Wonder Years

I’m mostly posting this for the lovely Jessica, since she can’t stand being made to feel bad by other people’s awkwardness.

This was one of the earliest memes I remember covering the internet from end to end – I seem to recall it was also one of the first to be set to music, although that music now seems to be lost. This was first a tripod page, where the video’s only image was also taken from. The site would automatically begin playing a looping wav file of the poor little bugger, a wav file which was later ripped down and sent around seperately.

Mike Blount – the kid in question – has unsurprisingly been unable to avoid the internet for the rest of his life, and thus has had to accept his early stardom and even parlay it into his own later-life blog.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ge7mozA-ptI]

There was, in a sense, a happy ending to all of this – Mike eventually realized he didn’t even want a future girlfriend, what he wanted was a future boyfriend.

Sports Illustrated

UghListen: I don’t get the swimsuit issue. You get 12 months a year of sweaty homo-erotic stick and ball handlers, then you get one issue of half-dressed ladies.

When I was a boy at Catholic grade school, I recall many of the lads flipping pages of ye olde National Geographic looking for the indigenous boobies –  is Sports Illustrated the equivalent for middle aged men carrying on dispassionate marriages, too constrained by the bounds of civility and upbringing to go out and buy a playboy? The softest of core brought into the house under the cover of respectable football player ogling?

Knifin' 2: Electric Boogaloo

Shock Knife

Apparently rubber knives are out with the police.

Now when they train to deal with a switchblade carrying jacked-up ’70s hooligan wearing bell bottoms, they utilize The Shock Knife – essentially a plastic handle with an electrified “blade”. Supposedly the shock knife doesn’t injure, it just hurts. That doesn’t make me feel better about the fact that their most prevalent PR image looks like a sexual predator version of Halo’s Master Chief though.

Master Chief

Here’s a brief youtube video of a curtain training to defend itself against stab attack:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xoc-t63A7zc]

pulpy fiction

This may end up coming down shortly, as it’s quite a random bit of work, but we’ll see when I’ve got more time on my hands to think about it.

It was a public place, but a private booth. The old man had visited this McDonald’s every day for nearly three years. His heart was bad, so he rarely ate any of the grease that came over the counter, but he’d relatively acclimatised himself to the coffee, and he enjoyed the occasional muffin.

Well – in truth he hated the cheap food, the cheap coffee and the cheap seating, but in the mornings it was relatively quiet and he missed being around people.

The newspaper lay dead on the table, split open and forgotten, a few rogue caffeine causing inky blots amongst the paragraphs.

The day’s news had been left when the lanky youth in the black hoodie dropped himself onto the booth’s opposite bench, interrupting the old man’s two-sugar-two-milk dessert.

“Mr Tenetti?” the interloper said, unzipping his sweater.

“Who are you?” Tenetti replied, giving his thick gray moustache a quick rub to shake loose any bran crumbs that might remain.

“It’s funny, if you ask enough people if they are who they are, you start to notice patterns. People only respond with a question of their own if they are in fact that actual person, so, it’s nice to meet you Mr Tenetti, my name is Mulligan Smith.”

“Mulligan?” The old man’s eyes panned around the room while he talked. “Is that your actual name or a nickname? Isn’t a mulligan a do-over in golf?”

“My Dad’s name was John Smith, and he hated how generic it sounded. He also happened to love the PGA tour.”

“I see, I see.” The old man’s search came up empty, and he sank into the vinyl cushion. “How can I help you?”

“Well, first you can stop looking for a guy to hit me with a wrench. Most of the folks in here look like they’re just trying to have a quick Saturday breakfast, not watch a man beaten to death. Secondly, I thought you were supposed to be a clean man since your stroke?”

The old man coughed.

“Yes… well, I’ve heard many stories of the man I was supposed to be before my episode – occasionally from people who drop in on me unexpectedly, without invitation, and frankly, without the best of intentions.”

“Ahh, well, there’s where you’ve got me pegged wrong. It’s my job to show up unexpected and without invitation, but in this instance I have nothing but the best of intentions.” Mulligan reached into his sweater, pulled a thick envelope from an interior pocket.

“Just what is your job?”

“Private investigator mostly, although at the moment I’m moonlighting as a pediatrician.”

He slid the package across the table.

“Congratulations! It’s a girl! Hope you know a good lawyer.”

“What?”

Mulligan stood, zipped his hoodie.

“Tenetti, you may conveniently not recall a couple of decades before your stroke, but in Miami there’s a single Mom who sure remembers you – and the amount of money you made.”

So Sweet, So Cold, So Fair

Bogart apparently used to say that the Academy Awards were rigged, that to make judging fair every actor and actress should have to play Hamlet.

Which isn’t to say that I use it as some sort of competitive rating system, but I’ve had a long love affair with the song “St. James Infirmary Blues”, largely because of the difference in style each musician brings to the classic.

From the wikipedia:

“St. James Infirmary Blues” is based on an 18th century traditional English folk song called “The Unfortunate Rake” (also known as “The Unfortunate Lad” or “The Young Man Cut Down in His Prime”). There are numerous versions of the song throughout the English-speaking world.

The first I was familiar with was actually the Cab Calloway version:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DBk3jwNSteo]

It wasn’t long after that though that I stumbled into the most famous version, Louis Armstrong’s, with that long low note in the opening:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fvr7nkd_IJM]

Eric Burdon and the Animals bring a White-guy-blues melodrama angle, but in my opinion the backup vocals take a lot of the fun out of it:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sED6htTHBmo]

Joe Cocker does a nice job of giving it that ’70s blues twist:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=luy1cmbQjBw]

Jack White of The White Stripes belts out my favourite modern rendition:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ArS_et9gX-0]

In the end though, it’s tough to beat the simplicity and lyrical embellishment of Danny Barker’s version:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hek2KQcD8_M]

Sarah Silverman

Sarah SilvermanI caught Sarah Silverman on Letterman last night. I’m thinking this is about the greatest height her career can reach, and I’ll be glad when she slides away into obscurity.

The first time I saw the awkward-making she calls comedy I thought it was interesting – as a single bit. The truth is though, you can’t create a memorable multi-decade career with such one note material, ask Carrot Top or Gallagher or Yakoff Smirnoff.

I do think it’s worth mentioning though, because her character represents something of a demarcation point.

In the same way that Andrew Dice Clay’s (brief) fame was made on the backlash to the ’80s image of strong women in positions of corporate and political power, combined with the general ’90s societal movement towards Political Correctness, Silverman’s career is made on the dying gasps of the notion that women are either saints or sluts, with no shades of gray.

Certainly important ground to unhallow, but her point is lost when the humour is out of it – and currently it’s like she’s held on to a single Sacha Baron Cohen caricature a half decade past its due date.

Her comedy is almost a necessary venting function for societal noxious gas,  but I’ll be glad when we’re done belching and can move on.