to the Guinness Book of Records the Thuggee cult was responsible for approximately 2,000,000 deaths, while British historian Dr. Mike Dash estimates that they killed 50,000 persons in total, based on his assumption that they only started to exist 150 years before their eradication in the 1830s. – wikipedia

While many religious motivations were ascribed to the Thuggees when the British first began to colonize India, it’s now generally accepted that the group was founded with one goal in mind: the collection of wealth.

It was only later that internal legends, superstition, and the fraternity of a practiced trade, which you’ll find in any large bandit organization – I’m looking at you, Mafia/Yakuza/Goldman Sachs – began to take hold.

While Guinness’ death count is likely exaggerated, the truth of Thuggee operations was not a pleasant one:

When tackling a large group, a Thuggee band might disperse along a route and join a group in stages, concealing their acquaintanceship, such that they could come to outnumber their intended victims by small, non-threatening increments. If the travelers had doubts about any one party, they might confide their worries to another party of the same Thuggee band. The trusted band would thus be the best placed to deal with these members of the caravan at the appropriate time, but might also be able to advise their colleagues to ‘back off’ or otherwise modify their behavior, to allay suspicion. – wikipedia

How do you silently slaughter an entire caravan without raising an alarm?

Elbow grease, team work, and a solid bit of rope.

The timing might be at night or during a rest-break, when the travelers would be busy with chores and when the background cries and noise would mask any sounds of alarm. A quick and quiet method, which left no stains and required no special weapons, was strangulation. This method is particularly associated with Thuggee and led to the Thugs also being referred to as the Phansigars, or “noose-operators”, and simply as “stranglers” by British troops. – wikipedia

Of course, Indy wasn’t the first attempt to replicate the Thuggees on film:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Qc92iI-Sig]

There’s something about the way they would insinuate themselves into the group that I find almost more disturbing than the murders themselves.

Imagine, if you will, riding a bus through the rougher parts of town. You’re nervous, but you take some solace in the smiling faces of the ragged looking folk that mount the metal steps at every stop.

One of the new arrivals even asks you for the time.

Then, three blocks before your own destination, in a deserted end of town, it happens: as the driver is waiting out a red light, half of the vehicle’s occupants rise up, garrotes in hand, and you suddenly feel the choke of wire about your neck.

In moments, and with your personal articles filling their pockets, the smiling vagrants abandon the transport, once again taking up positions in the plexiglass shelters that dot the bus route.
Temple Of Doom Heart Scene